With the recent tragic events that have occurred in our country, we have rediscovered the fragility of life and have hopefully found a new depth of caring within. When tragic events occur in our lives, they shake the foundation of our emotions, beliefs, and attitudes. It can be very hard to recover from these events, but our recovery is our choice. It is crucial that we realize and help our children realize the power we all have to make it through these experiences successfully.
When we have children, we often want to do what we can to protect them. We also often want to hold on closely to those around us for fear of letting go and losing them. When we hold on too tight, we can often add to their and our fears, and it may make it more difficult to let go later. Fear is a reinforcing emotion. The purpose of fear is to prompt us to do things to keep from getting harmed and keep us from doing things that could harm us. It is perhaps the most important survival emotion, but also can be the most debilitating. Fear is often most dangerous when we bury it inside. Acknowledge your fear, do what you can to take care of it, and keep living.
Remember that terrorists’ goal is to make people feel fear. Anger, hatred, revenge and rage are driven by fear. The purpose of those emotions is to mask fear and help us get back our power when we feel that it has been uncontrollably taken. Realize, therefore, that terrorists are also living in fear as well as ignorance. Their belief is that they are trying to take what has been taken from them. If we let ourselves be ruled by the same emotions, then they have achieved their objectives!
In this time of turmoil try not to develop or make global judgments about people who live in regions of the world, people who live in various countries, and those in different religions. It is the individual people who make the decisions to carry out the acts. When we judge others, it often contributes to our hatred and ignorance. Realize that these same terrorists have judged our country and all of its citizens to be vehicles of Satan. We have to be careful not to do the same. Pass this message on to your children. They are going to hear messages from all around them that may teach them to judge and hate, which can cloud their heart, mind, and soul.
When we can’t express our anger toward those who are responsible for our pain, we often take the anger out on those close to us who may seem to have connections. If we find that Muslim and Arabic descendents caused these acts, please do not make global judgments about all, especially those who may live in our country. Many people have come to our country to find freedom and to obtain the civil liberties that we all enjoy. Children can be very cruel to each other and may say things and cause harm to other children of Arabic descent. Help your kids to understand that we all have rights and should not take away the rights of others.
The following is a list of additional tips to keep in mind in the coming months.
· Do not make promises you can’t keep. Many times parents want to tell their kids that things will not happen. Assure them that things are being done to prevent them from happening and the likelihood of things happening is low, but when promises are made that are not kept, it can leave in indelible mark on a person for life. Trust is a very sacred emotion.
· Limit the time that you allow your children to be exposed to the media. Since they may have a limited ability to understand, they can take things out of context and create misconceptions of reality that could contribute to their fears.
· Explain in as simple terms as you can what has happened to you children. Because they do not have a well-developed sense of size or proximity, they often feel that world events are happening right around the corner. Help them to see the vastness of the world and try to help them understand distance and location. Do not think that because your children are small that they cannot understand world events. It is how we explain things to our kids often that determines what they understand.
· Listen to their fears. Let them talk about them. Ask them where they get their information or why they believe what they do. Do not tell them to be quiet or that they do not know what they are talking about. Talking often helps them get the feelings out and by listening, you will know how to help them correct their thinking.
· Speak calmly to your children when they have questions. Sometimes, kids will ask the same question or make the same comment over and over, resulting in parents becoming frustrated and/or angry with them. Reacting with anger will only “scare their feelings back inside”, where they can fester. The more you can encourage them to talk, the more that you will understand, and they will feel more powerful, loved and accepted.
· Take time to talk to someone. Talk about your fears, and pains with someone you trust. If you hold in your emotions, they will build up and affect your stress and behaviors. You can only help your family as much as you can help yourself.
· Talk to your kids about what you are feeling. Do not pour your heart out, but let them know that you feel sad, fearful, helpless, powerless angry... They are only feelings. It is what we do when we feel them that affects our sense of power. If you model to them that you can talk about your emotions, then they will feel more comfortable doing the same.
· Your kids may have nightmares and fantastical thoughts of catastrophes during the day. Listen to their nightmares and “day-mares” and let them talk about them. Help them distinguish between reality and fantasy.
· Your kids and you may be more short-tempered and irritable. Stress will strongly affect our tolerance levels and that of our kids. Work to be patient and take breaks when you may need them. If you do lose your temper, let your kids know that it is not them, but that you are stressed and will work hard not to take it out on them. Take responsibility for your actions and your kids will be more likely to do the same. Help them to talk through the factors that could be influencing their behaviors.
· Symptoms of anxiety and depression can surface long after the events have subsided. Be aware of this and get help when necessary. Uncontrollable crying, fears of separation, cycling emotions, changes in sleeping and eating patterns, headaches and other muscle aches, stomach problems, falling grades… can all be signs of underlying emotional problems. Do not minimize these symptoms in you, your spouse or your child. As a parent, you do not have to have all the answers. Ask for help. The quicker you address these problems, the sooner you can continue living.
· There are many times that we cannot control our emotions. We should not expect to. They are necessary for us to live, and it is important to understand and listen to what they are telling us. Teach your kids the same. Feel the emotions, do not get caught up in them, discuss them and keep living. Help your kids to do the same.
· Let your children know that they have the power to live their life differently than the people who commit harmful acts. Each of us has the power to choose how we live our lives. Collectively, we can make the world a different place to live. Believe in the power of yourself and take responsibility for your contribution to your family and the world.