This
information has been provided to you by Erik Fisher, Ph.D. : www.erikfisher.com
Tips
to Deal with Challenging Children
- Always remember that the
child’s first priority is often to protect themselves…at any
cost. If they feel threatened, they may fight back.
- The child’s second
priority is often to please their parent.
- If the child is about to
something impulsive or dangerous, try not to yell at them to get their
attention. However, sometimes you have no options. Yelling often invokes
fear and not learning.
- Set up guidelines in
advance with your child. Anticipate both positive and negative outcomes
and possible alternative choices. Teach them to problem solve and your job
will be easier.
- Be willing to recognize
that children are often a mirror for their parent’s issues.
- Some parents may get into
power struggles with their child because of their own issues, not the
child’s.
- Some parents may revert
back to their childhood when dealing with their children. Fear and
resentment are often key emotions that are acting in the parent.
- The parent’s
priority is often to protect their image as a successful and
"powerful" parent. Take a few deep breaths, find your power, and
believe in yourself. Children are very forgiving and understanding, but it
is important to take responsibility for your errors. You are a model to
your child. If they are doing what they observed you doing, you may want
to change your behavior.
- Be willing to entertain
what the child wants and repeat what you hear back to them before you tell
them why it may or may not work. Then offer a solution.
- Realize that if the child
has an attention or learning problem, since they are often genetic, a
parent may have them also. This can create problems with attention,
impulsivity and comprehension from both parent and child perspectives.
- Your child is not an adult
and will not understand as an adult does. They also do not listen like
adults. Be willing to relate to them at their level (eye level, emotional
level, and intellectual level).
- Just because you are a
parent does not mean that you can’t learn a new way to do something
from your child. Children often teach us much about ourselves if we are
willing to listen.
- Don’t feel like you
have to have all of the answers all the time. You are human, not perfect.
You most likely did not take a course to learn parenting before you became
a parent. It is okay to not know about something and get back to your
child when you find what you need to know, but be sure to follow up.
- If you feel that an
interaction with your child may be stressful or confrontational:
- Go for a walk
beforehand to get your thoughts together.
- Imagine yourself in
a peaceful, relaxing scene.
- Talk about the
sources of your stress with a friend and seek guidance.
- Be aware as to
whether or not your issues are playing into the stress.
- Explore the sources
of your stress:
- Is your stress
based in the present or past?
- What are all the
emotions you are feeling?
- How are you
expressing the emotions associated with your stress?
- How
powerful/powerless do you feel related to the source of stress?
- Are you taking
your stress out on others or your child?
- How can you
increase your sense of power related to the stress?
- Look for options
to reduce your stress. Often when one recognizes that they have choices,
they are able to choose to feel less stress.
- Ask yourself if the child
is being served in their best interest.