Author's Note: The Art of Managing Everyday Conflict
Erik Fisher, Ph.D. : www.erikfisher.com

Man's mind, once being stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.

—Oliver Wendell Holmes

The motivation for writing this book arose out of working with many clients in practice and teaching them to examine conflicts to see how they affect them, their lives, and their relationships.  In viewing these conflicts, it is important to understand how they are often intermingled with our personal sense of power and our emotions.  The idea of power, and how we use it, is involved in most interactions in our lives, and the struggle for power often begins at the moment of birth.
This text seeks to help the reader to avoid conflicts when possible and deal with them productively when they do occur.  The key to diffusing many of the conflicts we encounter in our day-to-day lives involves understanding our emotions and our sense of power.  In the process of understanding how power affects our relationships with others, first it is important to understand how our personal manipulations of power affect us.  To help others understand the role of power in their life, the key is to help them to see the logical relationships between their perceptions of power, the emotions they were presenting to others, and the underlying emotions.

We, as humans, are complex animals since we learn and adopt very complex behavioral, language, and emotional patterns.  We experience many levels and layers of emotion that we (often unknowingly) use to cover up other emotions.  We also modify our perceptions to protect our image from others and ourselves.  The ties between our emotions and our sense of power are so intricate that it is easy to overlook the relationship between the two.  As such, we are often unaware of the connections between the power and emotion.  This book seeks to help the reader to identify those relationships in order to have the choice to change patterns that we often feel helpless to change.

Philosophy teachers often pose various dilemmas to their students for discussion and evaluation. One such dilemma provides an opportunity to consider the two models of power covered in this book—the hierarchical and equity models.  This philosophical dilemma is called the Commoner’s Dilemma.  The following story is one of many different versions. 

Consider a pasture where farmers can bring their cattle to graze.  The field is just large enough to sustain all the cattle if each farmer allows his cattle to eat only enough to survive.  In doing this, all the cattle will survive, but none with become fat enough to bring high prices at the market.  If, however, one or more of the farmers decide to allow their cattle to graze enough to become fat, then it is likely that another farmer’s cattle will starve to death. 
The dilemma arises when a farmer questions the price he will receive for his cattle at market if they maintain their size compared to the price they would bring if he allowed them to overgraze.  In fattening his cattle, the other cattle stand a chance of starving, but he may make more money.  If he limits how much his cattle graze, as the others do, all should survive, yet the farmer may have more competition when selling his cows. 

When the farmer considers the issue of how much to allow his cattle to graze, he may also realize that the other farmers have to make the same decisions.  This situation could lead to feelings of fear and mistrust between him and the other farmers.  If his feeling of mistrust becomes too great, he may decide to overgraze his cattle to protect himself.  Many other issues tie into this dilemma.  It may be interesting to think about this dilemma and reconsider it as you continue to read.
Throughout this book, I will challenge you to examine how you approach your past, present, and future.  There are questions at the end of most chapters and you may find it helpful to jot down some notes in response to these questions.  In doing so, you may question your emotions and realize how powerless people often feel and begin to understand the emotions and defenses we use to protect ourselves.  I do this in an attempt to open the reader’s eyes to the choices made in our world everyday.

In reading this book, you will learn to understand your emotions and the emotions of others, and it will be very important to use your newly found power wisely.  When someone learns a new skill, they may be tempted to try to use it in order to advance their own power at the expense of others.  If we try to use this skill for that purpose, it often does more harm than good, not only for that individual but also in their relationships.  As you will learn, the manipulation of emotions can cause a great deal of harm.  Although feeling hurt can contribute to our growth, if our pain emerges in an unproductive manner, it can foster more hurt and pain, and delay the healing process.

This book seeks to teach people to understand themselves, their feelings, their conflicts and their personal sense of power.  I do not intend to incite people to go out and try to change the world.  If, however, we can understand ourselves more clearly, we will likely see ways in which the world reflects our own flaws.  As we correct our own flaws, our reflection of the world around us will likely change to demonstrate those changes within ourselves.