One of the most respected coaches in football leaves his post in a shroud of shame and a most honored University is left to stare itself deep into its soul and question, “Where is integrity when it counts the most?” Over the past few years we have been facing issues of integrity at every turn, from our governments, to our financial institutions to our sports and even the most respected are being exposed.

In the wake of the Penn State scandal, many are in shock, asking themselves, how can an institution that is dedicated to the education and growth, mentoring tomorrows leaders, educators and parents, display such callous ignorance in disregard for human dignity and respect? Perhaps this is more of an issue based in flaws in our society?

So many times we look at others who commit crimes and engage in unethical and unprofessional behavior, and we exclude ourselves as if it were impossible for us to behave in such a manner. Many sit in judgment of others, and we hear them say, “If I were in that position…”, while others respond with rage and hatred that seeks vengeance and not truth. We would like to think that we would all make the best decision for all when life calls upon us, but for many it doesn’t happen that way. We have to understand that even the best intended people make very poor decisions at times. While their 95% of kind, giving, supportive behaviors should not excuse their poor decisions, it is incorrect to define them by their 5% or their 95%.

Situations happen everyday in life that we walk by. We don’t respond out of a feeling of fear, helplessness, not wanting to get involved, not being prepared, not caring, not wanting to lose friends or be seen as unpopular… Many may want to say that this is an issue about a university protecting itself, but whether it is a university, a corporation, a government, or a family where many heinous acts are brushed under the carpet, these groups are comprised of individuals, where each knowingly closed their eyes to a serious problem where people were severely harmed.

At this time, there are millions casting judgment on a coach, a few administrators, a university… and still a child’s innocence was taken away. Children and adults are abused everyday, and people turn a blind eye. How long are we going to keep doing this, and how long is it going to take to see that WE have a problem?

We have to recognize that this is an issue of being human. We are prone to mistakes, and some we wish were never made and many can never be undone, having lifelong consequences. We can say, “That’s life,” and move on to the next headline, or we can aspire to a higher standard.  A standard where we look out as much for our neighbor as ourselves, where we think about how an action is affecting another person or group rather than our bottom line, our profits, our team, our politics… We each have choices to make everyday. Are you going to open your eyes or keep them closed?

I would propose this. Rather than focusing your energy on the individuals named in this action, take some time to look at yourself and the world around you. Focus your energy, thoughts, and intentions on what you would do not just in a similar situation, but in any situation that required your assistance.

Do you stop when someone is broken down on the highway? Do you stop someone when you see them get in a car when you know they have been drinking? Do you comment to or seek assistance for an adult who may be verbally berating or physically abusing a child or spouse? Would you stop a teacher or coach from humiliating an athlete or student? Should we really define a threshold for a behavior that results in the pain, humiliation, and degradation of another individual?

We all have a choice here. We can use this event as a waypoint to set the intentions and actions of our own behaviors, or we can take the time to judge others, only to perpetuate the problem, which is about as wise as a Lion eating its own tail.

My final questions to you – How do you define a winner and how do you define hero?

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

www.drepresents.com

Our last family picture on Ivy & Hunter's last day with us.

Well the time came this past weekend. Our two dogs, my wife’s and my first “children”, graduated to the dog park in the sky. Ivy (16 year old Blue Merle Australian Shepherd) and Hunter (14 year old Black Chow Shepherd mix) lived long, relatively healthy lives, and in the end we felt that we had to assist them along their journey to allow them to leave with dignity and not wanting them to unduly suffer. Both Ivy and Hunter were adopted after an early life of abuse. Ivy sprung back very well, after she adjusted to her new family. From the day we found her in the shelter on my 30^th birthday, and she jumped up on me and then my wife and wrapped her front legs around each of us, she was full of life and spunk. Hunter always had a tougher time escaping his early childhood trauma, and he was full of craftiness, often trying to see what he could get away with. In many ways, I looked at them both as if they were traumatized kids, who needed our patience, structure and love, and overall, they did very well with this approach. Ivy and Hunter both gave us so much in their unique ways, and even though Hunter could bring me to the brink of rage with his defiance and manipulative nature, we loved him just the same, and I learned to have more patience. I used to take them to the office, and Ivy had the incredible sense to know when a client was in emotional pain, and even in a deep sleep she would awaken and jump up next to them and look right through them, telling their soul it was going to be okay. They taught my wife and I that we could be parents to a human child, and helped us to become the parents that we are today. They cared for our daughter as if she was their own, and their patience with Grace, as she was growing, was admirable for any older sibling. Grace reached into Hunter’s heart in a way that no child ever had, and while he felt afraid of so many other children, he warmed up to Grace like holding a hot cocoa on a wintery night. She would dress him up, and he would take it, as well as many pictures we will smile at forever. Ivy on the other hand was Grace’s older sister, who let her know the limits and kept her in line. She tolerated Grace’s attempts to love her in her sometimes rough and tumble way, but had her line of dignity that Grace could not cross. We had let Grace know over the past six months that the dogs were getting older and knew that the day was coming when we would have to likely make this decision. After losing both grandfathers this year, we did not know how Grace would handle it. When we told her of our decision the night before we made arrangements, she cried like we had not heard her cry before, and just like a 6 year-old can do, she was asking for another dog in the same sentence she was saying that they were her best friends ever. It was okay and good for her to grieve. Death is one of the lessons a child may be fortunate enough to understand in an environment of trust and love, and we wanted her to know that her feelings were her own through this, and she has handled this Gracefully. What I told Grace when she asked about getting another dog, was that when we lose a person or a pet, we need to give our heart time to heal so that we don’t try to fill that empty space with something or someone else. This is a powerful life lesson. I told her to let her feelings be known and honor the memory of her dogs, and one day it would be time to get another dog. We would all know when. We all feel that we are better people because of Ivy and Hunter, and even their death happened for us, not to us. Their last day was filled with quality time, play with their doggie friends, a Frosty Paws ice cream party and cooked meat for dinner. When it came time, our Veterinarian came to our house. I did not want the dogs’ last moments to be feeling fear and unfamiliarity. Grace chose to be a part of the process, and we had discussed the process numerous times, and she helped where she could, to gain some power over her feelings of helplessness, handling the situation Gracefully and respectfully. A child’s view of death is often channeled through the parent, and we want to Grace to not fear it, but instead see it as a part of life. Death does not have to be morbid or scary. It is a transition – another life lesson. My wife held Ivy when she went to sleep, and I held Hunter. It wasn’t until the next day until it really hit me what it may have meant to Hunter for me to be holding him as he looked in my eyes when he went to sleep, “Here is my caretaker who raised me, loved me, fed me and gave me limits when I needed them, and in my last moments of life, he is holding me and loving me as much as I loved him – a much different reality than I came into this world with.” Well maybe he didn’t think that. “Maybe he was just thinking, this was a really fun day. I wonder what we are going to do tomorrow.” But I think that is what his eyes were saying. Hunter, I say this to you, “I hope we helped you to heal your soul in this life from what happened when you were young and helpless.” To Ivy, “Thank you for reaching into the hearts of so many and finding their smile.” You will both always be in our hearts… indelibly. Respectfully, Dr. E…

For millions of Americans, being out of work one more day is an all to familiar situation. The jobs that people once had have been eliminated, bills are due, part-time jobs aren’t paying well, families need to eat, and unemployment is running out. For those who were the bread-winners, guilt, failure, hopelessness and stress can feel overwhelming. So how do you take care of yourself if you find yourself in this predicament?

Don’t Let Your Career Define You

Too many times we allow our job or lack thereof define our worth and value. When we are out of work, we question who we are because we have placed our value in a dollar sign. When you feel this way, look around and see the other areas in your life where you add value – your kids, your spouse, your family… See how you are important to people around you in more than just your job and what they love about you. If you don’t see those things, then see if there are ways that you can add meaning to the lives of others. Furthermore, if you are in a relationship where you feel that people are putting a price on your worth, look at the relationship, get some help with it if you can, and if it isn’t working, it may be time to re-evaluate.

It is easy to get into a place of feeling sorry for ourselves when we feel down and out. Sometimes our thought patterns can keep us stuck in this. If you are stuck in these thought patterns, check your thoughts and redirect them to more positive thoughts.

Just Keep Swimming…

Do something positive everyday to keep your mind and brain working. People out of work sometimes have a hard time getting out of bed, and that look at the Help-wanted section can be a dreadful reminder of your situation. Read, learn, do something to help look for work or advance your situation. Is it time to go back to school to get educated in something new? What hobbies do you have that you can engage in? If money is an issue, can you find a free hobby? Volunteer your time if you can. Giving to others can feel empowering and you never know whom you will meet or what you will learn along the way. Worry and stress can become quicksand for many, so find a way to keep active.

Exercise Everyday

Exercise releases endorphins. These can help you feel better. This does not just mean to piddle around the weight room and do a few curls. This means do some work. You need to get your heart pumping. Running, weightlifting, Aerobics, Pilates… whatever you may enjoy that can get you and/or keep you in shape – this is critical to your physical and emotional health. Being in shape can also help in the interview process, as it can contribute to your sense of confidence, and appearance often matters in job interviews.

Sometimes We All Need a Hand

Sometimes people feel too “proud” to ask for help. Whether it is needing emotional support, part-time help, therapy… we live in a world of other people. Many people feel happy to help. Never think that you have to do everything on your own.

I put the quotes around “proud”, because that is what people call it. I call it arrogance. Pride is when we feel good about who we are. No matter what is going on around us, we can still feel proud of our efforts and who we are. Arrogance is a shield of false pride. It hides shame, guilt, inadequacy… When people can’t ask for help when they need it, it is often because they are hiding these emotions. Arrogance can bring down the people around you as well. You and your family can suffer.

Remember that you are not alone. So many people are going through the same situation. I believe that there is always something to learn in every situation and that life happens for us not to us. If there is something more you can do, then take a hard look at yourself and do it. If you are doing your best, then feel proud of your efforts and keep going. Appreciate those around you and let that love in. It’s the most important ingredient.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com

A dangerous game of political chicken is being played in our country with the debt ceiling, and it stands the chance of bringing the further downfall of the American Empire. I wouldn’t say that this “crisis” of the debt ceiling would be the major cause of this downfall, it is a symptom of a larger problem. I have often said that arrogance has led to the downfall of almost every empire throughout time, and what I see now when I turn on the news is arrogance and politicians who seem to be out of touch with many Americans. It is not my goal to make a political comment in this blog, as I don’t align myself with any political party, but to bring attention to the psychological games that are being played in our political system.

For As Long As the Sun Has Risen

Political conflicts have been happening for longer than humans could say “election”; however, in the past decade, it seems that our political parties decided that they were going to spend more time undermining each other than they were going to spend getting the job done that we pay them to do.  They have learned the art of the media machine and use that voice too often to spread misinformation and disinformation to evoke emotion and reactions in the voter base. When these actions lead to the death of others, as it did in Gabrielle Giffords, no responsibility is taken and fingers are pointed.

Many politicians “bank” on your blind allegiance to the “party line”, and they want you to fight their battles for them, especially on election days. Fear, mistrust, and manipulation are often the emotions that are played upon under this dubious shell game. And this has become very dangerous indeed, and we, as a country, stand the chance to negatively impact our lives and the lives of our children for years to come, because of their arrogance and selective ignorance. Trust has been compromised at the hand of greed and power grabbing. We all suffer when we can’t trust those who we elect, and according to most politicians, it is most other politicians who can’t be trusted.

One Term President??? How About Term-Limited Congressmen

This past week, John Boehner made a comment that “There was an elephant in the room” that no one was speaking about, and that was that Obama was going to have to focus on his re-election next year. True as the fact is, the most disturbing aspect of this comment was the look of arrogance that he displayed in making this comment. Furthermore, it seems through this and other events, that he, Mitch McConnell and their republican cronies are invested in destroying his re-election more than they want to work for the best interests of our country.  Don’t get me wrong, there are events of political manipulation that can be cited on each side of the aisle, this is merely recent and salient. It is clear that this game is about power, and it is at the expense of the American people.

What my biggest concern is that our political system has deteriorated to our focus on often electing the politician with the least amount of mud on them, rather than the best man for the job. It has been said that the best people for the job are too smart to put their hat in the ring, and many well-meaning individuals lose their moral compass on the road to Washington.

The Buck Stops Here

All of this has happened on our watch, and we are participating, blindly or actively. How do we fix this problem? I don’t know. The Tea Party was born out of good intentions, but even that has begun to be swallowed up by “the Game” that is played on Capitol Hill. After all, we know what the road to hell is paved with.

It is my hope that we resolve this issue of the debt ceiling before it is too late. What is already too late is that we have lost faith and trust in our political system, and it is lacking in honor, respect and integrity. If we are going to rise out of this, we have to set a higher bar in Washington than destroying our rivals and take personal responsibility for how those who represent us behave. As for integrity??? Structures that have no integrity crumble under pressure. What will also come tumbling down should our political system crumble, and what will be the ultimate cost?

I will leave you with this, Washington is not a school yard playground to settle scores and see whose got the biggest “feet”. The intentions of our forefathers were to create a center for our nation’s government with the ideal that intelligent, honorable, respectful men would meaningfully solve problems facing our Republic to benefit the greater good. We say we are the greatest country in the world… It is time to act like it.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com

See Dick turn on the TV. See Jane sit down next to Dick. See Dick and Jane watch commercials. See Dick and Jane want everything they see. See Corporate America with $$ in their eyes, as they market adult items to the way too young.

Have you noticed the moving target? Over the past decades, Corporate America has put their crosshairs on younger and younger kids. Advertising dollars are looking to gain lifetime consumers and brand loyalty, soon, out of the crib, by marketing everything from make-up to clothing to electronics and the latest move by Skechers to focus their Shape-Ups shoes for girls. Perhaps companies feel that if Joe Camel got in on the game, “shouldn’t we get our piece? It should be okay for us, shouldn’t it? After all we are not selling cigarettes?”

Advertising Gone Wild

I think we have to be careful to jump to too many conclusions that many ad campaigns gone awry are exploitative from the start. There are many good intentioned people who work for Corporate America who want to make this world a better place for our kids. They often believe that what they are selling would be great for kids, and while some have valid points and misguided intentions, others have gotten lost on the way to their year-end bonuses. “Lets help our girls look fitter, slimmer, feel good about the way they look… because looking good in our culture is the most important thing. Right? It is for the Kardashians, isn’t it?” Their intentions do not always add up to a good outcome, and sometimes it is downright exploitative, intended or not.

This blog is not just about Skechers. It is about a consumer-based culture that has been changing in a dangerous direction. This trend toward marketing more adult products to kids is in full swing and shows no signs of slowing down. “In a down market, expand your customer base. Isn’t that good economics? Kids will be our consumers one day so why not start them out now?”

Stimulus Overload

As I have discussed before, our kids and we are inundated with thousands of images everyday selling everything but our collective soul, and even that may be up for sale soon. Our boundaries are getting blurrier and blurrier as to what is healthy for our kids, and ourselves, and we can barely see our moral compass before our eyes. This is not about a conservative movement to control what our kids see and do, and it is not a liberal agenda to destroy a corporate culture. It is a concerted effort to point out that we are taking our kids’ childhood away with our own blind ambition. In this situation with Skechers, I can see that they may not have intended to create such a negative buzz, but just like the Elmo/Katy Perry debacle, those in the position to make decisions were numb to the deeper issues and the result reflected their own dysfunction and/ours.

The Balancing Act

Our kids require limits and balance and so do we. They deserve a childhood that brings them the joy of time spent together – one that offers freedom from addictions to toys, phones, televisions and computers. They deserve our time, patience and love, not our credit cards and wallets.

We are their eyes when they are learning to see. We are their ears when they seeking sound, and we are their voice, when they cannot speak. It is up to us to realize that we may have lost our way, and may be guiding them down that path that got us into debt further than any generation before us. That debt is not just financial, it’s emotional, it’s relational, it’s recreational, it’s sleep-deprived, it’s over-scheduled, and it’s farther and farther away from peace than it is war.

The Rear View Mirror

We often complain that being left behind is becoming a reality. Why is that? What changed in the last fifty years? The consumer culture is part of the problem, not the solution. We are looking more at what we can buy, than what we can learn. Furthermore, when companies are confronted about their ads, they claim ignorance. When parents are confronted with their kids’ behaviors and preferences they blame the culture.

We have become a society that blames others instead of taking responsibility for our actions. The less responsibility we take for our actions, the less we can learn. Integrity has to begin at the foundation and continue all the way up to the top floor. Where is ours today? Where is yours?

Parenting 101

People want an answer for how to stop corporate greed and marketing to kids. Don’t buy their products and have the self-discipline to turn the channel or the page. Here are a few more tips to good parenting. Take the time to talk with your kids about what they are exposed to – ask questions, don’t lecture. Give them limits on what they watch and compute and listen to, and how much they watch, compute and listen. Pay attention to what you spend your money on and theirs; don’t look to pacify them. Give your kids hugs and kisses, not Hershey’s Kisses and a happy meal. Take them outside and play with them, don’t just send them outside. Put your phone down, get off of your couch, turn off your I-pod, and be an example. Play games with your kids. Read to them. Don’t expect the school to teach them. Don’t complain about why our world is the way it is and why our kids are behaving as they are; do something about it. Be part of the action that will help your children and you get healthy, emotionally, relationally , recreationally, academically, socially, spiritually… Even Joe Camel wearing his Skechers won’t be able to touch that.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com

For as long as animals and humans have ruled over others in their prides, packs, tribes and families, revolution has been a part of the process of change. The way that so many of us have been taught to use and abuse power, as well as the tendency for many animals to define power structures and hierarchies, results in those who have it and those who don’t. It is the belief and the perception that the haves get what they want (often at the expense of the have-nots) that drives the continued struggle for power. As long as the haves can maintain “control’ over their counterparts, everything seems fine. Right?

Most people don’t realize that the need for control is based in fear. No matter how much power people feel that they have over others, there is always a fear that others may want what they have, and often we end up giving power to objects rather than to ourselves. What often hides this fear of losing control are arrogance and hatred, not confidence and pride. Additionally, the more they fear a loss of power, often the more extreme the methods to hold on to power through any number of techniques: terror, brainwashing, manipulation, threat, and creating conflicts between others who would be a threat if they allied their power together. An example of the division of power to misdirect conflict was giving different levels of power to the various South African tribes from the Zulus to the Hottentots. When they were brought closer together under a more unified front with Nelson Mandela (after he fought his own internal revolution), the Apartheid system of government could no longer stand, and a more democratic ideal that he worked toward was realized.

What Neslon Mandela and many others throughout history created in the mind of others was a revolution of thought and inspiration. When that “revolution of thought” became a threat to those who held positions of power, those rulers often sought to control the will and minds of others. Consider this: when people rule over others, they often want “those who serve them” to be as intelligent and motivated as they can be to promote the wants and needs of the ruler, but not so intelligent and motivated that they can undermine or overthrow them.

Power Hungry

As it has been said, power is an alluring aphrodisiac, and it is often the aphrodisiacal power over people that drives us to abuse it at the expense of others. It is when the loss of freedom, power and control of those feeling abused overwhelms the power of their own fear that revolutions are born. In other words, there is a shift in the balance of power of emotions within us from fear to anger/rage/inspiration. For those who remember the movie Network, “I am sick and tired of it, and I’m not going to take it anymore.”

A revolution occurs when those who feel exploited/abused and don’t have “status power” collectively pull together to take their power back and seek to overthrow those with the power “over them”. If we consider the roles that we play in our culture, revolutions occur when “Victims” collectively challenge their “perceived Persecutors” because there is no one to “rescue” them. What often happens is that their anger, rage and hatred that had been repressed for so long behind their fear and terror, results in those “victims” becoming “Justified Persecutors”. This means that the subsequent persecution of those who once ruled over them is sanctioned by the belief that they were exploited and/or abused, so they don’t have to feel guilt about their actions. They feel justified in their actions to cause pain to those who once ruled them. Consider many of the massacres that have occurred at the beginning of revolutions and the damage that unbridled rage and hatred have caused.

Just Who Is In Charge Here?

There are often circumstances when a few inspire the many to revolt, whether they are the Mandelas, Gandhis, Jeffersons and Washingtons, or the Stalins and Husseins of the world, that those who follow those revolutions are often beholden to the intelligence, ideals, motivations and moral values of the leaders of the revolution. Those involved in revolution want change, but if they are not leading the change, they may not see the outcome that those leaders of change intend. Furthermore, there are those who latch onto the process of change for good to hijack the change process for their own ends. The outcome was that the many who participated in this process of change to free themselves ended up being exploited once again. It is sometimes these fears that prevent change from happening. I think we all have heard the phrase, “The devil you know is often better than the devil you don’t.”

Emotion Commotion

What so many often don’t realize is that it is emotion that drives revolution and change, and it is ironically often the fear of pain that keeps things from changing. Fear, terror, pain, anger, rage, hatred, inspiration, passion, love, courage… these are some of the emotions that drive the process of change and the revolutions that evoke them. While fear and terror help us to realize that change is necessary; and anger, rage and hatred may motivate us to act, passion, love and courage need to be part of the fuel to see the change process through to an outcome that all can benefit from. Revolution just for the sake of change may not lead to better change. This is where wisdom, experience and truth are a premium.

People who allow themselves to be ruled over are often in a state of ignorance, which is why so many may be easily misled. Those who inspire revolution seek to play on the emotions of those that they wish to join them. Our emotions can serve us to promote the positive change we desire only as well as we are educated to see the change we desire and the details it takes to create and maintain the change. The process of “ousting the dictator” is just the beginning. Implementing and realizing the change is the journey.

Opportunity Knocks

As we see these revolutions taking place around the world, be mindful of these issues. Furthermore, don’t stop with the idea that revolution can only occur in a culture between people. For real change to occur, revolution has to occur within ourselves for our world to truly change. You can spray paint a hunk of iron with gold paint, and it will look golden, but when you change one electron in an atom, it changes the elemental structure of that atom.

Cultures often engender common belief systems and durable patterns that are resistant to change. Although we may see opportunity for positive change in our lives and cultures, as a psychologist, I see how difficult change can be. It takes hard work, diligence, focus, vision and trust in those guiding the change process. When people have felt oppressed and exploited for generations, trust is a commodity that is difficult to come by. That lack of trust can halt change like a truck hitting a brick wall, and it is fear that drives mistrust. In any change process we have to be mindful of our emotions and the emotions of others around us. We all influence each other, whether we want to realize it or not, and to promote change we have to support each other and respect each other. Growth may feel frightening, but need not be painful.  Again, the journey is as important as the destination.

It is my goal that we grow closer to truth. To do this, it is imperative that we face our fear and embrace our truth. Let love, wisdom and passion be the fuel that feeds to process of change, within ourselves, our community, our nation and our world.

Vive la Revolution

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com

I am dedicating this blog to a great man, Gorman Fisher, aka Big Daddy.

I grew up with a dad who worked a lot. His work was important to him, but it wasn’t until later that I truly realized why. As I kid, I wanted him to play with me, be at my baseball games, soccer games, scouting events, and while he made some of them, his attention to his work seemed to take precedence. I remember that when we did play pool together, he would beat me again and again, and was amazed that I would come back for more. But what he taught me was that he didn’t play down to me, he challenged me to play better, and when I did beat him, I knew I got his best.

When I was 8, my brother died, and while this was painful to experience as a child, I now, as a father, can more dearly understand how difficult this must have been for him. My Father tried to revive him when he found him on the floor, and his best efforts could not bring him back to life. It was in this time, as I reflect back, that my dad was selfless in times that required strength. My parents’ priority was to make sure that we, as a family stuck together, and while they both mourned the loss of their child in somewhat silence, in a time when expression of emotion was not the norm, they continued to support their children the best they knew how. As a family, we stayed together, and I remember that my Dad worked hard to make that following Christmas memorable. I think what my parents learned from the loss of their son was that life was precious and time together was important.

I remember my Dad and I usually making an annual trek to a Browns or Indians game when I was growing up, especially the Monday Night game against the Cowboys. Man was it cold. I grew up wanting more from my Dad, without understanding him and how he showed love. I didn’t appreciate his hard work and his humility. I now do. It was important for him to find me jobs at his office. That was how he connected with me. I was often known as the boss’ son, and while there were a few times I let him down, he never made it more about him, but I knew his expectations.

In my high school and college years, I had a few run-ins with my Dad, but instead of pushing me away, yelling or becoming aggressive, we had the brief, but serious talk, and he never held things over my head. He understood my humanness.

The summer before I was getting ready to graduate from college, he would call me from work and ask me to meet him for lunch. I would, and we would talk. He would listen, and he said he was sorry. He said that he knew he worked too much, and buried himself in his work after my brother died. He didn’t want his grief to be our grief. He believed his job was to be strong.

When my Dad was running a company outside of Detroit (while my parents still lived in Cleveland), I just graduated from college on my way to Grad school. He asked me to work for him to design and build the landscaping around their major rebuild of the company grounds. We spent the summer driving to and from work together (Dad, the left lane is for people who like to drive faster than the speed limit). Even when he asked me to do this, I didn’t realize how much he believed in me. We had some of the best talks driving to and from work and to and from Detroit to Cleveland for the weekends. What he also told me about why he worked so much then was that he felt it was his job to make sure that we had the ability to do the things as kids so that we could have a better life, and he was felt fortunate that he loved what he did.

And when my wife and I moved into our first house, with the help of my parents, he came to help landscape our yard with me. That is when my Dad realized I was an adult when I said, “Dad there are 50,000 ways to plant a rose, and it will still grow. Trust that you taught me well.” While I added an expletive to my comment, he stopped, listened, filtered and trusted my judgment.

And when my first business failed, and I was under a mountain of debt and stress, he came to help me dig myself out (pun intended). When I broke down during a hard day and went back to his temporary office and apologized for letting him down, all he said was, “Are you kidding me? I wish I had the courage to take the risk to do what you did.”

What my Dad learned from working too much was how to be a better grandfather and how to be a better father to us in our adult years. I am inspired by his ability to take responsibility for his mistakes and perhaps the highest compliment he paid me was telling me that I taught him how to hug and that I taught him more about emotion than anyone ever had.

He is loved by ALL of his grandkids, whether he is Big Daddy, Be-Paw, or Grandpa Buddy. He is known for his sense of humor, and the time and patience he takes with them to teach them about the simplest things in life. I loved watching him with my daughter, as he listened intently. Whether it is blowing bubbles, swimming in the pool, making funny faces, or finding fun in just about anything, he spent the time with his grand kids that they will remember for a lifetime. I feel proud that my daughter will remember her Big Daddy, and she got to read him Nursery Rhymes tonight on the phone.

You see, my Dad’s health has taken a turn for the worse in the past few days, and I am heading to Tucson tomorrow to hopefully get there in time. I pray for the weather and flight schedules to cooperate. For 13 years he has honorably and resiliently lived with cancer, not complaining much through the surgeries or the chemo – just showing a desire to live, not selfishly out of fear of death, but to share and create more memories for all of us, and to be a best friend to his wife. Through example, both of my parents taught us that we could find and marry our best friends. And I thank you both for loving my wife, as you love your own daughters. He has defied death, to champion life, and his strength makes me want to be a better man and to give to my generation and the next.

What I want you to know Dad is that you taught more than you knew, and even more, you had the courage to allow me to be your teacher. I thought for so long that I had created my equity-based approach to the world from understanding a control-based society, but now realize that my parents fostered an environment that allowed me to explore and respected my value. For giving me the permission of self-discovery, I thank you both.

I know that I am very fortunate to have a Father with integrity, who valued hard work, honesty, and who loved us the best way he knew how. I have come to appreciate the greatness of my Dad not just by seeing who he is and who he has become, but by working with so many people in my work who did not have a Father like mine. He is human and he knows it, and he accepted our humanness. I am sorry that it took me this long to truly understand him and how proud he felt of all of us, but I know it now.

Dad, I want to tell you that I love you more than you may ever know, and I am glad I got to tell you, in your living years. I feel proud to call you Big Daddy, and I speak for all of us when I say that you leave this world in a better place than it was when you got here, and we will carry the best of what you taught us into our futures. I hope that one day the world knows how great my Dad is, but I know it is enough for him that his family knows.

Respectfully,

Your son, Erik Anthony Fisher, aka Dr. E…

Nursery Rhymes can be great teachers, and not just for kids. Many are not aware that the origins of many nursery rhymes were based in the monarchies when people did not have free speech and would create parodies of political situations hidden in the subtext. The great fact about many stories and parables is that they can be timeless, and so many of them are still apropos. So what can Humpty Dumpty teach us today?

Humpty Dumpty Sat On A Wall

How often do kids get in trouble for fibbing, manipulation of the truth or outright lies, and how serious are the consequences that we impose on them – grounding or time-outs, mouth washed out with soap, spanking or even physical beatings that cross the lines of abuse? How often to we ask ourselves why they are doing it or where they learned it? I think that for many of us, we have to look no farther than ourselves and then to society to find the answers to our questions.

The most basic motivation for a lie is to create an alternative truth or “shell” around ourselves that misdirects from our actual truth. We tell lies for some of the following reasons: to avoid pain, appear as greater than we are, create or feed fear, avoid our own fears and inadequacies, undermine or usurp others, create doubt, avoid responsibility… As you can see, many of these reasons overlap and are based in a lack of integrity.

Humpty Dumpty Had a Great Fall

I often tell people who come to see me that you can’t grow up in France and not learn to speak some French. More times than not, kids are a mirror to the adults around them, within their family and their culture. They are like passive sponges and their actions are often just reflecting back what they see. I think we also have to consider that the act of lying is an aspect of the human condition, and while this may be the case, it does not mean that we cannot aspire to a higher standard and level of behavior, especially as adults. What this translates into is the idea that we create an ideal self that we want to believe in and want others to believe in. The lie hides our real and our feel and the more disparity between the real, feel, and ideal, the farther there is to fall.

Issues of lying, manipulation and lack of integrity in our culture are reflecting on us from all angles. In our families, our political culture, religious culture, sports culture, corporate culture, the media… The problem is that many people believe that this is just the way it is. We believe that this is acceptable behavior, and many people strive to see how well they can play the game, whether it is lying about doing homework, responsibility for manipulating political facts, abuse of steroids, cooking financial books… We all may have our justifications for why we lie and manipulate the truth, but what we all need to see is that the reasons are self-motivated first.

All The King’s Horses and All The King’s Men

We often don’t like to look at the darker side of ourselves, and our denial can lead to our undoing and pain and even death to others around us. The consequence of this undoing often leads to more lies and manipulation to further cover our tracks. The question is, when will it stop? When do we say enough, not just in society, but within ourselves?

We can look to the rest of the world around us and blame them for our actions and manipulations, or we can look to ourselves and take accountability.

Couldn’t Put Humpty Together Again

Other people cannot put our lives in order and resolve our inability to look at our truth, however we are also ultimately responsible for the manipulations and falsehoods that we present to others. The stories, lies and manipulations that we put out there do not solve problems, they create more, and as we have seen so many times around us, the results can be tragic. Don’t the children of our generation and future generations deserve the truth? Do you have the courage to live in your truth?

Stay Tuned…

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com

I think we have all heard of a Mid-Life Crisis; well, I would like to add a wrinkle to this in discussing the Mid-Life Christmas. In my work as a therapist, I have had countless experiences with those in their late 30 to 40 “somethings” who find that the holidays are feeling emptier and emptier, and they are searching for the meaning in the holiday season.

As adults, the holiday season is often rushed, and in our world of work and life, coincides with year-end deadlines, quotas to be reached, household issues to be taken care of, and the span between Thanksgiving and Christmas feels like it gets shorter and shorter every year. The holiday season often has more pressure on it as a predictor of economic health, whether is sales on Black Friday at a national level or the load of gifts under your tree.

Regardless of if you have kids or not, there are still demands for Christmas cards, presents for family, neighbors, friends, employees, colleagues… and now much are you supposed to spend on these people??? Not to mention the Christmas parties and what happens if you don’t receive the cards, gifts, invites that you think you should??? How does one find time for all of this and stop and enjoy the reason for the season? Combine these factors with a search for meaning at mid-life and you have the perfect storm of the Mid-Life Christmas.

The Symptoms of the Season

So how do you know if you are experiencing a Mid-Life Christmas? There are a variety of emotions that can accompany this affliction. Most commonly is a lack of interest, resentment, or even dread for the holiday season. Underneath this outer shell of these protective emotions are often guilt, sadness, regret, fatigue, loss and overwhelmed. Many of us are taught to spend our lives avoiding these emotions, when the answer lies in embracing where they come from.

Just as in our Mid-Life Crises, many of our issues about the holidays begin earlier in life, and we often have to find where our spirit of Christmas abandoned us. Some of us grew up with the classic Christmas full of gifts and cheer, and some with year after year of disappointments that had us wondering about our worth and value. Why are both people feeling the same thing now? Is that really what the designers of Christmas had in mind? I think not.

I would ask you all to remember that the idea of Christmas is for all of us, and it is not intended for the wealthy. It is not intended only for the Christian. It was not designed to measure about how much we give or receive. It is designed to awaken and remind us of a spirit of giving from our heart and finding our abundance. It is a reminder of what we can look to find in everyday, not just one day of the year.

All I Need is a Remedy

As a remedy to the Mid-Life Christmas, I have suggested that people remove some of the demands of the holiday, and instead pick a day of the year that means something to them. On or around that day, send your cards or celebrate that day as your reminder of your abundance. You may still exchange the gifts on Christmas, but realize that you don’t have to put all of the pressure and demands on yourself or your family. Work to find the meaning and gifts in everyday.

Much Peace and Joy to you every day of the year…

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com

It has been a long road, but this will be the last post in my series about sex and how we treat our bodies, and just look where our fling has taken us. We started out in Part 1 with the sex talk, in Part 2 talked about love, Part 3 became lost in the throws of passion, Part 4 took a road trip with Vanessa in our guest post, had to stop and do our homework in Part 5, became distracted by the TV and media in Part 6, our real, feel, and ideal in Part 7, and now it is the morning after, and I have gotta go. I am feeling smothered.

In all seriousness, where has this journey taken us? Well, for as long as time has been ticking we have been and will continue to be beings that are anthropologically, genetically, physically, emotionally and spiritually driven to engage in sexual relationships with others. That has not been the issue of this series. I am all for people having sex. The issue is how we go about pursuing sex and how, in many ways, we have become slaves to our cultural beliefs, attitudes, behaviors and language of sex. IMHO, sex is one of the most sacred experiences in which we can engage with another person, and it is important that we see it that way for ourselves and others to preserve our self-respect and others’. Probably the most important subtext to this series has been the effect of our attitudes and the influence of various cultural issues on our kids. Honestly looking at all of these factors when it comes to ourselves, it is the influence of our issues on our kids is often the hard part.

Lost and Found Along the Way

It has not been my goal to come across as judgmental, nor holier than thou. I am not taking a religious nor political point of view; I am more focused on the health of our collective spirit. Sometimes in life, we become distracted by that which looks and feels inviting. This is not always in our best interest.

Life offers many distractions and temptations and so many things become a part of these distractions: work, play, relationships, television, internet, the media, drinking, drugs, social life, how we look, who likes and loves us… Many of these things I have touched on, and one of the common denominators of all these issues is often sex. It is ultimately up to us to take responsibility for what we focus on. It is my sincerest hope that you have grown through this exploration. These are some of the issues that I would like you to consider when considering your choice, not just in sex, but in life:

• Are we making the choice that brings us instant gratification, or making choices that look at our long-term best interest?
• Are our actions dishonoring our self and our soul, or are we loving, respecting and honoring ourselves?
• Are we looking for a quick fix, or are we truly looking for intimacy?
• Are our behaviors and attitudes carelessly affecting our children, or are we careful about what they see and hear?
• Are we indifferent to our children’s awareness and attitudes about sex/life, or if we are invested in what they are learning and doing?

I hope these become guidelines for you to use in your everyday life to help direct your choices for you and those you guide. Never forget the power that you have in what you create. No matter what you do create, do it from a place of love, and let that become its foundation. After all, amusement parks can be enjoyable when we ride them safely. When I’m done with this blog, I am going to Disney World.

The Pledge

I hope you will take the following pledge and will allow this to become a part of your everyday living.

I pledge to learn more about love, what it truly is and truly isn’t. I agree that sex is not love, but instead can come from a place of love. I agree to honor, my body, mind and soul and commit to the intention of acknowledging my mistakes in the context of sex and love and to learn and grow from them. I understand that to err is human and forgive myself and others is Divine.

I understand that sex is not a shameful or guilty act, and also acknowledge that sex, intimacy, trust and love belong hand-in-hand-in-hand-in-hand, and one without the others may not honor the creator’s intended design. I understand that it is my place to find my power and ability to love myself from within and will honor others as I honor myself.

Sex is not intended to be a vehicle of power, status or control, but a vehicle of love and connectedness that is the culmination of a respectful and healthy relationship based in Agape, Eros and Philos. I owe this commitment to myself, those I love, and those I will love.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…