The "Write" Consequence for Your Child
Erik Fisher, Ph.D. : www.erikfisher.com
Ahh, the joys of child-raising. Children have the ability to bring the most wonderful sense of joy into our lives as well as the most overwhelming feelings of exasperation. And what's more is that these experiences can occur within moments of each other. How many times have parents, teachers and those who are in the position to guide and direct children felt infuriated at the actions of the child? When a child makes a poor choice, it is in the best interest of the child to have prompt consequences to learn from their actions, but when the guiding adult feels infuriated with the child's choice, it is often the worst time to deliver consequences because the punishment is often guided by feelings of anger rather than an intent to teach the child about their choices.
What often happens when an adult responds to a child's actions when the adult is still feeling angry is that the adult may yell and/or result to physical punishment. When the child is a toddler, responses from the adult may be a swat on the bottom, but as the child grows older and larger may evolve into hits and slaps, and even go beyond. There are few parents who intentionally hurt their children, and many parents who are charged with abuse feel very strongly that their own actions were made with the intent to teach their child a lesson out of love and support.
I believe that one of the biggest difficulties that parents have is knowing when and who to ask for help with child raising. There is no job that anyone will have in their life that is more important than raising a child, but it is a fact that someone can have a child with little or no training and/or education in child raising and development. Many parents feel ill-equipped to be parents, but also feel embarrassed and ashamed to ask for help. Because of their feelings of embarrassment and fear of being perceived as inept, parents often will resort to their past learning rather than ask for help. From the experience I have had as a psychologist as well as working with many parents and their children, I have observed that parents often will raise their children the same way or opposite from how their parents raised them if they have not received any outside instruction. What this means is that if a parent was raised by a parent that spanked and hit, then they will tend to be either physically punishing or may avoid punishing their children at all. Neither option (physical punishment or no consequences) is in the best interest of teaching the child productive behaviors. Children often want to model the behaviors of their parents, and imitation of parents occurs more often than not.
What does a child learn when physical punishment is employed to teach them "right from wrong?" The child often learns that someone bigger than them hits (swats, spanks, slaps) them when they do something they don't want them to do. The implications of this learning are that when someone smaller than them does something they do not want them to do, they will often hit them. What often happens next (after the bigger child hits the smaller child) is that the adult will then step in and spank the child, further reinforcing the child's learning, but also confusing the child. When this scenario happens repeatedly, the child may experience a growing sense of frustration which can build into anger and defiance.
If there are no consequences when a child makes unproductive choices, the child is not guided and often will not learn behaviors, choices, and beliefs that are in their best interest or the interest of others. Many children who are not guided can have many difficulties relating to other children and adults. Specific behaviors can vary widely depending on the child and the parent.
The question is, "What other strategies do I have to teach children what is in their best interest and know that they are learning that there is a cost for their actions?" The way I see it, we all want the same thing for children, to learn that there are choices they may make that can help them and others and some choices that can hurt them and others. The following strategy presented gives the child the option to determine the length of the consequences and helps the adult to see if the child understands why they did what they did. Too many times when the adult punishes the child, the child will feel more anger toward the adult, rather than learn from their own behaviors. The intent to teach the child the lesson is lost.
The following task is meant to be a substitute for punishments such as grounding, lectures, or physical punishments. The purpose is to help the individual to think about their actions, process them on paper, and then to talk about the situation and their feelings. The essay writing tasks is not limited to children, but adults should also be willing to write essays if their behavior warrants it. The individual is to be on restrictions (no tv, radio, activities…) until the essay is complete and discussed. That means that it is important for the person discussing the essay with them to make the time to discuss it when the essay is complete. After the essay is processed, the situation should be resolved and the individual has their privileges returned. This technique can be used for kids and adults with at least a 3rd grade writing level, but can be adapted to younger kids if the essay part is discussed verbally. Or the essay can be written in short sentences or phrases.
The following scenario is an example of behaviors that would earn an essay. Johnny took one of his friend's video games, and his mother finds it hidden under his bed after he denied seeing the game. Johnny’s mother then tries to talk with Johnny about what he did and Johnny calls her names and tells her that she is a liar. Johnny’s mother then feels upset and calls Johnny a few choice names. Who should write the essay?
Many adults may disagree, but their willingness to write essays is a very important point, since adults are important models for children's behaviors. If you don’t want Johnny calling people names, then you as an important model to him have to be willing to take responsibility for calling him names.
The task is for the child (or adult) to write a 1½ -2 page essay written (one page typed in a 12 pt font) about their behaviors. Restrictions stay in effect until the essay is finished and processed with the parent or other person involved in the conflict.
The essay is based on the following questions:
The essay should also include a discussion of what they were feeling before, during and after their behaviors. Processing the emotions is the most important part of the essay. It is integral to consider the underlying emotions. Insecurity, fear, and/or jealousy are often motivating emotions. Anger is often a reaction, and guilt, sadness, disrespect, shame, failure, misunderstood are often feelings that occur after their behavior. There are emotions at each stage that should be considered, as well as events that may have happened earlier that day, that week or even that month. When a child reacts with a physical outburst, it is often "the straw that broke the camel's back." When discussing different behaviors they could have chosen, there are likely to be many different choices they could have made that would have been different or better. In the essay, they would create a list of options and choose the behavior that they think was in the best interest of all involved. The following is an actual essay written with the names and identities changed to protect the child's confidentiality.
My Essay for Today
Punching John Smith was not a very good idea because I could have hurt him very badly. I also could have made his parents very upset at me. It also was not a good idea because I got Suspension, In-School Suspension and I got grounded.
Punching John hurt several people: John, his parents, my teachers, the principal, my parents, and me.
There are plenty of better ways to do it. I could have just told the teacher, or the principal, filled out a harassment form, or just sat there. The way I chose to do it was not a good way to handle it. I’ll try to do better next time. I just overreacted way too much to a little name calling.
Before I hit him these are some of the emotions I felt: upset, angry, betrayed, confused, agitated, spit on, back-stabbed, and very hurt. When I hit him, I felt hated, dirty, rotten, stupid, hurt, confused, and betrayed. After I hit him I felt stupid, rotten, upset, angry at myself, and dirty.
All in all what I did was a stupid choice on my part. Even though what he did was wrong I guess two wrongs don’t make a right. I guess I will have to ask forgiveness again. In this essay I have learned that fighting is not the solution it only makes more problems.
What happened was I sat down for lunch then John came in and sat down right next to me and started insulting me which made me upset. Then he started insulting my family which made me very angry. So I got up and slugged him three times in the face one for my mom one for my dad and one for me. He tried to punch me but he missed. Then I heard the teacher yell my name so I quit and walked over to her and she made me sit at another table. After that I got walked to I.S.S. (in-school suspension) where the principal talked with me and told me what I did was not a good idea. I had to sit in I.S.S. for the rest of the day. The next day I was suspended.
There also could have been legal consequences. John’s parents could have sued my parents. I also could have had charges pressed against me. If I had hit John just right it could have killed him and I would be in jail forever and I would regret it for the rest of my life. I should have just told the teacher or filled out a harassment form. What I did was really stupid. I hope I will do better next time. Hopefully there won’t be a next time.
If the child has a difficult time writing, they can still do the exercise by drawing pictures, making a topic outline, answering the questions in words or short phrases, or they could sit down and talk about it when they feel ready. The key is to help the child to understand the emotional motivations for their behaviors and to help them to take responsibility for them. By having the consequences removed after the essay is complete, it gives the child the power to determine how long the consequences last, and thus increases their sense of personal power.
This essay technique is likely a different way to look at determining a child's consequences, and as a parent or child guide, you may have many questions as you start using this as a consequence. When trying anything new there are going to be many questions. Many of these questions may be answered once starting the program. The most important thing to remember when working with children is to respond to them consistently. While many child management problems are caused by a variety of different issues, inconsistent behaviors of the adults caring for them often can make them more difficult to handle in the long run. þ
Dr. Erik Fisher is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with offices in Lawrenceville and Dunwoody. He works with children, adults, families and couples with variety of psychological and personal growth issues. If you wish to contact Dr. Fisher, he can be reached by telephone at 770-513-0577.