Our last family picture on Ivy & Hunter's last day with us.

Well the time came this past weekend. Our two dogs, my wife’s and my first “children”, graduated to the dog park in the sky. Ivy (16 year old Blue Merle Australian Shepherd) and Hunter (14 year old Black Chow Shepherd mix) lived long, relatively healthy lives, and in the end we felt that we had to assist them along their journey to allow them to leave with dignity and not wanting them to unduly suffer. Both Ivy and Hunter were adopted after an early life of abuse. Ivy sprung back very well, after she adjusted to her new family. From the day we found her in the shelter on my 30^th birthday, and she jumped up on me and then my wife and wrapped her front legs around each of us, she was full of life and spunk. Hunter always had a tougher time escaping his early childhood trauma, and he was full of craftiness, often trying to see what he could get away with. In many ways, I looked at them both as if they were traumatized kids, who needed our patience, structure and love, and overall, they did very well with this approach. Ivy and Hunter both gave us so much in their unique ways, and even though Hunter could bring me to the brink of rage with his defiance and manipulative nature, we loved him just the same, and I learned to have more patience. I used to take them to the office, and Ivy had the incredible sense to know when a client was in emotional pain, and even in a deep sleep she would awaken and jump up next to them and look right through them, telling their soul it was going to be okay. They taught my wife and I that we could be parents to a human child, and helped us to become the parents that we are today. They cared for our daughter as if she was their own, and their patience with Grace, as she was growing, was admirable for any older sibling. Grace reached into Hunter’s heart in a way that no child ever had, and while he felt afraid of so many other children, he warmed up to Grace like holding a hot cocoa on a wintery night. She would dress him up, and he would take it, as well as many pictures we will smile at forever. Ivy on the other hand was Grace’s older sister, who let her know the limits and kept her in line. She tolerated Grace’s attempts to love her in her sometimes rough and tumble way, but had her line of dignity that Grace could not cross. We had let Grace know over the past six months that the dogs were getting older and knew that the day was coming when we would have to likely make this decision. After losing both grandfathers this year, we did not know how Grace would handle it. When we told her of our decision the night before we made arrangements, she cried like we had not heard her cry before, and just like a 6 year-old can do, she was asking for another dog in the same sentence she was saying that they were her best friends ever. It was okay and good for her to grieve. Death is one of the lessons a child may be fortunate enough to understand in an environment of trust and love, and we wanted her to know that her feelings were her own through this, and she has handled this Gracefully. What I told Grace when she asked about getting another dog, was that when we lose a person or a pet, we need to give our heart time to heal so that we don’t try to fill that empty space with something or someone else. This is a powerful life lesson. I told her to let her feelings be known and honor the memory of her dogs, and one day it would be time to get another dog. We would all know when. We all feel that we are better people because of Ivy and Hunter, and even their death happened for us, not to us. Their last day was filled with quality time, play with their doggie friends, a Frosty Paws ice cream party and cooked meat for dinner. When it came time, our Veterinarian came to our house. I did not want the dogs’ last moments to be feeling fear and unfamiliarity. Grace chose to be a part of the process, and we had discussed the process numerous times, and she helped where she could, to gain some power over her feelings of helplessness, handling the situation Gracefully and respectfully. A child’s view of death is often channeled through the parent, and we want to Grace to not fear it, but instead see it as a part of life. Death does not have to be morbid or scary. It is a transition – another life lesson. My wife held Ivy when she went to sleep, and I held Hunter. It wasn’t until the next day until it really hit me what it may have meant to Hunter for me to be holding him as he looked in my eyes when he went to sleep, “Here is my caretaker who raised me, loved me, fed me and gave me limits when I needed them, and in my last moments of life, he is holding me and loving me as much as I loved him – a much different reality than I came into this world with.” Well maybe he didn’t think that. “Maybe he was just thinking, this was a really fun day. I wonder what we are going to do tomorrow.” But I think that is what his eyes were saying. Hunter, I say this to you, “I hope we helped you to heal your soul in this life from what happened when you were young and helpless.” To Ivy, “Thank you for reaching into the hearts of so many and finding their smile.” You will both always be in our hearts… indelibly. Respectfully, Dr. E…

Don’t Let Your Career Define You

Too many times we allow our job or lack thereof define our worth and value. When we are out of work, we question who we are because we have placed our value in a dollar sign. When you feel this way, look around and see the other areas in your life where you add value – your kids, your spouse, your family… See how you are important to people around you in more than just your job and what they love about you. If you don’t see those things, then see if there are ways that you can add meaning to the lives of others. Furthermore, if you are in a relationship where you feel that people are putting a price on your worth, look at the relationship, get some help with it if you can, and if it isn’t working, it may be time to re-evaluate.

It is easy to get into a place of feeling sorry for ourselves when we feel down and out. Sometimes our thought patterns can keep us stuck in this. If you are stuck in these thought patterns, check your thoughts and redirect them to more positive thoughts.

Just Keep Swimming…

Do something positive everyday to keep your mind and brain working. People out of work sometimes have a hard time getting out of bed, and that look at the Help-wanted section can be a dreadful reminder of your situation. Read, learn, do something to help look for work or advance your situation. Is it time to go back to school to get educated in something new? What hobbies do you have that you can engage in? If money is an issue, can you find a free hobby? Volunteer your time if you can. Giving to others can feel empowering and you never know whom you will meet or what you will learn along the way. Worry and stress can become quicksand for many, so find a way to keep active.

Exercise Everyday

Exercise releases endorphins. These can help you feel better. This does not just mean to piddle around the weight room and do a few curls. This means do some work. You need to get your heart pumping. Running, weightlifting, Aerobics, Pilates… whatever you may enjoy that can get you and/or keep you in shape – this is critical to your physical and emotional health. Being in shape can also help in the interview process, as it can contribute to your sense of confidence, and appearance often matters in job interviews.

Sometimes We All Need a Hand

Sometimes people feel too “proud” to ask for help. Whether it is needing emotional support, part-time help, therapy… we live in a world of other people. Many people feel happy to help. Never think that you have to do everything on your own.

I put the quotes around “proud”, because that is what people call it. I call it arrogance. Pride is when we feel good about who we are. No matter what is going on around us, we can still feel proud of our efforts and who we are. Arrogance is a shield of false pride. It hides shame, guilt, inadequacy… When people can’t ask for help when they need it, it is often because they are hiding these emotions. Arrogance can bring down the people around you as well. You and your family can suffer.

Remember that you are not alone. So many people are going through the same situation. I believe that there is always something to learn in every situation and that life happens for us not to us. If there is something more you can do, then take a hard look at yourself and do it. If you are doing your best, then feel proud of your efforts and keep going. Appreciate those around you and let that love in. It’s the most important ingredient.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com

I grew up with a dad who worked a lot. His work was important to him, but it wasn’t until later that I truly realized why. As I kid, I wanted him to play with me, be at my baseball games, soccer games, scouting events, and while he made some of them, his attention to his work seemed to take precedence. I remember that when we did play pool together, he would beat me again and again, and was amazed that I would come back for more. But what he taught me was that he didn’t play down to me, he challenged me to play better, and when I did beat him, I knew I got his best.

When I was 8, my brother died, and while this was painful to experience as a child, I now, as a father, can more dearly understand how difficult this must have been for him. My Father tried to revive him when he found him on the floor, and his best efforts could not bring him back to life. It was in this time, as I reflect back, that my dad was selfless in times that required strength. My parents’ priority was to make sure that we, as a family stuck together, and while they both mourned the loss of their child in somewhat silence, in a time when expression of emotion was not the norm, they continued to support their children the best they knew how. As a family, we stayed together, and I remember that my Dad worked hard to make that following Christmas memorable. I think what my parents learned from the loss of their son was that life was precious and time together was important.

I remember my Dad and I usually making an annual trek to a Browns or Indians game when I was growing up, especially the Monday Night game against the Cowboys. Man was it cold. I grew up wanting more from my Dad, without understanding him and how he showed love. I didn’t appreciate his hard work and his humility. I now do. It was important for him to find me jobs at his office. That was how he connected with me. I was often known as the boss’ son, and while there were a few times I let him down, he never made it more about him, but I knew his expectations.

In my high school and college years, I had a few run-ins with my Dad, but instead of pushing me away, yelling or becoming aggressive, we had the brief, but serious talk, and he never held things over my head. He understood my humanness.

The summer before I was getting ready to graduate from college, he would call me from work and ask me to meet him for lunch. I would, and we would talk. He would listen, and he said he was sorry. He said that he knew he worked too much, and buried himself in his work after my brother died. He didn’t want his grief to be our grief. He believed his job was to be strong.

When my Dad was running a company outside of Detroit (while my parents still lived in Cleveland), I just graduated from college on my way to Grad school. He asked me to work for him to design and build the landscaping around their major rebuild of the company grounds. We spent the summer driving to and from work together (Dad, the left lane is for people who like to drive faster than the speed limit). Even when he asked me to do this, I didn’t realize how much he believed in me. We had some of the best talks driving to and from work and to and from Detroit to Cleveland for the weekends. What he also told me about why he worked so much then was that he felt it was his job to make sure that we had the ability to do the things as kids so that we could have a better life, and he was felt fortunate that he loved what he did.

And when my wife and I moved into our first house, with the help of my parents, he came to help landscape our yard with me. That is when my Dad realized I was an adult when I said, “Dad there are 50,000 ways to plant a rose, and it will still grow. Trust that you taught me well.” While I added an expletive to my comment, he stopped, listened, filtered and trusted my judgment.

And when my first business failed, and I was under a mountain of debt and stress, he came to help me dig myself out (pun intended). When I broke down during a hard day and went back to his temporary office and apologized for letting him down, all he said was, “Are you kidding me? I wish I had the courage to take the risk to do what you did.”

What my Dad learned from working too much was how to be a better grandfather and how to be a better father to us in our adult years. I am inspired by his ability to take responsibility for his mistakes and perhaps the highest compliment he paid me was telling me that I taught him how to hug and that I taught him more about emotion than anyone ever had.

He is loved by ALL of his grandkids, whether he is Big Daddy, Be-Paw, or Grandpa Buddy. He is known for his sense of humor, and the time and patience he takes with them to teach them about the simplest things in life. I loved watching him with my daughter, as he listened intently. Whether it is blowing bubbles, swimming in the pool, making funny faces, or finding fun in just about anything, he spent the time with his grand kids that they will remember for a lifetime. I feel proud that my daughter will remember her Big Daddy, and she got to read him Nursery Rhymes tonight on the phone.

You see, my Dad’s health has taken a turn for the worse in the past few days, and I am heading to Tucson tomorrow to hopefully get there in time. I pray for the weather and flight schedules to cooperate. For 13 years he has honorably and resiliently lived with cancer, not complaining much through the surgeries or the chemo – just showing a desire to live, not selfishly out of fear of death, but to share and create more memories for all of us, and to be a best friend to his wife. Through example, both of my parents taught us that we could find and marry our best friends. And I thank you both for loving my wife, as you love your own daughters. He has defied death, to champion life, and his strength makes me want to be a better man and to give to my generation and the next.

What I want you to know Dad is that you taught more than you knew, and even more, you had the courage to allow me to be your teacher. I thought for so long that I had created my equity-based approach to the world from understanding a control-based society, but now realize that my parents fostered an environment that allowed me to explore and respected my value. For giving me the permission of self-discovery, I thank you both.

I know that I am very fortunate to have a Father with integrity, who valued hard work, honesty, and who loved us the best way he knew how. I have come to appreciate the greatness of my Dad not just by seeing who he is and who he has become, but by working with so many people in my work who did not have a Father like mine. He is human and he knows it, and he accepted our humanness. I am sorry that it took me this long to truly understand him and how proud he felt of all of us, but I know it now.

Dad, I want to tell you that I love you more than you may ever know, and I am glad I got to tell you, in your living years. I feel proud to call you Big Daddy, and I speak for all of us when I say that you leave this world in a better place than it was when you got here, and we will carry the best of what you taught us into our futures. I hope that one day the world knows how great my Dad is, but I know it is enough for him that his family knows.

Respectfully,

Your son, Erik Anthony Fisher, aka Dr. E…

In all seriousness, where has this journey taken us? Well, for as long as time has been ticking we have been and will continue to be beings that are anthropologically, genetically, physically, emotionally and spiritually driven to engage in sexual relationships with others. That has not been the issue of this series. I am all for people having sex. The issue is how we go about pursuing sex and how, in many ways, we have become slaves to our cultural beliefs, attitudes, behaviors and language of sex. IMHO, sex is one of the most sacred experiences in which we can engage with another person, and it is important that we see it that way for ourselves and others to preserve our self-respect and others’. Probably the most important subtext to this series has been the effect of our attitudes and the influence of various cultural issues on our kids. Honestly looking at all of these factors when it comes to ourselves, it is the influence of our issues on our kids is often the hard part.

Lost and Found Along the Way

It has not been my goal to come across as judgmental, nor holier than thou. I am not taking a religious nor political point of view; I am more focused on the health of our collective spirit. Sometimes in life, we become distracted by that which looks and feels inviting. This is not always in our best interest.

Life offers many distractions and temptations and so many things become a part of these distractions: work, play, relationships, television, internet, the media, drinking, drugs, social life, how we look, who likes and loves us… Many of these things I have touched on, and one of the common denominators of all these issues is often sex. It is ultimately up to us to take responsibility for what we focus on. It is my sincerest hope that you have grown through this exploration. These are some of the issues that I would like you to consider when considering your choice, not just in sex, but in life:

• Are we making the choice that brings us instant gratification, or making choices that look at our long-term best interest?
• Are our actions dishonoring our self and our soul, or are we loving, respecting and honoring ourselves?
• Are we looking for a quick fix, or are we truly looking for intimacy?
• Are our behaviors and attitudes carelessly affecting our children, or are we careful about what they see and hear?
• Are we indifferent to our children’s awareness and attitudes about sex/life, or if we are invested in what they are learning and doing?

I hope these become guidelines for you to use in your everyday life to help direct your choices for you and those you guide. Never forget the power that you have in what you create. No matter what you do create, do it from a place of love, and let that become its foundation. After all, amusement parks can be enjoyable when we ride them safely. When I’m done with this blog, I am going to Disney World.

The Pledge

I hope you will take the following pledge and will allow this to become a part of your everyday living.

I pledge to learn more about love, what it truly is and truly isn’t. I agree that sex is not love, but instead can come from a place of love. I agree to honor, my body, mind and soul and commit to the intention of acknowledging my mistakes in the context of sex and love and to learn and grow from them. I understand that to err is human and forgive myself and others is Divine.

I understand that sex is not a shameful or guilty act, and also acknowledge that sex, intimacy, trust and love belong hand-in-hand-in-hand-in-hand, and one without the others may not honor the creator’s intended design. I understand that it is my place to find my power and ability to love myself from within and will honor others as I honor myself.

Sex is not intended to be a vehicle of power, status or control, but a vehicle of love and connectedness that is the culmination of a respectful and healthy relationship based in Agape, Eros and Philos. I owe this commitment to myself, those I love, and those I will love.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

When it comes to how we treat our bodies, there are often wide gaps between our real, feel and ideal, because it can feel painful to be so honest with ourselves and others. We spend so much time trying to avoid our truth and our emotions. As a result, we look to others for approval with our appearance and sexuality to see what we need to do to feel accepted and fit in with others. Family, peers, society and sources in the media become the objects that we look to that contribute to how we determine our real, feel, and ideal. There are many areas in our life where we may apply these concepts of real, feel and ideal and our sexuality is definitely one of them that is prominent in our culture. Too many times we are trying to deny and disprove our feel, ignore our real, and spend too much time trying to support our ideal by attempting to appeal to others through the way we dress, sexual innuendo and sexual behaviors… These behaviors are often accompanied with arrogance and exploitation which become a major part of our avoidance.

The purpose of arrogance is to protect us with a shield of false pride. It often hides feelings like shame, guilt, embarrassment, inadequacy, unlovable, and many other emotions that we consider to be bad, wrong and weak. The problem is that it often our arrogance can lead us to denial and can result in us getting into situations that are over our head and sometimes dangerous and even life-threatening. When we attempt to dress, talk, and/or act in a sexually provocative manner, we are often trying to use some of our “assets” that we feel will appeal to others. We want the attention, acceptance and power from others, often because we want to feel better about ourselves, getting us further away from our “feel” and closer to our ideal, but at what expense to our integrity and truth?

Am I saying that wanting to dress up and look nice is or wanting to feel our “sexual beingness” is a bad thing? Absolutely not. What I do believe, however, is that behaving as we do contributes to our avoidance of emotions, issues, attitudes and beliefs that would help us to become better people if we had the courage to face them. Too much of our lives are spent around avoidance of learning and understanding ourselves, and the intoxication surrounding sex and everything around it is often a great way to avoid.

Until my next post, pay attention to your feel, real, and ideal and see what you can learn about yourself. You may be surprised.

Vanessa’s post:

I have been working with the amazing Dr. E… on helping young people respect and cherish their bodies.  Our biggest challenge was figuring out how to spread this message in a relevant, interesting way to kids and teens so that we were not being preachy or missing the mark.

We decided to write a short series of posts on this topic for our parent readers.  Dr. E…’s first article, [here] is an introduction to the Your Body is Not A Disneyland Message:

“Your Body is Not a Disneyland: Throughout time, people have treated their bodies like amusement parks, sometimes letting almost anybody take a ride at any cost to their self-respect. Whether it is in the name of experimentation or being a free spirit, your body is your temple, and how you and others treat it is, in some way, a testament to your feelings, beliefs and attitudes about yourself. The issue of how we treat our bodies doesn’t begin or end with us as adults. This has a trickledown effect to our children. They are always watching and listening. If we don’t begin to see and understand this issue, our children and ourselves will likely continue this self-depleting pattern. Why and how do we develop our attitudes and beliefs about sexuality, and how can we and our children learn to respect our bodies and our souls?”

While thinking about my take on this concept, I remembered a comparison that my health teacher made to me in 5^th grade that has always stuck with me.

“Your body is like a car,” she told me.

“What do you mean Mrs. Brown?” I asked.

“If you knew you had one car for your entire life what would you do when you got it?”

This was an easy question, “I would take really, really good care of it.”

She nodded. “Would you give it the best quality gasoline?”

“Yes, definitely,” I responded.

“Would you wash it, clean it regularly and take it in for check-ups?”

“I would take it in all the time just to check, and I would make sure that people cleaned their feet before they got in.” I responded, reconciling having only one car my whole life and my messy friends.

“I bet you would be careful who you let in it and who you let drive it too?” She sat down.

“Oh my goodness yes.  I would only let people I really, really trust drive it.”

“Have you ever thought that your body is like getting one car for your entire life?”

I had not, but now I was getting the comparison.  Here are the tips that changed how I treat and think about my body. I challenge you to share them with your family:

1. You only get one, so treat it very carefully.

2. Take preventative care.  Make sure to protect the outside and the interior with sunscreen/carwax, vitamins/leather cleaner.

3. Get regular check-ups.

4. Have fun too, but always make sure you are safe.

And the most important one…

5. Only let people you really trust and love get into it.

Dr. E…’s [second and third installment] addresses love head on, from a global, scientific and even historical perspective.  I thought I would add to these angles by bringing an example that many kids understand in real terms.  They would never let someone they did not know or trust drive the only car they get for their entire life.  It is the same thing with loving relationships and with sexual relations.

I hope that you can talk to your kids about treating their body more like a once in a lifetime car, and less like a Disneyland.

Next Installment: The Media Machine

Vanessa Van Petten, youthologist and teen author of the parenting book “You’re Grounded!,” manages RadicalParenting.com, a parenting blog written by 119 teen writers, ages 12-20 to help parents and adults get an honest and open view into the world and mind of youth. Van Petten’s work and blog have been featured in the Wall Street Journal, Teen Vogue, CNN, Fox News, Real Housewives of Orange County and much more!  She won the Moms Choice Award in 2009 and her work is read by over 300,000 adults.
http://www.RadicalParenting.com

Additional Articles by Vanessa and her crew:

The Laws of Teen Dating: Tween Inter-Sex life Here I go over some popular sexual terms and trends including sexting and what is inter-sex anyway?

Teen Trend: 7 Reasons Why It’s Cool to Pretend Be Bisexual Yes, this is the new wave.  Everyone is bisexual and a lot of teens are now pretending to be bisexual or gay because it is the ‘cool’ thing to do.

Teaching Teen Girls: 5 Signs A Guy Is Only Interested in Sex A parent’s guide to teach their daughters this very important dating lesson.

Teen Hook Up Culture: Teen Sex and Theme Parties Oh yes, teens having sex and Pimps and Hoes Parties when parents leave town or the second they get to college…some myths and truths.

5 Messy Teen Sex and Relationship Issues You NEED to Talk to Your Kids About There’s more to the “Sex Talk” than just the birds and the bees. What every parent must discuss with their teen.

The Sex Talk: 6 Things Parents Must Know Straight from the mouths of teens, what parents should consider before giving the sex talk.

Many of the teen articles are here: http://www.radicalparenting.com/category/sex/

Both sex and that eros type love discussed in Part 2 have very strong effects on the brain that can feel intoxicating in different ways. There are various ways that researchers can measure the concept of love and sex, but as one can imagine, with the lightning speed that things can happen when it comes to sex, recording and understanding that process can be a little more difficult.

The experience of sex begins long before we may end up in the throes of passion. When sexual desire is activated, the amygdala (where powerful emotions are evoked), hippocampus (where memories are managed) and areas that evoke body-awareness and understanding the motives of others are stimulated. Also stimulated are areas of the Limbic System, which is one of the most primal, emotional parts of our brain. At the same time there can also be stimulation of visual centers (more common in men), self-awareness centers and other areas of the brain that may be stimulated rapidly and then become inactive.

The neurochemical involved in this euphoric process is dopamine. Researchers have stated that the rush of dopamine that occurs at orgasm is similar to the same rush that occurs when people shoot Heroin. That’s a pretty powerful punch. So what keeps us from pursuing the next fix again and again? Well, after we have reached our physical nirvana, the body secretes a chemical called prolactin. This chemical helps us to turn off our desire for sex. The effects of prolactin can influence desire and behavior for days after sex, which can explain some of the “on and off switching” that people experience in sexual relationships.

The perception of being “in love” also effects the Limbic System and dopamine is also a key neurotransmitter. When someone experiences the more primal, lusty side of the eros attraction, all rationality goes out the window, due to the stimulation of the brain and the role that dopamine plays. To our brain this feels like a huge reward. So what that really means is that we will do anything for dopamine (but I won’t do that… Sorry for the Meatloaf reference).

So just what am I saying here? Well, without going into too much detail in this installment, I wanted to make the point that our life experiences are connected to neurochemistry and the influence of our neurochemistry on our behaviors. The experiences of love and sex are strongly influenced by chemical processes in the brain, and those influences are as strong as or stronger than many illegal drugs. The question is how much influence do we have with self-awareness and education over our chemistry? Many researchers would argue that this is the way we were designed and/or evolved? I believe that we have more influence than we would like to think. There is an interaction between our thoughts, emotions and intents and our neurochemistry. If this wasn’t the case, therapy wouldn’t work. So, if people are blaming their neurochemistry or the devil for their actions in the bedroom, I would ask them to think again.

As I have said before, we are highly evolved and have the ability to use our frontal lobe for reasoning and problem solving, while we are prone to make mistakes. Sometimes reasoning is a difficult undertaking, especially when we feel intoxicated by desire or love. But we have choices. Think about tomorrow when you are acting today, and always be willing to talk with someone you trust when seeking advice before you make a mistake that may last a lifetime.

If you are interested in reading more on this topic, I would encourage you to read works by Pat Love, Helen Fisher, Serge Stoleru, whose work was referenced in this installment.

Next installment… Vanessa’s Guest Post

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

How Do I Love Thee???

Let’s first look at our concept of love. We have one word that describes so many different emotional states, and this lack of attention to detail to this very important concept is a major problem in our culture, IMHO. There is a popular urban legend that says that Eskimos have more than one-hundred words for snow, and while the figure has been grossly exaggerated, the idea is that concepts that are important to a culture will have much more specificity than those that aren’t as important.

So, just how do we “love” things, let me count the ways… You can love your mom, your dad, your kids, your sister, your brother, your friend, your uncle, your aunt, your cousin, your teacher, your boss, your student, your country, your team, your school… You can also love a sunny day, an ice cream cone, the beach, skiing, baseball, football, as well as your pets. Some even say that they love sex.

The question is, even with this short list of things we may say that we love, do we love them the same way? I think not. Yet we use the same word to describe so many states of emotion. Do we have some words that describe different states of love? Yes, but our use of the word love is somewhat careless and leads to a lot of confusion that I firmly believe affects our relationships and attitudes toward intimacy and sex.

It has been said that Sanskrit had 96 words for love and ancient Persian had 80. Greek has three: Agape, Philos, and Eros. I will explain those, because it takes a takes a lot less time to convey the point, and we all know that blog are supposed to be brief . Agape is considered to be a more spiritual love. It is described in the Bible as to how God loves man, and I would describe it as our admiration and connection to people on their journey in life. Philos or philia is a brotherly type of love and overlaps into how parents love their children, how siblings love each other, friends love each other, and even how some people may love their pets. As you can see only three words is already getting a bit sticky. The third type of love is eros, which describes a romantic type of love. It involves the attraction between two people that is sexual and ranges from physical attraction to blind infatuation.

Well, what happens when we only have one word to describe so many states? It leads to emotional confusion and a great deal of discomfort. Let’s say that a girl loves a boy in a philos way, but the boy feels eros? They both love each other, but the boy is feel that he wants to take the relationship to the next level, while the girl is enjoying the closeness with the boy. She may then feel pressured by him to take the relationship where he wants to go or fear losing him and the love she feels from him. They both “love” each other don’t they? But does it mean the same thing, and are either of them ready for sex?

Age Is A Relative Term

What I try to teach people, as young as twelve years old through adulthood, is that in order for any intimate long-term relationship to survive, both people have to feel all three components as the relationship develops and grows. Too many times, people in our culture believe that feeling that eros attraction, which is often as strong as a mind-altering high, is enough to take a relationship to the next level. Eros will always wear off, because that is, in part, a neurophysiological experience (I will explain more about that later). The problem is that when the eros wears off, what are the two people left with? Too many times they are left with nothing, and the relationship dies. What happens when either person wakes up and one finds themselves pregnant or they find themselves married?

Developing a deep friendship (philos) and admiring the person (agape) that you are in a relationship are crucial to a successful relationship. It is easy to open ourselves up to our more primal urges and let emotion take over only to find ourselves in the walk of shame the next morning, but I feel that we were born with the ability to reason beyond our more primal self and learn to respect ourselves and those we relate to. We owe that to ourselves.

In my next installment, we will discuss “The Ultimate High…”

Respectfully,

Dr. E…