Some people may see this situation as innocent enough and may not have a problem with it, other than thinking that this kid needs to toughen up a bit. I will give you another true story. A teacher comes into a classroom and asks for one of the students to come with them to their classroom. The teacher takes the student to the classroom and pulls the kid’s arm behind their back and threatens to break the kid’s arm if the kid touches another one of her students again. The problem was that this kid never did anything to anyone. A child in her class made the story up to spite “the kid”, and the teacher did not do her “homework” to check facts.

Is one of these events worse than the others? It is a relative question, but I would say the definition of worse, in some ways, depends on the ultimate outcome. Worse is not the issue IMHO, however. The issue is about the ability for students to feel safe in a learning environment. Both kids had a history of being teased, bullied and humiliated. In both situations, their parents weren’t really sure how to handle the situation. In both situations the child felt helpless to do or say anything for fear of reprisal by peers and the teacher. Both situations have the ability to permanently affect the lives of others, not just these two children, but also the students who observed these events.

Lesons Learned

It has been shown that humans and animals not only learn by doing, they learn through observation. Many of us only need to see someone touch a hot stove to know that we don’t want to do that ourselves. Taken further, many students observe the behaviors of teachers in the classroom toward other students and learn that they don’t want to experience the humiliating consequences of their teachers’ actions. It shuts them down, decreases the chance of them taking risks, and they don’t learn, because they are too focused on fear.

We often wonder why our education system is failing our children. We wonder why kids drop out of school. We wonder why bullying seemingly continues unchecked and drug and alcohol issues occur in the schoolyard – why there is school violence. Events like these are part of the problem. Teachers are human beings and are prone to the lacks and failings of the human condition; however, they chose to be teachers. I hold parents to the same standards. Teachers have to hold themselves accountable for everything they teach their students, not just what is in the books.

It behooves us, as teachers to our children and to the children of evolving generations, to realize what we are teaching them. Both of these teachers behaved like bullies. In both situations, neither may see it. For the first teacher, she was just teaching her class and had an appropriate example to use as an illustration. For the second situation, she was only trying to protect her students and at first was the rescuer, then became the victim as the truth was revealed. Between the rescuer and the victim is the persecutor, aka, the bully, and when we are supposed to be in positions to help or rescue others, we often don’t see how we may be seen as a bully.

They Had It Comin’

Some may ask, what did these two kids in my examples do beforehand? There has to be something they did to bring this on… I say that it doesn’t matter what they did. As a teacher, it is up to us to take responsibility to understand why people behave as they do and to keep our issues in check as much as we can.  Stop using the excuses, “It was good enough for me.”, or “They had it comin’.”, and know that there is a further potential. Know that our kids deserve better, and we do too. It takes courage to change and to admit responsibility. Maybe some teachers, including ourselves, need to go back to school to become students of the human soul.

I remember when “they” was a wide-eyed young child who enjoyed life, loved to learn and laugh, and now “they” is evolving into someone who feels afraid to smile and quits before they can fail. I sent a letter to the teacher and her supervisors, and I asked her to say the following to the entire class. “Yesterday I made a mistake. In my attempts to use humor to teach you all, I used a student’s behavior to exemplify a vocabulary word that could have felt demeaning to that student. That was not fair to that student or to you. In an environment that should create a sense of empowerment and learning, I recognize that this did not, and I apologize to you all for that.” Did she follow through with the suggestion? Not yet, but at least one student felt wounded. And while there are many wonderful teachers out there, countless students continue to be harmed everyday by those we entrust with their education. What did the school do in both situations? Nothing to take responsibility for either situation. What are we teaching our kids about trust, truth, safety and life?

Resepectfully,

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com

There were many great discussions on the show, and I felt inspired by a mother, whose son was tragically killed by bullies, who took the energy of her grief and turned it into developing a program aimed at education. Both her courage and her insight are a testament to what we can do when faced with challenges in life. To stay silent, would have missed an opportunity to share her pain and wisdom with others who could be helped.

I have written quite a bit on the subject of bullying, and believe that I see the answers to change this epidemic. Part of that solution is parenting with wisdom and patience, not parenting with control and fear. The most troubling aspect of the bullying epidemic is that those who are in a position to effect changes may be blind to their contribution to the issues. Yes, that means you Mom and Dad.

On this panel was another psychologist, with all due respect to him, who near the end of the discussion stated that he was “old school” and believed in the idea of “spare the rod and spoil the child”. This phrase has been uttered numerous times to me over the years, especially from parents in my work who feel frustrated by their kids’ disrespectful behavior. However, depending on where the emphasis is placed, this can have two totally different meanings – either spare the rod and you will end up with a spoiled child, or don’t spank your child, but love them unconditionally instead, i.e., spoil them with love instead. When there is ambiguity to things that are stated, much can become of interpretation.

Spare Me…

Many people attribute the phrase “spare the rod and spoil the child” to the Bible, but in my research, this is not a quote from the Bible. There are discussions of what was referred to in the Old Testament in Proverbs about child discipline (Prov 13:24: “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes (diligently).”), however, historically, it is believed that Solomon compiled the book of Proverbs from stories and verses of teachers and “wise men” in his day. Furthermore, many of the comments in Proverbs supported his views of punishment. In fact when his son, Rehoboam, whom Solomon punished in a similar manner to what is in Proverbs, grew up and ruled over his kingdom, he had little regard for others welfare and was almost overthrown due to his brutality, as many of today’s dictators are finding.

After the show ended, I did not want to let his comment go and continued the discussion off the air with the panel. I stated that what his comment allowed was for some parents to interpret the comment that it is okay for them to beat their kids. When we furthered this discussion, he stated that it is not what he meant, but I commented that is what he said. I further commented that he knows how this phrase is interpreted by many and without further explanation by him, he could not manage how others interpreted his comment. He then stated that the “rod of discipline” is what he intended. I said again, “That is not what you said.” When asked further about the “rod of discipline”, he could not fully explain what he meant (granted, time was short).

Discipline This…

So let’s discuss the word discipline. Many people equate the word discipline with punishment. The root of the word “discipline” is disciple. The word disciple means to teach. Teaching comes with boundaries, limits and goals, and as a teacher, I know that people do not learn very well in a state of fear. They may learn to avoid, but they do not learn concepts as well as they do when they feel involved and empowered. Here is another point to consider, how many times did it take for you to try to tie your shoes before you could tie them with your eyes closed? – Probably about 100 times and likely more. As humans, we are meant to learn over time and repetition is important. Consider the disciples, they had the benefit of travelling around with Christ from town to town and hearing his message over and over, learning through repetition. Do you think that Jesus grilled the disciples and spanked them if they could not recite what he was teaching? They did not just hear his message once, and still they each had their own interpretation.  Some would comment that Jesus was not a parent, “He didn’t raise my kid.” I would say, he is a parent, and in all that he taught, how did he do it? Didn’t he lead by example?

Allow your children to learn by absorbing knowledge through experience and repetition. It is true that some lessons (not playing near the street, not taking drugs or getting into household chemicals…) are survival-based and need to be learned quickly. For those lessons, prepare them for them and discuss risks in advance, while doing what you can to prevent them from being exposed to these situations too early in life.

Old School vs. the New School

Here is something that I take into consideration. Proverbs is Old Testament. Historically, what did Jesus teach, and why is it said that he came? –  to correct the misunderstandings of those who had mis-taught “God’s word”? “For the Son of Man has come to save that which was lost” Mat 18:11. I think I can sum up how New Testament parenting would look: “Do unto others what you would have them do to you” Mat 7-12. This IS a quote from the Bible, and this message, in various forms, transcends many religions and teachings. As a psychologist, this single phrase sums up healthy human interactions. As Bill and Ted said in their “Excellent Adventure”, “Be excellent to each other.”

It is important to look at our emotions that influence our parenting and often fear and then anger become the most prevalent emotions experienced in times of distress. We often resort back to our own experiences and also believe that quick consequences that evoke pain should result in lasting change. Too many times in life, we want to call on what we learned that seems convenient to us, rather than what is in our and others highest good.

There are plenty of quotes from the Old Testament in the Bible that one can call on to support physically abusive consequences for their children’s behavior and that of a punishing God. I just don’t believe that physical punishment was taught in the New Testament, neither was being a totally permissive parent with no boundaries. Of course physical punishment is a relative term in the mind of many, but in my years as a parent of a very strong-willed child, I can say that I have never used spanking or yelling as a consequence. I have used restraint to manage her outbursts, time-outs, a stern voice to get her attention, counting techniques, removal of privileges, restriction and other techniques, discussion of her behaviors, but the most important tools that my wife and I use are consistency and follow-through.

Don’t you think that parents could be seen by their child as their first bully? Think about it. It will take time to change a generation, but the first step may be to change within your self.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

www.drepresents.com

Same “Stuff” Different Day

Well, just when you thought it was safe to go back out on the soccer field, there are other situations of violence between female athletes presenting themselves. I have addressed issues of youth sports in a previous article http://thefatherlife.com/mag/author/efisher/ , but the event I will discuss hits a little close to home, no pun intended. I provide the details to demonstrate the continuous and almost premeditated nature of the violence in youth sports, and girls are no longer immune. This is not just a response in the heat of battle.

My niece plays on a traveling soccer team for high school girls in the San Antonio area. During her game in San Antonio this past weekend, members of the other team became aggressive, and on various occasions, girls from the other team physically assaulted players from my niece’s team. In one situation the player straddled a girl, with her face down, pounded her in the back repeatedly and then pulled her by the pony tail and forcibly and repeatedly slammed her face into the ground. In another situation, another player put one of my niece’s teammates in a headlock and repeatedly punched her in the face. As this continued, other players from my niece’s team came to the aid of their teammate, and a parent from the other team assaulted one of my niece’s teammates. After the Police were called, and the assaulting parent was seen leaving in their car, the referee yelled at the father who called the Police and then told the other team to leave quietly before the Police arrived. After the game was prematurely ended, one of the players from the other team was then heard saying, in a laughing tone, that the referee lost control of the game. During all of these incidents, the coach of the team never did anything to correct the actions of his own players.

The aftermath of this game was that because the game was called before its conclusion, the league awarded the victory and the tournament opportunity to the other team because they were winning at the time that the game was stopped. It is my understanding that only since the parents of my niece’s team contacted the league en masse, the league is now revisiting the situation. While this was caught on video and put on YouTube, thankfully, it was removed. There are so many things that went wrong here. The fact that it happened continues to be a wake up call to all of us. WE ARE OUT OF CONTROL, and our kids are part of the symptom, not the problem!

Where Do I Start?

There are so many issues to address, and I would welcome you to review my previous blog posts that have addressed many pertinent issues http://blogs.parentsociety.com/doctore/category/cultural-issues/ http://blogs.parentsociety.com/doctore/category/cultural-issues/page/2/ http://blogs.parentsociety.com/doctore/category/cultural-issues/page/3/ . Regardless, we have exposed our kids to the media on television, magazines, the internet, and they grow up in a culture that teaches the value of power over others rather than power with others. Many kids believe that it is better to look strong than it is to look good or right. I believe that this is the result of a deterioration in our emotional attachments between parents and children, which has led to the epidemic of arrogance and narcissism.

We have taught that the goal of games and grades is to win at any cost, whether we want to admit it or not. When or if people get caught breaking the rules, they often play the victim role, and there seldom is accountability. Cheating becomes a way of life that can be denied and manipulated to create doubt in the mind of others, and once again, they are off the hook. This has occurred under our watch, but the seeds were sown long before we were kids.

Furthermore, the sensationalistic, media-driven, extreme nature of our culture promotes the idea that we will get more attention if we behave in more extreme ways, and because of this we, and many of our kids, have become desensitized to violence and aggression and other behaviors that lack integrity and self-respect. Just consider how much media attention the New Mexico/BYU college soccer incident received on TV. Does the attention our society gives these acts of aggression make it seem okay to behave this way? Do you still think much of reality TV is a good idea? I also have not even begun to address the issue of bullying here, but covered the general issue and issue of girls and bullying in previous blogs. http://blogs.parentsociety.com/doctore/category/bullying/

Paying the Price

A huge issue to address is that when these aggressive behaviors occur and there is not an immediate and significant consequence, it encourages the same or even more extreme behavior in the future. According to the details presented from my niece, there were no league consequences for the individual or the team. In fact, they were rewarded with advancing to the tournament. Am I saying that there was no provocation by players on my niece’s team? No. It is possible that they may have been better at hiding their behaviors. As an example, if you have seen the videos of the New Mexico/BYU incident, you will notice that the New Mexico player was elbowed in the chest and even grabbed in her shorts before she retaliated on both situations.

It is still not known what all of the behaviors and actions of all the players in the New Mexico/BYU situation were, but we all have to be careful how we determine who the victims, persecutors, and rescuers are. Many times a “good victim” is able to instigate a response out of someone so that they can play the victim and blame the persecutor and either justify retaliation or look to be rescued. This contributes to our environment of mistrust, while it leads others to rush to judgment. Isn’t it often the person who retaliates to what was done to them who gets flagged? But where did it start?

We always have to remember that inside every bully is a wounded victim. Often the acts that “bullies” play out were done to them, and they are just trying to take the power from others that they feel was taken from them. No matter who started the conflict, all involved have responsibility and should be encouraged to take responsibility for what is theirs. Encouraging everyone to see their part empowers the perceived victim.

It’s All in Our Head

What we all need to recognize is that many of these issues that I have discussed are planted in the conscious and subconscious of all of our minds, and they are expressed in all of us, often when we least expect it. To think that our deepest, darkest beliefs and attitudes are not expressed, and/or that they do not exist, is an idea held in ignorance.

My concern is that we watch events on the news and the internet like people stare at car accidents, and so do our kids. We almost feel it is our right to watch these events on the news and the internet, and some feel deprived when they are edited for our own good. I do feel that putting these events on the news is for the ratings and to satisfy our morbid curiosities. Our viral video culture seems to have become a modern day freak show that so many want to become a part of, including our kids. Where has our dignity, self-respect, other-respect and integrity gone, and what have we taught our children? Please realize that I am not blaming any one facet of society or any group, especially parents, but I am holding you responsible for contributing to change. Each factor contributes to this perfect storm of aggression, and we have the power to do something to stop it.

We can say that the nature of sport is aggressive, and there are casualties along the way. There is no excuse for the aggression that is emerging. What I do know is that sport imitates life. What are we then saying about what we are teaching our kids and what they are learning along the way if this is how they are behaving? What tools do we want to give them to then hand down to their children?

Please…Wake up before it is too late.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…