In today’s cyber society, it seems as though we do everything online.  We have the internet available to us at home, school, work, and even on the go.  That being said, our teens are probably even more connected than we are…and since there are dangers lurking around every “.com” and any “.net” can snare even the experienced web browser, it is crucial that we safeguard our kids and teach them how to make smart and safe choices when using the internet to avoid falling victim to online predators.

Talk with your teens.  Keep the communication open with your children so that they feel comfortable talking with you about what’s going on in their lives.  This way if they have any questions or concerns they won’t be afraid to bring them up.  As a parent, you need to stay up to date on current issues and risks so that you can be a resource for your children, knowing what they are experiencing on and off the internet.  Discuss how you can help them make safe choices and then review the proper precautions they need to take to steer clear of the danger that comes with meeting strangers online.

How to safeguard your teens.  Teens are connected through the internet and using a variety of different online services, each having some safety concerns that you should address.  You can’t always be with them, or monitor their every move, but here are some ways in which you can help to protect them against online predators:

• Know who is connecting with your teens online and set rules for social networking, instant messaging, emailing, online gaming and use of webcams.
• Surf the web with your kids so that they can show you what their online interests are.
• Use email filters on your computer.
• Keep the dialogue open for discussion.

What to look for.  If being victimized by an internet stranger, your teen might not approach you right away about it.  If you notice some questionable behavior displayed by your child, there is a possibility that they are being exploited by a predator online.  Watch out for the following and decide if you need to take action and intervene:

• Your teen is spending excessive amounts of time on the internet.
• They become upset or angry when they cannot access the web.
• Your teen is withdrawing from family, friends, hobbies and activities they once used to enjoy.
• When you enter the room, your teen turns off the computer or minimizes the page.
• You find inappropriate images or websites on your computer’s history.
• Strange numbers appear on your telephone bill.
• Your teen is receiving random gifts in the mail from someone you’ve never heard of before.

Tips for your teens.  In your conversations about safety on the web, be sure to cover these tips with your teens so they know how to protect themselves from a potentially hazardous encounter with an online stranger.

• Do not disclose any personal information online.  Make sure you never display or exchange identifying details with any stranger on the web, or on your online profile for that matter.  This includes last names, phone numbers, addresses, personal emails, passwords, financial information, or anything else you wouldn’t want someone you don’t know to have. 
• Do not meet up with strangers.  If you meet someone online, it is never a good idea to meet up with that person.  Don’t tell anyone your schedule, where you will be hanging out, etc.  As much as you think you may know someone through some seemingly innocent exchanges online, people are often not who they say they are. 
• Do not fill out any questionnaires that are emailed to you.  Even if you receive these from your friends, know that these get forwarded to many people.  All of the personal things that you fill out could get forwarded to a stranger, who could use them for harmful purposes.
• Use caution when posting pictures.  Putting pictures up online can be a fun way to interact and share with your friends.  As fun as it may be, however, it is best to exercise good judgment when doing this.  Make sure the photos you post of yourself are appropriate and not revealing.  Inappropriate pictures of yourself can be misleading and often have the ability to generate unwanted attention from someone with bad intentions. 
• Tell an adult if something is wrong.  If you feel uncomfortable, frightened, or like you are being targeted by an online predator, cease all contact with that person and immediately confide in an adult you trust who can help you.

This guest post is brought to us by Amy Reynolds, an author of articles surrounding topics of online safety and dating for Best Adult Dating Sites.

Some people may see this situation as innocent enough and may not have a problem with it, other than thinking that this kid needs to toughen up a bit. I will give you another true story. A teacher comes into a classroom and asks for one of the students to come with them to their classroom. The teacher takes the student to the classroom and pulls the kid’s arm behind their back and threatens to break the kid’s arm if the kid touches another one of her students again. The problem was that this kid never did anything to anyone. A child in her class made the story up to spite “the kid”, and the teacher did not do her “homework” to check facts.

Is one of these events worse than the others? It is a relative question, but I would say the definition of worse, in some ways, depends on the ultimate outcome. Worse is not the issue IMHO, however. The issue is about the ability for students to feel safe in a learning environment. Both kids had a history of being teased, bullied and humiliated. In both situations, their parents weren’t really sure how to handle the situation. In both situations the child felt helpless to do or say anything for fear of reprisal by peers and the teacher. Both situations have the ability to permanently affect the lives of others, not just these two children, but also the students who observed these events.

Lesons Learned

It has been shown that humans and animals not only learn by doing, they learn through observation. Many of us only need to see someone touch a hot stove to know that we don’t want to do that ourselves. Taken further, many students observe the behaviors of teachers in the classroom toward other students and learn that they don’t want to experience the humiliating consequences of their teachers’ actions. It shuts them down, decreases the chance of them taking risks, and they don’t learn, because they are too focused on fear.

We often wonder why our education system is failing our children. We wonder why kids drop out of school. We wonder why bullying seemingly continues unchecked and drug and alcohol issues occur in the schoolyard – why there is school violence. Events like these are part of the problem. Teachers are human beings and are prone to the lacks and failings of the human condition; however, they chose to be teachers. I hold parents to the same standards. Teachers have to hold themselves accountable for everything they teach their students, not just what is in the books.

It behooves us, as teachers to our children and to the children of evolving generations, to realize what we are teaching them. Both of these teachers behaved like bullies. In both situations, neither may see it. For the first teacher, she was just teaching her class and had an appropriate example to use as an illustration. For the second situation, she was only trying to protect her students and at first was the rescuer, then became the victim as the truth was revealed. Between the rescuer and the victim is the persecutor, aka, the bully, and when we are supposed to be in positions to help or rescue others, we often don’t see how we may be seen as a bully.

They Had It Comin’

Some may ask, what did these two kids in my examples do beforehand? There has to be something they did to bring this on… I say that it doesn’t matter what they did. As a teacher, it is up to us to take responsibility to understand why people behave as they do and to keep our issues in check as much as we can.  Stop using the excuses, “It was good enough for me.”, or “They had it comin’.”, and know that there is a further potential. Know that our kids deserve better, and we do too. It takes courage to change and to admit responsibility. Maybe some teachers, including ourselves, need to go back to school to become students of the human soul.

I remember when “they” was a wide-eyed young child who enjoyed life, loved to learn and laugh, and now “they” is evolving into someone who feels afraid to smile and quits before they can fail. I sent a letter to the teacher and her supervisors, and I asked her to say the following to the entire class. “Yesterday I made a mistake. In my attempts to use humor to teach you all, I used a student’s behavior to exemplify a vocabulary word that could have felt demeaning to that student. That was not fair to that student or to you. In an environment that should create a sense of empowerment and learning, I recognize that this did not, and I apologize to you all for that.” Did she follow through with the suggestion? Not yet, but at least one student felt wounded. And while there are many wonderful teachers out there, countless students continue to be harmed everyday by those we entrust with their education. What did the school do in both situations? Nothing to take responsibility for either situation. What are we teaching our kids about trust, truth, safety and life?

Resepectfully,

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com

Have you ever noticed how Elmo always looks a little better in print — a little thinner, a little more buff and cut in the chest and abs??? It’s the digital airbrush.  Well, not really, but almost every picture you may see in print has been manipulated in some form, and the images that your kids see influence the way they see themselves.

Issues with body image, that are precursors to Eating Disorders, develop earlier than you think. In my dissertation 20 years ago, I looked at how kids from 6^th grade through college were comparing various body sites, and found that in both boys and girls there were already very defined ways that they were comparing their bodies, even in 6^th grade. I firmly believe that body image awareness begins in the preschool years, and the ability for it to morph into problematic issues from anxiety, depression, low self-esteem and other related issues is significant.

Catch the Wave

Your kids are inundated with images everyday, and the degree to which these images are valid representations of the human form will subtly and obviously affect how they view the world and themselves as they grow up. Some of you may feel that banning ads such as those in Britain is absolutely overblown and a violation of rights. While this was seen as a truth in advertising issue, it is a psychological health issue as well. To many kids and adults, they may not think twice about these ads. To others, they may bring up intense feelings of inadequacy and self-hatred. The fact that we accept these images as acceptable is a sign of our numbness to the alternate realities that are created by the media and advertising.

I remember when doing my graduate research that I felt that surely in 20 years, our society would grow beyond this obsession with our bodies and appearance. I was teaching about airbrushing, and the degree of eating disorders in the modeling industry, and I taught about the excessive pursuit of the male stereotype in body builders. I had believed that we would educate our kids and ourselves about how to feel better from the inside out, but instead, the problems have become worse, in some ways, and not only do young women have to look fit and thin, but even older women are still focused on the same pursuit of physical perfection at the cost of their self-esteem. Just look at the rate of plastic surgeries on everything from facelifts to calf implants, and the age range on these procedures is widening.

Jump on the Bandwagon Guys

Men and boys are not immune to these issues. Their physique is just focused more on muscular aspects. Realize how the images that they see sell a muscular body that is often unachieveable through reasonable means. Even men are going under the knife for various plastic procedures, including pectoral implants.

Imagine if we took the time energy and funds we spend on the way we look outside and focused it on improving our inner beauty? Don’t stay numb to these cultural phenomena that are influencing our kids. Let’s get real.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

www,DrEPresents.com

There were many great discussions on the show, and I felt inspired by a mother, whose son was tragically killed by bullies, who took the energy of her grief and turned it into developing a program aimed at education. Both her courage and her insight are a testament to what we can do when faced with challenges in life. To stay silent, would have missed an opportunity to share her pain and wisdom with others who could be helped.

I have written quite a bit on the subject of bullying, and believe that I see the answers to change this epidemic. Part of that solution is parenting with wisdom and patience, not parenting with control and fear. The most troubling aspect of the bullying epidemic is that those who are in a position to effect changes may be blind to their contribution to the issues. Yes, that means you Mom and Dad.

On this panel was another psychologist, with all due respect to him, who near the end of the discussion stated that he was “old school” and believed in the idea of “spare the rod and spoil the child”. This phrase has been uttered numerous times to me over the years, especially from parents in my work who feel frustrated by their kids’ disrespectful behavior. However, depending on where the emphasis is placed, this can have two totally different meanings – either spare the rod and you will end up with a spoiled child, or don’t spank your child, but love them unconditionally instead, i.e., spoil them with love instead. When there is ambiguity to things that are stated, much can become of interpretation.

Spare Me…

Many people attribute the phrase “spare the rod and spoil the child” to the Bible, but in my research, this is not a quote from the Bible. There are discussions of what was referred to in the Old Testament in Proverbs about child discipline (Prov 13:24: “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes (diligently).”), however, historically, it is believed that Solomon compiled the book of Proverbs from stories and verses of teachers and “wise men” in his day. Furthermore, many of the comments in Proverbs supported his views of punishment. In fact when his son, Rehoboam, whom Solomon punished in a similar manner to what is in Proverbs, grew up and ruled over his kingdom, he had little regard for others welfare and was almost overthrown due to his brutality, as many of today’s dictators are finding.

After the show ended, I did not want to let his comment go and continued the discussion off the air with the panel. I stated that what his comment allowed was for some parents to interpret the comment that it is okay for them to beat their kids. When we furthered this discussion, he stated that it is not what he meant, but I commented that is what he said. I further commented that he knows how this phrase is interpreted by many and without further explanation by him, he could not manage how others interpreted his comment. He then stated that the “rod of discipline” is what he intended. I said again, “That is not what you said.” When asked further about the “rod of discipline”, he could not fully explain what he meant (granted, time was short).

Discipline This…

So let’s discuss the word discipline. Many people equate the word discipline with punishment. The root of the word “discipline” is disciple. The word disciple means to teach. Teaching comes with boundaries, limits and goals, and as a teacher, I know that people do not learn very well in a state of fear. They may learn to avoid, but they do not learn concepts as well as they do when they feel involved and empowered. Here is another point to consider, how many times did it take for you to try to tie your shoes before you could tie them with your eyes closed? – Probably about 100 times and likely more. As humans, we are meant to learn over time and repetition is important. Consider the disciples, they had the benefit of travelling around with Christ from town to town and hearing his message over and over, learning through repetition. Do you think that Jesus grilled the disciples and spanked them if they could not recite what he was teaching? They did not just hear his message once, and still they each had their own interpretation.  Some would comment that Jesus was not a parent, “He didn’t raise my kid.” I would say, he is a parent, and in all that he taught, how did he do it? Didn’t he lead by example?

Allow your children to learn by absorbing knowledge through experience and repetition. It is true that some lessons (not playing near the street, not taking drugs or getting into household chemicals…) are survival-based and need to be learned quickly. For those lessons, prepare them for them and discuss risks in advance, while doing what you can to prevent them from being exposed to these situations too early in life.

Old School vs. the New School

Here is something that I take into consideration. Proverbs is Old Testament. Historically, what did Jesus teach, and why is it said that he came? –  to correct the misunderstandings of those who had mis-taught “God’s word”? “For the Son of Man has come to save that which was lost” Mat 18:11. I think I can sum up how New Testament parenting would look: “Do unto others what you would have them do to you” Mat 7-12. This IS a quote from the Bible, and this message, in various forms, transcends many religions and teachings. As a psychologist, this single phrase sums up healthy human interactions. As Bill and Ted said in their “Excellent Adventure”, “Be excellent to each other.”

It is important to look at our emotions that influence our parenting and often fear and then anger become the most prevalent emotions experienced in times of distress. We often resort back to our own experiences and also believe that quick consequences that evoke pain should result in lasting change. Too many times in life, we want to call on what we learned that seems convenient to us, rather than what is in our and others highest good.

There are plenty of quotes from the Old Testament in the Bible that one can call on to support physically abusive consequences for their children’s behavior and that of a punishing God. I just don’t believe that physical punishment was taught in the New Testament, neither was being a totally permissive parent with no boundaries. Of course physical punishment is a relative term in the mind of many, but in my years as a parent of a very strong-willed child, I can say that I have never used spanking or yelling as a consequence. I have used restraint to manage her outbursts, time-outs, a stern voice to get her attention, counting techniques, removal of privileges, restriction and other techniques, discussion of her behaviors, but the most important tools that my wife and I use are consistency and follow-through.

Don’t you think that parents could be seen by their child as their first bully? Think about it. It will take time to change a generation, but the first step may be to change within your self.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

www.drepresents.com

We each will experience our grieving process, as adults, but what about our kids? While there are certain expected phases to the grieving process: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance, not everyone will go through this process the same way, and the duration of this process will vary. Kids also experience grief, however, the way they experience emotions will likely not be the same way you do.

Acknowledging the Truth

My daughter is a precocious five year-old in some ways and in other ways all of five years old. When I knew I had to leave to try to see my Dad before he “graduated from life” I told my daughter, with tears in my eyes, that Bid Daddy was sick and may not live through this, knowing that she would not fully understand. When I was trying to tell her about “Big Daddy”, she understood that something not good was going on, and she was trying to change the subject, kept turning away, and then grabbed my face to try to make me laugh. It was clear that she was feeling upset, and my daughter does not like to cry. Instead, she will do things to distract, be funny, change the subject… It is very important to know how your child responds to emotions and to not expect them to behave like you do.

After my Dad’s death, I had hoped to be able to come home from Tucson and talk with her together with my wife about what happened, but because of some family events that occurred my wife had to tell her. That was okay with me, as life often happens when you are making plans, and my wife did a masterful job with this discussion. Sometimes in life, things don’t happen as we want them to and you may have to make do with what you have. Don’t expect to be able to control what happens or to control how your child behaves, especially when it comes to the death of loved one.

When I came back home, we talked. I asked her how she was feeling and she said she felt sad, she then asked, “What happened?” I told her that Big Daddy had been sick for a while, and his body was tired and it wore out. He lived a long life and we would always have our memories. I said that Mommy and I were not sick and expected to be here for her through the years, but I stopped short of making promises I know I couldn’t keep. Over the past few weeks, we continue to ask how she is feeling about Big Daddy about every third day, and she often says she feels sad, and I let her know that whatever she is feeling is okay. I want her to know it is okay to talk about the situation and her emotions.

Celebrating A Life

A few days after my Dad died, we, as a family, got together on Skype (for those who could not be there), ate pizza together and told funny and heart-warming stories about my Dad. My daughter was part of that. I wanted her to tell stories about the things that they did and see that when someone moves on in life, we can celebrate their life and each determine how they are remembered. We all laughed together and celebrated his life and our lives with him, instead of his death. One can argue that this was easy for us, because my Dad lived a long full life, but I can also say that when I was eight and my brother died, we all did the same thing with his friends, which made some very difficult days easier to handle. For me, no matter how long or short a life is, I feel blessed to have been graced with that person’s presence. I want my daughter to also be exposed to that view, as well as honoring the views of others.

What I also told her is that Big Daddy will always be around us and in our hearts and memories. We won’t have to use the phone to talk to him either. We may not be able to hear his answers, but know that he is listening to us. My daughter also never ceases to amaze me. The other day we were talking to my Mom on the phone, and Grace was there and says to my Mom, “Mumsy I’m sorry that Big Daddy died. We miss him a lot. He was a very very special special man to your son.” My wife and I looked at each other and picked each other’s jaws off the floor and saw even deeper into her brilliant little soul. And last night at dinner she commented in her dinner prayer about Big Daddy. Sometimes your kids will have some of the most profound words of wisdom. Listen and acknowledge them. Don’t dismiss these moments.

The Emotional Roller Coaster

In the last week, many of those who care for our daughter have noticed her behavior being more distracted and escalating lately. Kids (and adults) often regress emotionally and behaviorally when under stress. This type of behavior is not uncommon, but often when parents are in the middle of their own grief, they miss their child’s behaviors as a symptom of grief as to why their child is misbehaving and punish them, sometimes further squashing their child’s processing of grief.

When we realized this behavioral trend in the last few days, I took another opportunity to ask her how she felt about Big Daddy and if she knew why she was making the choices she was making. She said, once again that she felt sad that Big Daddy died and that was why she was behaving like she was. Almost just as quickly, she changed the subject and wanted to talk about something else. But even then a few minutes later, she wanted my wife to get her dressed for school, seeming to push me away. I still got her dressed, because it was my day to do that, and just as quickly, she moved through that and was off and running. If your kids need to tell you a thousand times that they feel sad, let that be okay. However, if it their behavior continues to get more disruptive and complicated, ask for help from a professional.

The Tip Sheet

• It is important after a death to re-establish structure and stability. Kids respond much better to this. If everyone’s world falls apart and there is no structure, this can feel scary to kids and they may act up even more.
• Know that your children’s reactions are often not because of you. You are still responsible for your actions. Don’t blame your and their actions on others, but help them understand that grief may be a reason for their behaviors.
• If you do “lose your cool” with your kids regardless of their behavior, take responsibility for it and make efforts to change it.
• When you talk to your kids about their emotions, especially around death, don’t expect them to answer you when you want or how you want.
• Know that your kids are having a hard time understanding their emotions and what death means to them and others.
• Know that your grief is not their grief.
• I feel glad that my daughter saw my tears and knew that I felt sad and felt loss. This is part of being human, but don’t lean on them for emotional support. While it is important that they know how you are feeling, they shouldn’t be expected to take care of you.
• While it is important to keep the memories of that person alive, don’t use that person who has passed as someone who is going to know everything they do and think poorly of them if they misbehave.
• Most importantly, be aware to give your kids and yourself time to process their grief, their way and you your way.

There is an unspoken wisdom to grief. It is a process that allows us to work through transitions in life, and the emotions that we experience are necessary and vital to this process, however we may experience them. My daughter will continue to work through this change in her relationship with her Big Daddy, and I look forward to being there to help her with it. She has already been a great help to me.

Through the grieving process, keep in mind that your child’s soul may be much older and wiser than you think… Listen carefully. I love you Grace. You inspire me.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…, aka Daddy

The television show, Skins, debuted on Viacom’s MTV on Monday with a viewership of 3.3 million viewers, its highest ratings in the 12-34 y.o. range. Viacom, by the way, is the same company that brings you Dora the Explorer on Nickelodeon. You don’t have to look too far to see the concerns with the show Skins, just watch the trailer; however, I don’t want the focus of this to be the show itself, which is concerning enough; the focus should be on our culture, itself, after all, we may not have lit the fuse, but we allowed it to burn all the way to the bomb itself.

Skins Didn’t Start The Fire

Back in the 80’s, the heavy metal bands Judas Priest and Ozzy Osbourne were implicated in the suicide of teenagers for the lyrics in their music and this was taken to court. What I believed then and believe now is that while these teens and young adults listen to the genre of music, their musical interests were only an indicator of their beliefs, emotions and attitudes. As it pertains to Skins, this show is no more responsible for the sexual attitudes of our kids than heavy metal is for suicide. However, these are further influences that impact our culture and our kids.

Kids from infancy on are exposed to sexual content, whether we realize or not, and as I have discussed before in previous blogs (Elmo Says, Gleeful Discretion, and Your Body Is Not A Disneyland) this exposure contributes to the vernacular of their unspoken language and ours. We all have to see that we have become numb to many of the influences in our culture that became the fuse that led to this bomb. Skin is everywhere and what they have seen on TV and in the media is that sex is power and drugs are an escape. These are very powerful messages indeed, and aren’t we all seeking power in some form?

Money, It’s A Hit

The almighty dollar is also a huge source of power. How much money do we spend on sex, drugs, and rock and roll. The bottom line is people pay for these and watch the shows and the advertising dollars will follow. I have a few questions for Taco Bell, who recently announced that they were pulling out of their sponsorship, “When did they decide to pull their sponsorship of the show, and if they saw the trailers for the show why did they think it was okay to sponsor this show in the first place?

Money makes our media world go around, and with the ferocity of the competition and limited ad dollars being spread around to that many more outlets, realize that you, as a consumer and viewer, have more power than you think. When the money hungry monster isn’t fed, he dies faster and faster these days. If you don’t watch the show, it will not survive. When we allow shows that endorse unhealthy and reckless lifestyles to remain in our media-driven culture, we make it okay and send a message that this behavior is okay to our kids and others.

Freedom, I Won’t Let You Down

Over the past decade, the internet has become more and more of a vehicle for our belief systems and information is shared at an eye-popping speed, and many of our kids have had unprecedented and unsupervised access to it. In addition, cell phones have contributed to another avenue of exposure to life that is also often unsupervised. Like kids in a candy store without supervision, and even sometimes with supervision, many of them ate too much candy that made them sick, and they still have not learned to eat healthy.

We live in a country that values freedom, and some powers of the internet and media work to protect these freedoms that sometimes protect their interests more than ours. As a parent, it is your job to monitor and manage your child’s freedom. I would prefer it not be control. Freedom comes with a price and a responsibility. Use it wisely, and teach your kids to do the same. At this time, we have a lot of work to do.

What’s Love Got To Do With It? It’s NOT A Second-Hand Emotion

Many of the issues our kids are having with sex, drugs and their sexual attitudes are influenced by their concept of love and their attachments and relationships to parents and others. We have serious problems with the strength of our attachments with our kids and sex and drugs often becomes a way that they are reaching out for comfort and escape from pain. Just because we give them everything they want, doesn’t mean they have everything they need. Acting out behaviors, be it sex and/or drug-related are often a sign of deeper issues that go back to love and security. Step back and see what you can do to repair, heal and strengthen the gap between you and your kids.

So what should you, as a parent do about Skins and other more serious bombs that could still explode in our culture?

• Don’t make a big deal about this show and others like it and forbid them to watch it. That may make it more attractive to them. Talk about the concerns and ask them what interests them about it?
• Give your kids more hugs and love. We all need them.
• Sit down with your kids and talk with them about their life, beliefs, and attitudes.
• Don’t lecture, listen.
• Turn off the TV and do more together as a family
• Eat dinner together as a family
• Meet your kids’ friends, boy/girlfriends and their parents
• Watch what your kids are watching with them sometimes and talk about it.
• If your kids are having difficulties that you realize you can’t handle, get help.
• Don’t just complain about what should change in our culture, do something about it.

This isn’t just a game people play. These attitudes and beliefs are a way of life for an emerging generation. There are many more losers than winners, and the results can be tragic. Just like many hair and clothing styles in the past, I hope we wake up one day, look back and say, “What were we thinking???”

Respectfully yours,

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com

You may be saying, “Opportunity? What the heck is he talking about? I was stuck at home, couldn’t get to work, lost income, got behind on my work, and my kids drove me crazy?” How many times in your life do you have an opportunity to create positive memories with your family that aren’t canned in the wrapping of a holiday or the mouse ears of the amusement park? This week may have had some secondary expenses, but the dividends of the experience and fun that could have come from it may last for years to come.

For me, if I am not seeing clients, I am not getting paid. I don’t get paid time off, and when the snow came, I woke up Monday morning under 5 inches of snow in a county outside Atlanta that owns 9 snow plows. I could have looked at it through the eyes of lost income, or I could have looked at it like a field of untouched, fresh-fallen snow, full of opportunities. I chose the latter. In life, I have had to learn to surrender the idea of control and have learned to accept what comes my way. This seems to be what the “hammer of life” has taught me. Getting caught in worry, stress, and grouchiness of what I want to happen does not create positive memorable experiences.

I allowed the kid inside of me to come out and play with my daughter, and my wife joined us too. On day one, we built the snow castle, complete with a 7 foot high Rapunzel’s tower. During this process, some of the neighbor kids came by to help, and my daughter made new friends. I am just not sure who had more fun? On day two and three, we spent time at neighbors’ house sledding on the run that involved taking part of a fence out between the two yards [What would Robert Frost have to say about this (no pun intended)?] so they could double the length of the sled run, and on day three when the snow turned to ice, it took the cooperation of many to assure the safety of the few luging down the hill.

Perhaps the highlight of this experience was that it brought neighbors together to share in the joy of their kids and themselves, and after the evenings of sledding, we all shared in potluck dinners and caught up as friends. Will life return to normal? Probably, very soon, but who says that is such a good thing. How often in life do we become distracted by what we need, rather than by what we want?

What are your kids really asking for from you, and what do you do when opportunity calls?

Carpe Diem,

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com

So how can you, as a parent who loves your child, spend less on Santa, one of the most altruistic and generous icons of our culture? What will your child feel when they wake up on Christmas morning and look under the tree only to find that Santa “cheaped out” on them? What’s up with that? Santa has unlimited income – doesn’t he? Isn’t he part of the G-8? Well, because current financial circumstances, I can only imagine that there are going to be a number of parents feeling guilt, failure, sadness, and worth-less, because of their inability to come through for the big man.

The Culture of Christmas

Here is the problem, our culture has spent a lot of time, money and public relations building up the image of the almighty elf in the red suit. As a result, many parents feel obligated to give until hurts in the name of the overgrown elf and his somewhat diminutive north-bound brethren. Many of you may, at this point, be cursing this tradition, as you may be wondering whether to pay the light bill or purchase the latest game system to put under the tree.

So, why do our kids need so much at Christmas? Since this holiday is dedicated to the birth of the “son of God”, is this really what was really intended. I think not, but once we back ourselves in a corner and start a tradition, we often feel that we have to keep up with it, even if it doesn’t make sense. Norman Rockwell painted a great picture, but there are times in life when art can’t imitate life.  Teaching your kids responsible spending, even if it’s from Santa Claus is probably the better angle to take. Is it really a good idea to go into more debt to buy more happiness? I didn’t think you could buy that.

The Santa Talk

So how do you talk to your child about this very delicate situation and explain that Santa Claus will not be spending as much this year? What I would suggest is that you start by adding a significant prefix to Santa. This prefix is “The Spirit of”. The reason is that this starts to explain the true idea behind Santa, who was born out of the intention to teach the gift of giving, not the gift of getting. Personally, I teach my daughter that the Spirit of Santa lives in everyone.

As you talk to your child, you can explain that in the recent years, you realized that we were all losing the meaning behind Christmas and discussed this with Santa (sometimes in life we all learn lessons, even Santa). You can support that your kids may have noticed that your family has not been spending as much, and there won’t be as much spent on Christmas this year. They might notice that other kids may get more from Santa when they are getting less, but that doesn’t mean that they haven’t made good choices. The decision to spend less was made between you and Santa, and each parent makes their own agreement with Santa. If they feel upset that others get more from Santa, you understand that, but it is not a reflection on them.

The next issue is to help your kids to understand their expectations of what they will get by looking through a list of wants. If they are going to visit Santa, have them limit their lists to a few “realistic” items. I believe that having an endless list of wants that they can dream about only to find that they get nothing on that list leads to disappointment, sadness and bad memories.

Talk to your kids about what you want them to learn from the holiday, and let them know that you want to focus on what you all have rather then what they will get. You also want to talk about how you have learned that happiness doesn’t lie in how much you get or what you have, it lies inside of us. You may want to then encourage your kids to develop a season of giving and see how you can help others in inexpensive ways. Here are a few ideas:

1. Each day leading up to Christmas go around the dinner table and have everyone say something they feel gratitude for.
2. Each person in the family makes a present for someone else in the family with a dollar limit.
3. Perhaps even consider contacting DFCS to help provide Xmas for a child in foster care.
4. As a family, make cookies, a meal or something nice for someone or a family who is having challenges.
5. Try to get a group together to sing at a retirement home.

The goal is to change the focus to what they can give and have them find happiness in sharing with others. Start a new tradition this year that may carry on for generations, and let the “Spirit of Santa” fill your heart instead of your stocking. I would ask you to have yourself and children consider this: Ask not what Christmas can do for you, but what can you do for Christmas.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

The sometimes outrageous sexual content almost followed the theme of their episode last season when Rachel, who most commonly dresses more conservatively, was encouraged to dress in a more sexual manner to change her image. By the end of the show, she realized that the style did not fit her personality, and she returned to her more comfortable dress.

Where Have You Gone Will Schuster?

Well, the Glee that I was sold on was not the Glee that is has become this season. You didn’t have to change your style to get me to like you more.

Realize that it is just my wife and I that watch this in our home, but I have concerns about the influence of this content on our already “oversexualized” society (Feel free to read my blog series Your Body Is Not A Disneyland). Here is a compliment to the writers at Glee – you don’t need to add the sex to have a great show.

So here is where it gets better. I am not sure where it came from, whether it was the discussions in the media about the content, a set up from the start, and/or a growing awareness of where the show was going, but in last night’s Rocky Horror episode, I wanted to give the writers a big hug and thank them for the message they communicated. Is this a case of art imitating life?

In this episode, Will Schuster, the Glee club instructor, pulls back from performing the Rocky Horror Picture Show with his students. In a dialog  with Cheerio’s instructor, Sue Sylvester, he makes a realization that even though there are plenty of avenues where his students are exposed to sexual content, he didn’t have to play along. It was his getting lost along the way that almost lead him to inappropriately make his students the vehicle of his OWN issues.  Sue makes the statement, “If you lead them to it, you make it okay.”

FOX Network, Changing the World
In the history of television, there have been many moments where trends changed, and when I look at when sexual content started to become more of a part of the television vernacular; it was when FOX network started pushing the boundaries in the late 80s with Married with Children. As ratings went up, the other networks eventually followed the almighty advertising dollar and sold their collective soul.

I would ask this of the FOX network, let this be an opportunity when you do the unconventional again and turn the corner. Can we, as a society, enjoy the boob tube without the boobs? I believe that we can. It will take some effort and good writing, but we can do it. After all, “When you lead them to it, you make it okay.”

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

In all seriousness, if you haven’t heard, Sesame Street and the Children’s Television Workshop chose to not air a song that Katy Perry was singing to Elmo because parents who had previewed the video felt the singer was dressed too suggestively. After viewing this video myself, I realized it wasn’t just your preschooler’s Elmo’s Song anymore.

Katy sings to Elmo

I want to be careful as I write this, not to appear desirous of censoring television and play the moralist, but how I hearken for a return to the days of Hester Prynne— well… not really. What I do want to discuss is how our children develop some of the attitudes and behaviors we see at earlier and earlier ages that concern us as parents and professionals. I, personally, felt that everything in the video was appropriate for children, with the exception of Katy Perry’s dress. The problem is that the dress is prominent throughout the video, and whether it is one second of exposure or five minutes of exposure, it is easily construed as an inappropriately sexually suggestive dress, even with the skin colored mesh. Our kids are viewing this, and they are sponges. When kids see adults do things, wear things or say things, they often want to mimic these actions, if not at the time, then at some time in their future. Seeds are planted early and often.

The Language of Life

The main issue is that attitudes and beliefs that we develop in life toward many facets, dress and sexuality included, are learned at very early ages. Children are not just acquiring language in their first five years, but are also acquiring the “language” of the world around them. Everything they are exposed to is information that they process and try to make sense of. Our kids are exposed to styles of dress that can be somewhat provocative all the time in the media in their home and in their community; I would like to have a safe haven for our kids somewhere where they can be kids.

CTW, The Mission

The surprising fact here is that the Children’s Television Workshop is dedicated to making sure our children get a healthy dose of educational and kid-friendly television. The following quote regarding the purpose of the CTW comes from this link  http://www.ftc.gov/privacy/comments/ctw.htm . “Founded in 1968 to experiment with television’s capacity to help children learn, CTW continues today to set global standards for excellence in programming for traditional and new media, publishing, product licensing, and community outreach for children from birth to age 12 and for the adults who care for them.”

I think that we have to be willing to acknowledge that we all make mistakes and we all have errors in judgment. I am not willing to say that the wheels are coming off the bus to Sesame Street, but I hope they take this opportunity to learn from this experience. Many of us have entrusted the CTW with our children’s welfare, and while we may do that, we, as parents, still have to be willing to monitor what they watch and be the champion for their welfare. I applaud the CTW for having people preview the video and being willing to pull it; however, I also feel that a wardrobe change and judgment call should have been made at the taping.

Comfortably Numb

A major issue that we all have to contend with is that we, as a society, are becoming numb to the influences of clothing and dress on the development of sexuality, and apparently the people at Sesame Street are no exception. I would be very interested in seeing a survey from Americans and how they viewed the appropriateness of Katy Perry’s dress for children, but if Matt Lauer of the Today Show and Kelly Ripa of Live are any indication, there are likely many who don’t seem to feel that there was anything wrong with the way Katy was dressed. Please understand, it’s not that I believe there is anything “wrong” with her dress, but the discussion and application of what sculpts and molds our kids should be discussed carefully.

As I was stating above, most children want to be like adults, speak like adults, dress like adults and behave like adults often way before their time. The parallel was made to language. Consider people who swear a lot – they often don’t pay attention to when they are swearing, the words just come out, and they are numb to their influence on others. Is our view of clothing, sexual innuendo, and direct sexual content in various forms of media any different? Have we become blind to our reality and how that reality is affecting our kids?  I will leave you with this, Have there been times when and/or would you have limited your kid’s exposure to an adult because of the language they use? Consider your answer and consider this important issue. While doing this, think about tomorrow when dealing with your kids today.

For a more complete discussion of this topic, I would welcome you to review my blog series, Your Body Is Not A Disneyland for more to consider on the topic of our sexuality.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…