In the wake of the Penn State scandal, many are in shock, asking themselves, how can an institution that is dedicated to the education and growth, mentoring tomorrows leaders, educators and parents, display such callous ignorance in disregard for human dignity and respect? Perhaps this is more of an issue based in flaws in our society?

So many times we look at others who commit crimes and engage in unethical and unprofessional behavior, and we exclude ourselves as if it were impossible for us to behave in such a manner. Many sit in judgment of others, and we hear them say, “If I were in that position…”, while others respond with rage and hatred that seeks vengeance and not truth. We would like to think that we would all make the best decision for all when life calls upon us, but for many it doesn’t happen that way. We have to understand that even the best intended people make very poor decisions at times. While their 95% of kind, giving, supportive behaviors should not excuse their poor decisions, it is incorrect to define them by their 5% or their 95%.

Situations happen everyday in life that we walk by. We don’t respond out of a feeling of fear, helplessness, not wanting to get involved, not being prepared, not caring, not wanting to lose friends or be seen as unpopular… Many may want to say that this is an issue about a university protecting itself, but whether it is a university, a corporation, a government, or a family where many heinous acts are brushed under the carpet, these groups are comprised of individuals, where each knowingly closed their eyes to a serious problem where people were severely harmed.

At this time, there are millions casting judgment on a coach, a few administrators, a university… and still a child’s innocence was taken away. Children and adults are abused everyday, and people turn a blind eye. How long are we going to keep doing this, and how long is it going to take to see that WE have a problem?

We have to recognize that this is an issue of being human. We are prone to mistakes, and some we wish were never made and many can never be undone, having lifelong consequences. We can say, “That’s life,” and move on to the next headline, or we can aspire to a higher standard.  A standard where we look out as much for our neighbor as ourselves, where we think about how an action is affecting another person or group rather than our bottom line, our profits, our team, our politics… We each have choices to make everyday. Are you going to open your eyes or keep them closed?

I would propose this. Rather than focusing your energy on the individuals named in this action, take some time to look at yourself and the world around you. Focus your energy, thoughts, and intentions on what you would do not just in a similar situation, but in any situation that required your assistance.

Do you stop when someone is broken down on the highway? Do you stop someone when you see them get in a car when you know they have been drinking? Do you comment to or seek assistance for an adult who may be verbally berating or physically abusing a child or spouse? Would you stop a teacher or coach from humiliating an athlete or student? Should we really define a threshold for a behavior that results in the pain, humiliation, and degradation of another individual?

We all have a choice here. We can use this event as a waypoint to set the intentions and actions of our own behaviors, or we can take the time to judge others, only to perpetuate the problem, which is about as wise as a Lion eating its own tail.

My final questions to you – How do you define a winner and how do you define hero?

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

www.drepresents.com

For As Long As the Sun Has Risen

Political conflicts have been happening for longer than humans could say “election”; however, in the past decade, it seems that our political parties decided that they were going to spend more time undermining each other than they were going to spend getting the job done that we pay them to do.  They have learned the art of the media machine and use that voice too often to spread misinformation and disinformation to evoke emotion and reactions in the voter base. When these actions lead to the death of others, as it did in Gabrielle Giffords, no responsibility is taken and fingers are pointed.

Many politicians “bank” on your blind allegiance to the “party line”, and they want you to fight their battles for them, especially on election days. Fear, mistrust, and manipulation are often the emotions that are played upon under this dubious shell game. And this has become very dangerous indeed, and we, as a country, stand the chance to negatively impact our lives and the lives of our children for years to come, because of their arrogance and selective ignorance. Trust has been compromised at the hand of greed and power grabbing. We all suffer when we can’t trust those who we elect, and according to most politicians, it is most other politicians who can’t be trusted.

One Term President??? How About Term-Limited Congressmen

This past week, John Boehner made a comment that “There was an elephant in the room” that no one was speaking about, and that was that Obama was going to have to focus on his re-election next year. True as the fact is, the most disturbing aspect of this comment was the look of arrogance that he displayed in making this comment. Furthermore, it seems through this and other events, that he, Mitch McConnell and their republican cronies are invested in destroying his re-election more than they want to work for the best interests of our country.  Don’t get me wrong, there are events of political manipulation that can be cited on each side of the aisle, this is merely recent and salient. It is clear that this game is about power, and it is at the expense of the American people.

What my biggest concern is that our political system has deteriorated to our focus on often electing the politician with the least amount of mud on them, rather than the best man for the job. It has been said that the best people for the job are too smart to put their hat in the ring, and many well-meaning individuals lose their moral compass on the road to Washington.

The Buck Stops Here

All of this has happened on our watch, and we are participating, blindly or actively. How do we fix this problem? I don’t know. The Tea Party was born out of good intentions, but even that has begun to be swallowed up by “the Game” that is played on Capitol Hill. After all, we know what the road to hell is paved with.

It is my hope that we resolve this issue of the debt ceiling before it is too late. What is already too late is that we have lost faith and trust in our political system, and it is lacking in honor, respect and integrity. If we are going to rise out of this, we have to set a higher bar in Washington than destroying our rivals and take personal responsibility for how those who represent us behave. As for integrity??? Structures that have no integrity crumble under pressure. What will also come tumbling down should our political system crumble, and what will be the ultimate cost?

I will leave you with this, Washington is not a school yard playground to settle scores and see whose got the biggest “feet”. The intentions of our forefathers were to create a center for our nation’s government with the ideal that intelligent, honorable, respectful men would meaningfully solve problems facing our Republic to benefit the greater good. We say we are the greatest country in the world… It is time to act like it.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com

Most people don’t realize that the need for control is based in fear. No matter how much power people feel that they have over others, there is always a fear that others may want what they have, and often we end up giving power to objects rather than to ourselves. What often hides this fear of losing control are arrogance and hatred, not confidence and pride. Additionally, the more they fear a loss of power, often the more extreme the methods to hold on to power through any number of techniques: terror, brainwashing, manipulation, threat, and creating conflicts between others who would be a threat if they allied their power together. An example of the division of power to misdirect conflict was giving different levels of power to the various South African tribes from the Zulus to the Hottentots. When they were brought closer together under a more unified front with Nelson Mandela (after he fought his own internal revolution), the Apartheid system of government could no longer stand, and a more democratic ideal that he worked toward was realized.

What Neslon Mandela and many others throughout history created in the mind of others was a revolution of thought and inspiration. When that “revolution of thought” became a threat to those who held positions of power, those rulers often sought to control the will and minds of others. Consider this: when people rule over others, they often want “those who serve them” to be as intelligent and motivated as they can be to promote the wants and needs of the ruler, but not so intelligent and motivated that they can undermine or overthrow them.

Power Hungry

As it has been said, power is an alluring aphrodisiac, and it is often the aphrodisiacal power over people that drives us to abuse it at the expense of others. It is when the loss of freedom, power and control of those feeling abused overwhelms the power of their own fear that revolutions are born. In other words, there is a shift in the balance of power of emotions within us from fear to anger/rage/inspiration. For those who remember the movie Network, “I am sick and tired of it, and I’m not going to take it anymore.”

A revolution occurs when those who feel exploited/abused and don’t have “status power” collectively pull together to take their power back and seek to overthrow those with the power “over them”. If we consider the roles that we play in our culture, revolutions occur when “Victims” collectively challenge their “perceived Persecutors” because there is no one to “rescue” them. What often happens is that their anger, rage and hatred that had been repressed for so long behind their fear and terror, results in those “victims” becoming “Justified Persecutors”. This means that the subsequent persecution of those who once ruled over them is sanctioned by the belief that they were exploited and/or abused, so they don’t have to feel guilt about their actions. They feel justified in their actions to cause pain to those who once ruled them. Consider many of the massacres that have occurred at the beginning of revolutions and the damage that unbridled rage and hatred have caused.

Just Who Is In Charge Here?

There are often circumstances when a few inspire the many to revolt, whether they are the Mandelas, Gandhis, Jeffersons and Washingtons, or the Stalins and Husseins of the world, that those who follow those revolutions are often beholden to the intelligence, ideals, motivations and moral values of the leaders of the revolution. Those involved in revolution want change, but if they are not leading the change, they may not see the outcome that those leaders of change intend. Furthermore, there are those who latch onto the process of change for good to hijack the change process for their own ends. The outcome was that the many who participated in this process of change to free themselves ended up being exploited once again. It is sometimes these fears that prevent change from happening. I think we all have heard the phrase, “The devil you know is often better than the devil you don’t.”

Emotion Commotion

What so many often don’t realize is that it is emotion that drives revolution and change, and it is ironically often the fear of pain that keeps things from changing. Fear, terror, pain, anger, rage, hatred, inspiration, passion, love, courage… these are some of the emotions that drive the process of change and the revolutions that evoke them. While fear and terror help us to realize that change is necessary; and anger, rage and hatred may motivate us to act, passion, love and courage need to be part of the fuel to see the change process through to an outcome that all can benefit from. Revolution just for the sake of change may not lead to better change. This is where wisdom, experience and truth are a premium.

People who allow themselves to be ruled over are often in a state of ignorance, which is why so many may be easily misled. Those who inspire revolution seek to play on the emotions of those that they wish to join them. Our emotions can serve us to promote the positive change we desire only as well as we are educated to see the change we desire and the details it takes to create and maintain the change. The process of “ousting the dictator” is just the beginning. Implementing and realizing the change is the journey.

Opportunity Knocks

As we see these revolutions taking place around the world, be mindful of these issues. Furthermore, don’t stop with the idea that revolution can only occur in a culture between people. For real change to occur, revolution has to occur within ourselves for our world to truly change. You can spray paint a hunk of iron with gold paint, and it will look golden, but when you change one electron in an atom, it changes the elemental structure of that atom.

Cultures often engender common belief systems and durable patterns that are resistant to change. Although we may see opportunity for positive change in our lives and cultures, as a psychologist, I see how difficult change can be. It takes hard work, diligence, focus, vision and trust in those guiding the change process. When people have felt oppressed and exploited for generations, trust is a commodity that is difficult to come by. That lack of trust can halt change like a truck hitting a brick wall, and it is fear that drives mistrust. In any change process we have to be mindful of our emotions and the emotions of others around us. We all influence each other, whether we want to realize it or not, and to promote change we have to support each other and respect each other. Growth may feel frightening, but need not be painful.  Again, the journey is as important as the destination.

It is my goal that we grow closer to truth. To do this, it is imperative that we face our fear and embrace our truth. Let love, wisdom and passion be the fuel that feeds to process of change, within ourselves, our community, our nation and our world.

Vive la Revolution

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com

What a truly inspiring week for the sum of humanity who witnessed the miraculous rescue of the Chilean miners. Whether one was involved personally or was riveted to the television, this event went a long way to redefining how we can all witness a news event as a positive outcome and challenge us to seek a more peaceful world. And my being an On-Air consultant to CNN Networks during their climb to earth was a once in a lifetime gift. Perhaps the most synchronous part was that the miners were reached on John Lennon’s birthday – “Imagine” that. As a psychologist, I am often looking at metaphors that life evokes, and the circumstance of these miners, rescued after being trapped below the earth, provides such an apropos metaphor for the world to learn from.

So many times in the history of mankind, we, as a collective, have created the circumstances that contributed to our traumas, and those who were supposed to protect us either caused the trauma or did not do what could have been done to prevent it. As a result, we feel betrayed, neglected, unloved, and our trust is shattered like a stone through a window pane. Through our experiences in this world, we are taught to hide our traumas and pains deep inside ourselves.

So many of us have so many wounds and pains that we feel helpless to know what to do with, and we believe that the deeper we bury them, the better off we should be. Sooner or later there comes a time in our life when something so egregious happens that we can’t just turn our backs to it. We have to act, there is too much to lose if we don’t, but we often don’t have the resources to find our lost selves and heal them. We require the help of others. But how helpless it can feel when we are trapped by our own negligence and denial.

So we work to dig and drill down to the depths of our soul traversing the various strata of our defenses, addictions, attitudes and beliefs of indifference, anger and mistrust, the efforts slowed by almost impenetrable doubt and fear, and still we press on, learning that failure is the process of learning on the journey. Quitting, not an option, we continue, refining our technique with proper guidance, until we reach them.

Still alive, we give them enough to sustain them until we can bring them to the surface, one by one, and the efforts begin again.

Trapped for so long in indescribable conditions, banished to the recesses of our unconscious, we understand that to feel our wholeness and resolve our shame we must bring them back into the light. As we widen the reach of our efforts, we are able to free our pain from our self-imposed tombs, and we bring our traumas to our light, and as each is exposed, worn, sickly, and wary of the light, they require time to regain their strength. Share they must their traumas and pains, no more to be buried and forgotten. Learn, we will from them They ultimately grow in strength from the light. Stronger they are to stand with us, changed forever, by facing our truth we realize that our shame was not suffered through the trauma, but was the result of our own disrespect of our self and our soul.

Through this we learn, as failure will teach, that the love and respect of ourselves and others leads us to understand that there is no price that can be put on our soul, nor one else’s.

But when the miner’s were rescued, their president spoke to the world of the “33” being strong and better for their experience, denying their own negligence and accountability. And the miners’ pain and their potential pain to come, should they bury their experience behind their shield of strength, indifference, and financial reward to come, as so many have before them, would only be borne by them as others would have moved on long ago. Shall this all be forgotten when we turn the channel?  I hope not.

I dedicate this not only to the indeterminable strength of the “33” miners, but to the indeterminable strength of the human spirit that lives in all of us.

Bless you all in your journey to healing, and God bless us all in our journey to truth.

Dr. E…

So what I want to talk about has to do with integrity and commitment, and if we look around we will see a lack of both in the world around us. The best way to understand what integrity truly is, is to look at building structures. When a building is built with integrity, every part of that building is in line with the other parts from the foundation on up to the spire on top the building. Integrity also extends to the ground that the building is built on. Furthermore, integrity does not only apply to how that structure is built from the top down, but is it strong from side to side? The reason for structural integrity is so that the structure can withstand what life throws at it.

We have all recently been tragically educated on what happens when buildings are not built in integrity from what we have seen on television from Haiti. The buildings were fine for what may happen in everyday experiences and even some hurricanes, but what happened when their foundation was shaken? They crumbled like a tower of children’s block with much greater consequences.

Commitment has to do with how we follow through on decisions, goals, plans and/or intentions when we decide to take them on. Similar to building a structure, if one doesn’t see their intention and commitment to a task through to the end of the construction process, that structure will lack integrity. Too many times people may have had the best intention to build a structure that would withstand the tests of time, and somewhere along the way, for whatever reason, they lost their commitment, and we have seen the consequences throughout history.

“So why all this talk about buildings and structures Dr. E…? I don’t build houses.” Well, if you haven’t figured it out, we are like a house, and we have to recognize that we have to look at ourselves from our foundation to our top floor and even the ground on which we were built.

In our culture, our families are challenged, more than half the marriages in the U.S. end in divorce, our education system is showing signs of age and wear, our financial system almost crumbled, our athletes are doing anything to win, and our political system is rife with conflict, betrayal and mistrust. We don’t have to look far to see the problems, but what are we doing to fix them and/or rebuild what is broken beyond repair? To repair our our culture, we first have to start with our “house”.

In life, it doesn’t serve us to just live and plan for the tomorrow that brings sunshine or showers. It is easy to show people what we want them or ourselves to see. What are we doing to live our lives through the earthquakes in life, when everything we hid underground is heaved up to the surface? Have we put the time, energy and commitment into looking at our own foundation in our personal, parental, marital, spiritual, political life???  Regardless of how we got here, we have to be willing to fix these problems, all the way down to our foundation. That will be through finding the integrity and commitment to live our lives to the fullest. So what can you do to do this?

1. Ask yourself, “Are my beliefs, attitudes, emotions, intentions and behaviors in line?”
2. What can you do to get them aligned? Do you need to set goals? Communicate better? Evaluate my commitments?
3. Evaluate your personal, parental, spiritual, community, and even political integrity. Are they in line or do they need to be rebuilt?
4. Get active in the change process, but know it will take time. There may be shortcuts, but they often don’t work.
5. Consider all of the people that are impacted by your integrity and commitment, but also make sure you make changes in your life for you.

I would ask each of you to look around your “house” and see what may be broken and in need of repair. What do you stand to lose if you don’t fix it?

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

To understand our reactions to bullies, as kids or adults, we have to go back in time. We may not want to realize it, but as I stated in the last installment, we often feel like kids when we feel bullied. Bullies also often isolate and divide to conquer. When you think about your past, how many times did you feel singled out by a bully? Even if you were part of the crowd, the bully would often point out flaws in different people, and too many times we just felt happy when it wasn’t aimed at us. Did we want to say anything that could possibly bring their site to be aimed at us? No.

So, just what can we do to support ourselves and not leave others out to dry?

Step 1: Don’t pick a fight back with bullies. They can become unpredictable, and the more they feel that they may be losing a conflict, the more erratic they may become. There are also those circumstances that bullies shy away from a confrontation, but then that can deteriorate to the victim becoming the bully and kicking the bully when they are down. Bullies don’t often need to be “taught a lesson”; they often became bullies because they were treated harshly in the past. Even if they have lived a life of entitlement, running roughshod over others, it is important to model the behaviors you would appreciate in return.

Step 2: Become clear on what you are really feeling: fear, shame, guilt, embarrassment, humiliation, failure… whatever the emotions are, you want to be clear on what is going on within you before you try to address the issue. If you need to write these out to become clear about it, it is a valuable exercise. Ask yourself, “What age(s) do I feel?” and really spend some time on this. Help yourself to see that you are stuck in other situations, and it is these parts of you that are reacting to the present situation, often not the “you” that is in the present. When we understand that our emotions are often stuck in past issues, we can make more knowledgeable choices on how to behave in the present.

Step 3: If you have time, script out what you might want to say and/or role play with someone. Make sure the person that is role playing the bully is willing to play “the bully” to push your reactions so you can discuss it and practice it. If you don’t have time to script it or are caught in a bullying situation, use these guidelines: 1. stay calm and don’t allow yourself to be baited into the conflict. Remember, no one can take away your power unless you give it. 2. Stay focused on your and their behaviors. 3. Point out solutions for everyone’s behaviors that can lead to a positive outcome for all. 4. Be willing to walk away and offer the opportunity to revisit it later if they do not calm down, and/or be willing to ask them to leave if they cannot behave respectfully. 5. Set and discuss ground rules for future interactions and remain firm in following those guidelines.

Step 4: See this as an opportunity to help yourself and possibly someone else. I see these situations as opportunities, not obstacles. We all have chances for change. As I said in my last post, what troubled me more was not the actions of “the bully”, it was the actions of those, including myself, who allowed it to go on. We can learn from these situations, and if we don’t allow this behavior to occur, bullies will have no choice but to change their actions.

Step 5:  Don’t come to the rescue of someone else who is “being bullied” merely to come their rescue. You may not know all of the details. Furthermore, your response is often more about you than it is them, and if you are not there to follow up to see what happens after you leave, it can often lead to the bully taking their frustrations out on this person when you are not around. We have to learn to teach “victims” to stand up for themselves and support them in the process.

I hope these give you some guidelines to consider as you venture out into the world. In my next post, I will provide an example of how the situation in my first post could have handled.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

The reputation of this manager is that he bullies, intimidates, shames and humiliates others to get his way. He also has been known to manipulate facts and information to his benefit. At this meeting, he began by commanding, “This is my meeting,” when it was truly not his meeting, it is the meeting of the owner/members. Here began the onslaught of bullying, manipulation, probable lying, and self-serving obtuseness in a five hour rant that promoted his arrogance and ignorance. There were some that spoke up, but almost as quickly as they spoke up, they became silent again, almost fearful of retaliation, if not from him, then from others supporting him.

So you may be thinking that Dr. E… has a beef with this guy… Yes I do, but I have a bigger beef with how people responded to him, including myself. That is what I want to address. Here is my concern. In the world we live in, we are crying for change. We live in a world where there are egregious abuses of power from our families to our schools, to our government, to our board rooms. But when it comes down to it, too many times we don’t step up when we have the chance.

Bullies Everywhere

Bullying is a problem that is gripping not just our children but all of us as a collective society. What I saw at this meeting was a bully, and I saw people from many walks of life taking it and some also feeding it. Mind you, these are successful people, lawyers, doctors, business owners, mothers, fathers…and no one stood up to say, “Enough”. People knew that what he was saying was not true, but they did not challenge him. What’s worse is that after this manager bullied his way through the meeting, he then called for the vote to re-elect himself as manager, and people let it happen and then re-elected him as manager. Even when I went to the board to ask them to stop the vote, they did not. After all, this was not his meeting. It was the meeting of the condominium association.

Why did no one speak up, and why does this happen time and again? I believe it is fear. Fear of being wrong, fear of being attacked, fear that we may lose something, fear of what others may think of us, fear of the consequences if the bully “wins”. Even at the core of every bully is fear, which is why they behave as they do. Fear does have a positive side, in that its job is to protect us from harm, but in many circumstances it is out of balance. What do we all stand to lose when we let the bully “win”? Everything!

From Victim to Victor

I believe that this action of not confronting only reinforces this behavior in all of us. In the bully it reinforces the idea that he/she can continue to act as he/she does. In his “victims” it reinforces the belief that they are powerless. The truth is that no one can take our power away unless we give it to them. I believe that we can be victimized by others, but I believe even more that we often remain victims by choice. This is just one example of what goes on around us everyday and it has been happening for millennia, which is why people feel so helpless to change it. I believe that there is a further potential for us to seek a higher standard and more empowered outcome.

People often want to excuse bullying behavior when the “bully” is good at what they do in their skill set. To me, it is not a matter of how good a job a person does when they are not in integrity and they do not treat others with respect. There is no excuse for this behavior, and we, as individuals and a society should not have to endure the entitlement of others, that’s what got us into this mess.

No matter how old we get, we still feel like little kids inside. Well, so do the bullies. The bully’s behavior is no more than a temper tantrum to gain control of others. People bully others because they have something to hide: insecurity, inadequacy, lies, fears, failures… and too many times we do not see through them. When we don’t challenge these issues, we are lead like lambs to the slaughter. Is that the bully’s fault? No. We choose not to see and/or we choose not to act. I chose not to act more assertively that day, and I wish to not make that choice again. What will you choose?

Stay tuned for Part 2: The Lambs Are Silent No More

Respectfully…

Dr. E…