Our last family picture on Ivy & Hunter's last day with us.

Well the time came this past weekend. Our two dogs, my wife’s and my first “children”, graduated to the dog park in the sky. Ivy (16 year old Blue Merle Australian Shepherd) and Hunter (14 year old Black Chow Shepherd mix) lived long, relatively healthy lives, and in the end we felt that we had to assist them along their journey to allow them to leave with dignity and not wanting them to unduly suffer. Both Ivy and Hunter were adopted after an early life of abuse. Ivy sprung back very well, after she adjusted to her new family. From the day we found her in the shelter on my 30^th birthday, and she jumped up on me and then my wife and wrapped her front legs around each of us, she was full of life and spunk. Hunter always had a tougher time escaping his early childhood trauma, and he was full of craftiness, often trying to see what he could get away with. In many ways, I looked at them both as if they were traumatized kids, who needed our patience, structure and love, and overall, they did very well with this approach. Ivy and Hunter both gave us so much in their unique ways, and even though Hunter could bring me to the brink of rage with his defiance and manipulative nature, we loved him just the same, and I learned to have more patience. I used to take them to the office, and Ivy had the incredible sense to know when a client was in emotional pain, and even in a deep sleep she would awaken and jump up next to them and look right through them, telling their soul it was going to be okay. They taught my wife and I that we could be parents to a human child, and helped us to become the parents that we are today. They cared for our daughter as if she was their own, and their patience with Grace, as she was growing, was admirable for any older sibling. Grace reached into Hunter’s heart in a way that no child ever had, and while he felt afraid of so many other children, he warmed up to Grace like holding a hot cocoa on a wintery night. She would dress him up, and he would take it, as well as many pictures we will smile at forever. Ivy on the other hand was Grace’s older sister, who let her know the limits and kept her in line. She tolerated Grace’s attempts to love her in her sometimes rough and tumble way, but had her line of dignity that Grace could not cross. We had let Grace know over the past six months that the dogs were getting older and knew that the day was coming when we would have to likely make this decision. After losing both grandfathers this year, we did not know how Grace would handle it. When we told her of our decision the night before we made arrangements, she cried like we had not heard her cry before, and just like a 6 year-old can do, she was asking for another dog in the same sentence she was saying that they were her best friends ever. It was okay and good for her to grieve. Death is one of the lessons a child may be fortunate enough to understand in an environment of trust and love, and we wanted her to know that her feelings were her own through this, and she has handled this Gracefully. What I told Grace when she asked about getting another dog, was that when we lose a person or a pet, we need to give our heart time to heal so that we don’t try to fill that empty space with something or someone else. This is a powerful life lesson. I told her to let her feelings be known and honor the memory of her dogs, and one day it would be time to get another dog. We would all know when. We all feel that we are better people because of Ivy and Hunter, and even their death happened for us, not to us. Their last day was filled with quality time, play with their doggie friends, a Frosty Paws ice cream party and cooked meat for dinner. When it came time, our Veterinarian came to our house. I did not want the dogs’ last moments to be feeling fear and unfamiliarity. Grace chose to be a part of the process, and we had discussed the process numerous times, and she helped where she could, to gain some power over her feelings of helplessness, handling the situation Gracefully and respectfully. A child’s view of death is often channeled through the parent, and we want to Grace to not fear it, but instead see it as a part of life. Death does not have to be morbid or scary. It is a transition – another life lesson. My wife held Ivy when she went to sleep, and I held Hunter. It wasn’t until the next day until it really hit me what it may have meant to Hunter for me to be holding him as he looked in my eyes when he went to sleep, “Here is my caretaker who raised me, loved me, fed me and gave me limits when I needed them, and in my last moments of life, he is holding me and loving me as much as I loved him – a much different reality than I came into this world with.” Well maybe he didn’t think that. “Maybe he was just thinking, this was a really fun day. I wonder what we are going to do tomorrow.” But I think that is what his eyes were saying. Hunter, I say this to you, “I hope we helped you to heal your soul in this life from what happened when you were young and helpless.” To Ivy, “Thank you for reaching into the hearts of so many and finding their smile.” You will both always be in our hearts… indelibly. Respectfully, Dr. E…

Have you noticed the moving target? Over the past decades, Corporate America has put their crosshairs on younger and younger kids. Advertising dollars are looking to gain lifetime consumers and brand loyalty, soon, out of the crib, by marketing everything from make-up to clothing to electronics and the latest move by Skechers to focus their Shape-Ups shoes for girls. Perhaps companies feel that if Joe Camel got in on the game, “shouldn’t we get our piece? It should be okay for us, shouldn’t it? After all we are not selling cigarettes?”

Advertising Gone Wild

I think we have to be careful to jump to too many conclusions that many ad campaigns gone awry are exploitative from the start. There are many good intentioned people who work for Corporate America who want to make this world a better place for our kids. They often believe that what they are selling would be great for kids, and while some have valid points and misguided intentions, others have gotten lost on the way to their year-end bonuses. “Lets help our girls look fitter, slimmer, feel good about the way they look… because looking good in our culture is the most important thing. Right? It is for the Kardashians, isn’t it?” Their intentions do not always add up to a good outcome, and sometimes it is downright exploitative, intended or not.

This blog is not just about Skechers. It is about a consumer-based culture that has been changing in a dangerous direction. This trend toward marketing more adult products to kids is in full swing and shows no signs of slowing down. “In a down market, expand your customer base. Isn’t that good economics? Kids will be our consumers one day so why not start them out now?”

Stimulus Overload

As I have discussed before, our kids and we are inundated with thousands of images everyday selling everything but our collective soul, and even that may be up for sale soon. Our boundaries are getting blurrier and blurrier as to what is healthy for our kids, and ourselves, and we can barely see our moral compass before our eyes. This is not about a conservative movement to control what our kids see and do, and it is not a liberal agenda to destroy a corporate culture. It is a concerted effort to point out that we are taking our kids’ childhood away with our own blind ambition. In this situation with Skechers, I can see that they may not have intended to create such a negative buzz, but just like the Elmo/Katy Perry debacle, those in the position to make decisions were numb to the deeper issues and the result reflected their own dysfunction and/ours.

The Balancing Act

Our kids require limits and balance and so do we. They deserve a childhood that brings them the joy of time spent together – one that offers freedom from addictions to toys, phones, televisions and computers. They deserve our time, patience and love, not our credit cards and wallets.

We are their eyes when they are learning to see. We are their ears when they seeking sound, and we are their voice, when they cannot speak. It is up to us to realize that we may have lost our way, and may be guiding them down that path that got us into debt further than any generation before us. That debt is not just financial, it’s emotional, it’s relational, it’s recreational, it’s sleep-deprived, it’s over-scheduled, and it’s farther and farther away from peace than it is war.

The Rear View Mirror

We often complain that being left behind is becoming a reality. Why is that? What changed in the last fifty years? The consumer culture is part of the problem, not the solution. We are looking more at what we can buy, than what we can learn. Furthermore, when companies are confronted about their ads, they claim ignorance. When parents are confronted with their kids’ behaviors and preferences they blame the culture.

We have become a society that blames others instead of taking responsibility for our actions. The less responsibility we take for our actions, the less we can learn. Integrity has to begin at the foundation and continue all the way up to the top floor. Where is ours today? Where is yours?

Parenting 101

People want an answer for how to stop corporate greed and marketing to kids. Don’t buy their products and have the self-discipline to turn the channel or the page. Here are a few more tips to good parenting. Take the time to talk with your kids about what they are exposed to – ask questions, don’t lecture. Give them limits on what they watch and compute and listen to, and how much they watch, compute and listen. Pay attention to what you spend your money on and theirs; don’t look to pacify them. Give your kids hugs and kisses, not Hershey’s Kisses and a happy meal. Take them outside and play with them, don’t just send them outside. Put your phone down, get off of your couch, turn off your I-pod, and be an example. Play games with your kids. Read to them. Don’t expect the school to teach them. Don’t complain about why our world is the way it is and why our kids are behaving as they are; do something about it. Be part of the action that will help your children and you get healthy, emotionally, relationally , recreationally, academically, socially, spiritually… Even Joe Camel wearing his Skechers won’t be able to touch that.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com

I grew up with a dad who worked a lot. His work was important to him, but it wasn’t until later that I truly realized why. As I kid, I wanted him to play with me, be at my baseball games, soccer games, scouting events, and while he made some of them, his attention to his work seemed to take precedence. I remember that when we did play pool together, he would beat me again and again, and was amazed that I would come back for more. But what he taught me was that he didn’t play down to me, he challenged me to play better, and when I did beat him, I knew I got his best.

When I was 8, my brother died, and while this was painful to experience as a child, I now, as a father, can more dearly understand how difficult this must have been for him. My Father tried to revive him when he found him on the floor, and his best efforts could not bring him back to life. It was in this time, as I reflect back, that my dad was selfless in times that required strength. My parents’ priority was to make sure that we, as a family stuck together, and while they both mourned the loss of their child in somewhat silence, in a time when expression of emotion was not the norm, they continued to support their children the best they knew how. As a family, we stayed together, and I remember that my Dad worked hard to make that following Christmas memorable. I think what my parents learned from the loss of their son was that life was precious and time together was important.

I remember my Dad and I usually making an annual trek to a Browns or Indians game when I was growing up, especially the Monday Night game against the Cowboys. Man was it cold. I grew up wanting more from my Dad, without understanding him and how he showed love. I didn’t appreciate his hard work and his humility. I now do. It was important for him to find me jobs at his office. That was how he connected with me. I was often known as the boss’ son, and while there were a few times I let him down, he never made it more about him, but I knew his expectations.

In my high school and college years, I had a few run-ins with my Dad, but instead of pushing me away, yelling or becoming aggressive, we had the brief, but serious talk, and he never held things over my head. He understood my humanness.

The summer before I was getting ready to graduate from college, he would call me from work and ask me to meet him for lunch. I would, and we would talk. He would listen, and he said he was sorry. He said that he knew he worked too much, and buried himself in his work after my brother died. He didn’t want his grief to be our grief. He believed his job was to be strong.

When my Dad was running a company outside of Detroit (while my parents still lived in Cleveland), I just graduated from college on my way to Grad school. He asked me to work for him to design and build the landscaping around their major rebuild of the company grounds. We spent the summer driving to and from work together (Dad, the left lane is for people who like to drive faster than the speed limit). Even when he asked me to do this, I didn’t realize how much he believed in me. We had some of the best talks driving to and from work and to and from Detroit to Cleveland for the weekends. What he also told me about why he worked so much then was that he felt it was his job to make sure that we had the ability to do the things as kids so that we could have a better life, and he was felt fortunate that he loved what he did.

And when my wife and I moved into our first house, with the help of my parents, he came to help landscape our yard with me. That is when my Dad realized I was an adult when I said, “Dad there are 50,000 ways to plant a rose, and it will still grow. Trust that you taught me well.” While I added an expletive to my comment, he stopped, listened, filtered and trusted my judgment.

And when my first business failed, and I was under a mountain of debt and stress, he came to help me dig myself out (pun intended). When I broke down during a hard day and went back to his temporary office and apologized for letting him down, all he said was, “Are you kidding me? I wish I had the courage to take the risk to do what you did.”

What my Dad learned from working too much was how to be a better grandfather and how to be a better father to us in our adult years. I am inspired by his ability to take responsibility for his mistakes and perhaps the highest compliment he paid me was telling me that I taught him how to hug and that I taught him more about emotion than anyone ever had.

He is loved by ALL of his grandkids, whether he is Big Daddy, Be-Paw, or Grandpa Buddy. He is known for his sense of humor, and the time and patience he takes with them to teach them about the simplest things in life. I loved watching him with my daughter, as he listened intently. Whether it is blowing bubbles, swimming in the pool, making funny faces, or finding fun in just about anything, he spent the time with his grand kids that they will remember for a lifetime. I feel proud that my daughter will remember her Big Daddy, and she got to read him Nursery Rhymes tonight on the phone.

You see, my Dad’s health has taken a turn for the worse in the past few days, and I am heading to Tucson tomorrow to hopefully get there in time. I pray for the weather and flight schedules to cooperate. For 13 years he has honorably and resiliently lived with cancer, not complaining much through the surgeries or the chemo – just showing a desire to live, not selfishly out of fear of death, but to share and create more memories for all of us, and to be a best friend to his wife. Through example, both of my parents taught us that we could find and marry our best friends. And I thank you both for loving my wife, as you love your own daughters. He has defied death, to champion life, and his strength makes me want to be a better man and to give to my generation and the next.

What I want you to know Dad is that you taught more than you knew, and even more, you had the courage to allow me to be your teacher. I thought for so long that I had created my equity-based approach to the world from understanding a control-based society, but now realize that my parents fostered an environment that allowed me to explore and respected my value. For giving me the permission of self-discovery, I thank you both.

I know that I am very fortunate to have a Father with integrity, who valued hard work, honesty, and who loved us the best way he knew how. I have come to appreciate the greatness of my Dad not just by seeing who he is and who he has become, but by working with so many people in my work who did not have a Father like mine. He is human and he knows it, and he accepted our humanness. I am sorry that it took me this long to truly understand him and how proud he felt of all of us, but I know it now.

Dad, I want to tell you that I love you more than you may ever know, and I am glad I got to tell you, in your living years. I feel proud to call you Big Daddy, and I speak for all of us when I say that you leave this world in a better place than it was when you got here, and we will carry the best of what you taught us into our futures. I hope that one day the world knows how great my Dad is, but I know it is enough for him that his family knows.

Respectfully,

Your son, Erik Anthony Fisher, aka Dr. E…

As adults, the holiday season is often rushed, and in our world of work and life, coincides with year-end deadlines, quotas to be reached, household issues to be taken care of, and the span between Thanksgiving and Christmas feels like it gets shorter and shorter every year. The holiday season often has more pressure on it as a predictor of economic health, whether is sales on Black Friday at a national level or the load of gifts under your tree.

Regardless of if you have kids or not, there are still demands for Christmas cards, presents for family, neighbors, friends, employees, colleagues… and now much are you supposed to spend on these people??? Not to mention the Christmas parties and what happens if you don’t receive the cards, gifts, invites that you think you should??? How does one find time for all of this and stop and enjoy the reason for the season? Combine these factors with a search for meaning at mid-life and you have the perfect storm of the Mid-Life Christmas.

The Symptoms of the Season

So how do you know if you are experiencing a Mid-Life Christmas? There are a variety of emotions that can accompany this affliction. Most commonly is a lack of interest, resentment, or even dread for the holiday season. Underneath this outer shell of these protective emotions are often guilt, sadness, regret, fatigue, loss and overwhelmed. Many of us are taught to spend our lives avoiding these emotions, when the answer lies in embracing where they come from.

Just as in our Mid-Life Crises, many of our issues about the holidays begin earlier in life, and we often have to find where our spirit of Christmas abandoned us. Some of us grew up with the classic Christmas full of gifts and cheer, and some with year after year of disappointments that had us wondering about our worth and value. Why are both people feeling the same thing now? Is that really what the designers of Christmas had in mind? I think not.

I would ask you all to remember that the idea of Christmas is for all of us, and it is not intended for the wealthy. It is not intended only for the Christian. It was not designed to measure about how much we give or receive. It is designed to awaken and remind us of a spirit of giving from our heart and finding our abundance. It is a reminder of what we can look to find in everyday, not just one day of the year.

All I Need is a Remedy

As a remedy to the Mid-Life Christmas, I have suggested that people remove some of the demands of the holiday, and instead pick a day of the year that means something to them. On or around that day, send your cards or celebrate that day as your reminder of your abundance. You may still exchange the gifts on Christmas, but realize that you don’t have to put all of the pressure and demands on yourself or your family. Work to find the meaning and gifts in everyday.

Much Peace and Joy to you every day of the year…

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com

In all seriousness, where has this journey taken us? Well, for as long as time has been ticking we have been and will continue to be beings that are anthropologically, genetically, physically, emotionally and spiritually driven to engage in sexual relationships with others. That has not been the issue of this series. I am all for people having sex. The issue is how we go about pursuing sex and how, in many ways, we have become slaves to our cultural beliefs, attitudes, behaviors and language of sex. IMHO, sex is one of the most sacred experiences in which we can engage with another person, and it is important that we see it that way for ourselves and others to preserve our self-respect and others’. Probably the most important subtext to this series has been the effect of our attitudes and the influence of various cultural issues on our kids. Honestly looking at all of these factors when it comes to ourselves, it is the influence of our issues on our kids is often the hard part.

Lost and Found Along the Way

It has not been my goal to come across as judgmental, nor holier than thou. I am not taking a religious nor political point of view; I am more focused on the health of our collective spirit. Sometimes in life, we become distracted by that which looks and feels inviting. This is not always in our best interest.

Life offers many distractions and temptations and so many things become a part of these distractions: work, play, relationships, television, internet, the media, drinking, drugs, social life, how we look, who likes and loves us… Many of these things I have touched on, and one of the common denominators of all these issues is often sex. It is ultimately up to us to take responsibility for what we focus on. It is my sincerest hope that you have grown through this exploration. These are some of the issues that I would like you to consider when considering your choice, not just in sex, but in life:

• Are we making the choice that brings us instant gratification, or making choices that look at our long-term best interest?
• Are our actions dishonoring our self and our soul, or are we loving, respecting and honoring ourselves?
• Are we looking for a quick fix, or are we truly looking for intimacy?
• Are our behaviors and attitudes carelessly affecting our children, or are we careful about what they see and hear?
• Are we indifferent to our children’s awareness and attitudes about sex/life, or if we are invested in what they are learning and doing?

I hope these become guidelines for you to use in your everyday life to help direct your choices for you and those you guide. Never forget the power that you have in what you create. No matter what you do create, do it from a place of love, and let that become its foundation. After all, amusement parks can be enjoyable when we ride them safely. When I’m done with this blog, I am going to Disney World.

The Pledge

I hope you will take the following pledge and will allow this to become a part of your everyday living.

I pledge to learn more about love, what it truly is and truly isn’t. I agree that sex is not love, but instead can come from a place of love. I agree to honor, my body, mind and soul and commit to the intention of acknowledging my mistakes in the context of sex and love and to learn and grow from them. I understand that to err is human and forgive myself and others is Divine.

I understand that sex is not a shameful or guilty act, and also acknowledge that sex, intimacy, trust and love belong hand-in-hand-in-hand-in-hand, and one without the others may not honor the creator’s intended design. I understand that it is my place to find my power and ability to love myself from within and will honor others as I honor myself.

Sex is not intended to be a vehicle of power, status or control, but a vehicle of love and connectedness that is the culmination of a respectful and healthy relationship based in Agape, Eros and Philos. I owe this commitment to myself, those I love, and those I will love.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

Get Slinky

I would like to provide you with a few examples that I have seen in the past two days. My daughter is four years old, and she likes to get on the computer and play on some of the dress-up sites. These sites are geared toward kids who can use the mouse and drag and drop clothing, shoes, jewelry… In other words some are very young kids who are learning to use the computer and may not have proper parent supervision. There are hundreds of these sites on the internet and many of them come with ads attached. The range of characters are from cartoon characters, to fairies, to young girls, teens and adults and actors and actresses. I am very conscious of how many of these characters are portrayed, and while there are many that I don’t allow my daughter to play on, still there are many more that have “Zwinky” ads on there that have many cartoon type girls with cleavage. These ads run on the side of many of these dress-up sites, and I talk to my daughter about these sites and that I don’t want her to feel that she has to look or dress a certain way to get attention.

The second example is related to Eureka a show that I was watching on the SyFy channel. This show is more of a technology-fantasy type show, and in one of the scenes, a woman is proposed to by a man, and in the process of her opening up the ring, she is wearing a tight-fitting tank top. The camera puts the center of the shot on her breasts with the ring to the side. The camera then has to pan up and to the right to focus on her face. What caught my attention to this shot was that the camera had to move so abruptly to the right to refocus on her face that I rewound to see the layout of the shot to really notice how quickly and subtly this was done.

Finally, the most obvious selling of innuendo was on America’s Most Talented. There is a female artist named Maricar, who in one of the shows did her act in a devil’s costume, purposely accentuating her bountiful cleavage. As if her artistry act wasn’t enough, they continued to fit her in to many of the segue shots after that with other contestants and then next to the host at the end of the show.

Dwayne the Bathtub, We’re Dwowning…

These were only three short examples, and I did not cover magazines, news shows, prime time television, kids shows and cartoons, commercials, billboard, advertising, suggestive wording and phrasing, adult-focused internet content (not pornography)… and the list goes on. As we know, sex sells, and often what it is selling has so little to do what the product.

We are inundated in sexual content, and we don’t even realize it. Now please understand, I realize that we are sexual beings, but how early and how much of our lives need to be inundated in sexually suggestive content. Remember, I believe the human body is a work of art, and is something to be appreciated, however, I do feel that there is a difference between appreciating the human body and selling sexual content. We may have become numb to it, but do our kids need to become numb to it also, and at what cost to them? If these patterns in our society are going to change, we have to choose to stop buying.

Up next… Part 7, The Dying Breed

Respectfully,
Dr. E…

Vanessa’s post:

I have been working with the amazing Dr. E… on helping young people respect and cherish their bodies.  Our biggest challenge was figuring out how to spread this message in a relevant, interesting way to kids and teens so that we were not being preachy or missing the mark.

We decided to write a short series of posts on this topic for our parent readers.  Dr. E…’s first article, [here] is an introduction to the Your Body is Not A Disneyland Message:

“Your Body is Not a Disneyland: Throughout time, people have treated their bodies like amusement parks, sometimes letting almost anybody take a ride at any cost to their self-respect. Whether it is in the name of experimentation or being a free spirit, your body is your temple, and how you and others treat it is, in some way, a testament to your feelings, beliefs and attitudes about yourself. The issue of how we treat our bodies doesn’t begin or end with us as adults. This has a trickledown effect to our children. They are always watching and listening. If we don’t begin to see and understand this issue, our children and ourselves will likely continue this self-depleting pattern. Why and how do we develop our attitudes and beliefs about sexuality, and how can we and our children learn to respect our bodies and our souls?”

While thinking about my take on this concept, I remembered a comparison that my health teacher made to me in 5^th grade that has always stuck with me.

“Your body is like a car,” she told me.

“What do you mean Mrs. Brown?” I asked.

“If you knew you had one car for your entire life what would you do when you got it?”

This was an easy question, “I would take really, really good care of it.”

She nodded. “Would you give it the best quality gasoline?”

“Yes, definitely,” I responded.

“Would you wash it, clean it regularly and take it in for check-ups?”

“I would take it in all the time just to check, and I would make sure that people cleaned their feet before they got in.” I responded, reconciling having only one car my whole life and my messy friends.

“I bet you would be careful who you let in it and who you let drive it too?” She sat down.

“Oh my goodness yes.  I would only let people I really, really trust drive it.”

“Have you ever thought that your body is like getting one car for your entire life?”

I had not, but now I was getting the comparison.  Here are the tips that changed how I treat and think about my body. I challenge you to share them with your family:

1. You only get one, so treat it very carefully.

2. Take preventative care.  Make sure to protect the outside and the interior with sunscreen/carwax, vitamins/leather cleaner.

3. Get regular check-ups.

4. Have fun too, but always make sure you are safe.

And the most important one…

5. Only let people you really trust and love get into it.

Dr. E…’s [second and third installment] addresses love head on, from a global, scientific and even historical perspective.  I thought I would add to these angles by bringing an example that many kids understand in real terms.  They would never let someone they did not know or trust drive the only car they get for their entire life.  It is the same thing with loving relationships and with sexual relations.

I hope that you can talk to your kids about treating their body more like a once in a lifetime car, and less like a Disneyland.

Next Installment: The Media Machine

Vanessa Van Petten, youthologist and teen author of the parenting book “You’re Grounded!,” manages RadicalParenting.com, a parenting blog written by 119 teen writers, ages 12-20 to help parents and adults get an honest and open view into the world and mind of youth. Van Petten’s work and blog have been featured in the Wall Street Journal, Teen Vogue, CNN, Fox News, Real Housewives of Orange County and much more!  She won the Moms Choice Award in 2009 and her work is read by over 300,000 adults.
http://www.RadicalParenting.com

Additional Articles by Vanessa and her crew:

The Laws of Teen Dating: Tween Inter-Sex life Here I go over some popular sexual terms and trends including sexting and what is inter-sex anyway?

Teen Trend: 7 Reasons Why It’s Cool to Pretend Be Bisexual Yes, this is the new wave.  Everyone is bisexual and a lot of teens are now pretending to be bisexual or gay because it is the ‘cool’ thing to do.

Teaching Teen Girls: 5 Signs A Guy Is Only Interested in Sex A parent’s guide to teach their daughters this very important dating lesson.

Teen Hook Up Culture: Teen Sex and Theme Parties Oh yes, teens having sex and Pimps and Hoes Parties when parents leave town or the second they get to college…some myths and truths.

5 Messy Teen Sex and Relationship Issues You NEED to Talk to Your Kids About There’s more to the “Sex Talk” than just the birds and the bees. What every parent must discuss with their teen.

The Sex Talk: 6 Things Parents Must Know Straight from the mouths of teens, what parents should consider before giving the sex talk.

Many of the teen articles are here: http://www.radicalparenting.com/category/sex/

Both sex and that eros type love discussed in Part 2 have very strong effects on the brain that can feel intoxicating in different ways. There are various ways that researchers can measure the concept of love and sex, but as one can imagine, with the lightning speed that things can happen when it comes to sex, recording and understanding that process can be a little more difficult.

The experience of sex begins long before we may end up in the throes of passion. When sexual desire is activated, the amygdala (where powerful emotions are evoked), hippocampus (where memories are managed) and areas that evoke body-awareness and understanding the motives of others are stimulated. Also stimulated are areas of the Limbic System, which is one of the most primal, emotional parts of our brain. At the same time there can also be stimulation of visual centers (more common in men), self-awareness centers and other areas of the brain that may be stimulated rapidly and then become inactive.

The neurochemical involved in this euphoric process is dopamine. Researchers have stated that the rush of dopamine that occurs at orgasm is similar to the same rush that occurs when people shoot Heroin. That’s a pretty powerful punch. So what keeps us from pursuing the next fix again and again? Well, after we have reached our physical nirvana, the body secretes a chemical called prolactin. This chemical helps us to turn off our desire for sex. The effects of prolactin can influence desire and behavior for days after sex, which can explain some of the “on and off switching” that people experience in sexual relationships.

The perception of being “in love” also effects the Limbic System and dopamine is also a key neurotransmitter. When someone experiences the more primal, lusty side of the eros attraction, all rationality goes out the window, due to the stimulation of the brain and the role that dopamine plays. To our brain this feels like a huge reward. So what that really means is that we will do anything for dopamine (but I won’t do that… Sorry for the Meatloaf reference).

So just what am I saying here? Well, without going into too much detail in this installment, I wanted to make the point that our life experiences are connected to neurochemistry and the influence of our neurochemistry on our behaviors. The experiences of love and sex are strongly influenced by chemical processes in the brain, and those influences are as strong as or stronger than many illegal drugs. The question is how much influence do we have with self-awareness and education over our chemistry? Many researchers would argue that this is the way we were designed and/or evolved? I believe that we have more influence than we would like to think. There is an interaction between our thoughts, emotions and intents and our neurochemistry. If this wasn’t the case, therapy wouldn’t work. So, if people are blaming their neurochemistry or the devil for their actions in the bedroom, I would ask them to think again.

As I have said before, we are highly evolved and have the ability to use our frontal lobe for reasoning and problem solving, while we are prone to make mistakes. Sometimes reasoning is a difficult undertaking, especially when we feel intoxicated by desire or love. But we have choices. Think about tomorrow when you are acting today, and always be willing to talk with someone you trust when seeking advice before you make a mistake that may last a lifetime.

If you are interested in reading more on this topic, I would encourage you to read works by Pat Love, Helen Fisher, Serge Stoleru, whose work was referenced in this installment.

Next installment… Vanessa’s Guest Post

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

How Do I Love Thee???

Let’s first look at our concept of love. We have one word that describes so many different emotional states, and this lack of attention to detail to this very important concept is a major problem in our culture, IMHO. There is a popular urban legend that says that Eskimos have more than one-hundred words for snow, and while the figure has been grossly exaggerated, the idea is that concepts that are important to a culture will have much more specificity than those that aren’t as important.

So, just how do we “love” things, let me count the ways… You can love your mom, your dad, your kids, your sister, your brother, your friend, your uncle, your aunt, your cousin, your teacher, your boss, your student, your country, your team, your school… You can also love a sunny day, an ice cream cone, the beach, skiing, baseball, football, as well as your pets. Some even say that they love sex.

The question is, even with this short list of things we may say that we love, do we love them the same way? I think not. Yet we use the same word to describe so many states of emotion. Do we have some words that describe different states of love? Yes, but our use of the word love is somewhat careless and leads to a lot of confusion that I firmly believe affects our relationships and attitudes toward intimacy and sex.

It has been said that Sanskrit had 96 words for love and ancient Persian had 80. Greek has three: Agape, Philos, and Eros. I will explain those, because it takes a takes a lot less time to convey the point, and we all know that blog are supposed to be brief . Agape is considered to be a more spiritual love. It is described in the Bible as to how God loves man, and I would describe it as our admiration and connection to people on their journey in life. Philos or philia is a brotherly type of love and overlaps into how parents love their children, how siblings love each other, friends love each other, and even how some people may love their pets. As you can see only three words is already getting a bit sticky. The third type of love is eros, which describes a romantic type of love. It involves the attraction between two people that is sexual and ranges from physical attraction to blind infatuation.

Well, what happens when we only have one word to describe so many states? It leads to emotional confusion and a great deal of discomfort. Let’s say that a girl loves a boy in a philos way, but the boy feels eros? They both love each other, but the boy is feel that he wants to take the relationship to the next level, while the girl is enjoying the closeness with the boy. She may then feel pressured by him to take the relationship where he wants to go or fear losing him and the love she feels from him. They both “love” each other don’t they? But does it mean the same thing, and are either of them ready for sex?

Age Is A Relative Term

What I try to teach people, as young as twelve years old through adulthood, is that in order for any intimate long-term relationship to survive, both people have to feel all three components as the relationship develops and grows. Too many times, people in our culture believe that feeling that eros attraction, which is often as strong as a mind-altering high, is enough to take a relationship to the next level. Eros will always wear off, because that is, in part, a neurophysiological experience (I will explain more about that later). The problem is that when the eros wears off, what are the two people left with? Too many times they are left with nothing, and the relationship dies. What happens when either person wakes up and one finds themselves pregnant or they find themselves married?

Developing a deep friendship (philos) and admiring the person (agape) that you are in a relationship are crucial to a successful relationship. It is easy to open ourselves up to our more primal urges and let emotion take over only to find ourselves in the walk of shame the next morning, but I feel that we were born with the ability to reason beyond our more primal self and learn to respect ourselves and those we relate to. We owe that to ourselves.

In my next installment, we will discuss “The Ultimate High…”

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

So what I want to talk about has to do with integrity and commitment, and if we look around we will see a lack of both in the world around us. The best way to understand what integrity truly is, is to look at building structures. When a building is built with integrity, every part of that building is in line with the other parts from the foundation on up to the spire on top the building. Integrity also extends to the ground that the building is built on. Furthermore, integrity does not only apply to how that structure is built from the top down, but is it strong from side to side? The reason for structural integrity is so that the structure can withstand what life throws at it.

We have all recently been tragically educated on what happens when buildings are not built in integrity from what we have seen on television from Haiti. The buildings were fine for what may happen in everyday experiences and even some hurricanes, but what happened when their foundation was shaken? They crumbled like a tower of children’s block with much greater consequences.

Commitment has to do with how we follow through on decisions, goals, plans and/or intentions when we decide to take them on. Similar to building a structure, if one doesn’t see their intention and commitment to a task through to the end of the construction process, that structure will lack integrity. Too many times people may have had the best intention to build a structure that would withstand the tests of time, and somewhere along the way, for whatever reason, they lost their commitment, and we have seen the consequences throughout history.

“So why all this talk about buildings and structures Dr. E…? I don’t build houses.” Well, if you haven’t figured it out, we are like a house, and we have to recognize that we have to look at ourselves from our foundation to our top floor and even the ground on which we were built.

In our culture, our families are challenged, more than half the marriages in the U.S. end in divorce, our education system is showing signs of age and wear, our financial system almost crumbled, our athletes are doing anything to win, and our political system is rife with conflict, betrayal and mistrust. We don’t have to look far to see the problems, but what are we doing to fix them and/or rebuild what is broken beyond repair? To repair our our culture, we first have to start with our “house”.

In life, it doesn’t serve us to just live and plan for the tomorrow that brings sunshine or showers. It is easy to show people what we want them or ourselves to see. What are we doing to live our lives through the earthquakes in life, when everything we hid underground is heaved up to the surface? Have we put the time, energy and commitment into looking at our own foundation in our personal, parental, marital, spiritual, political life???  Regardless of how we got here, we have to be willing to fix these problems, all the way down to our foundation. That will be through finding the integrity and commitment to live our lives to the fullest. So what can you do to do this?

1. Ask yourself, “Are my beliefs, attitudes, emotions, intentions and behaviors in line?”
2. What can you do to get them aligned? Do you need to set goals? Communicate better? Evaluate my commitments?
3. Evaluate your personal, parental, spiritual, community, and even political integrity. Are they in line or do they need to be rebuilt?
4. Get active in the change process, but know it will take time. There may be shortcuts, but they often don’t work.
5. Consider all of the people that are impacted by your integrity and commitment, but also make sure you make changes in your life for you.

I would ask each of you to look around your “house” and see what may be broken and in need of repair. What do you stand to lose if you don’t fix it?

Respectfully,

Dr. E…