Some people may see this situation as innocent enough and may not have a problem with it, other than thinking that this kid needs to toughen up a bit. I will give you another true story. A teacher comes into a classroom and asks for one of the students to come with them to their classroom. The teacher takes the student to the classroom and pulls the kid’s arm behind their back and threatens to break the kid’s arm if the kid touches another one of her students again. The problem was that this kid never did anything to anyone. A child in her class made the story up to spite “the kid”, and the teacher did not do her “homework” to check facts.

Is one of these events worse than the others? It is a relative question, but I would say the definition of worse, in some ways, depends on the ultimate outcome. Worse is not the issue IMHO, however. The issue is about the ability for students to feel safe in a learning environment. Both kids had a history of being teased, bullied and humiliated. In both situations, their parents weren’t really sure how to handle the situation. In both situations the child felt helpless to do or say anything for fear of reprisal by peers and the teacher. Both situations have the ability to permanently affect the lives of others, not just these two children, but also the students who observed these events.

Lesons Learned

It has been shown that humans and animals not only learn by doing, they learn through observation. Many of us only need to see someone touch a hot stove to know that we don’t want to do that ourselves. Taken further, many students observe the behaviors of teachers in the classroom toward other students and learn that they don’t want to experience the humiliating consequences of their teachers’ actions. It shuts them down, decreases the chance of them taking risks, and they don’t learn, because they are too focused on fear.

We often wonder why our education system is failing our children. We wonder why kids drop out of school. We wonder why bullying seemingly continues unchecked and drug and alcohol issues occur in the schoolyard – why there is school violence. Events like these are part of the problem. Teachers are human beings and are prone to the lacks and failings of the human condition; however, they chose to be teachers. I hold parents to the same standards. Teachers have to hold themselves accountable for everything they teach their students, not just what is in the books.

It behooves us, as teachers to our children and to the children of evolving generations, to realize what we are teaching them. Both of these teachers behaved like bullies. In both situations, neither may see it. For the first teacher, she was just teaching her class and had an appropriate example to use as an illustration. For the second situation, she was only trying to protect her students and at first was the rescuer, then became the victim as the truth was revealed. Between the rescuer and the victim is the persecutor, aka, the bully, and when we are supposed to be in positions to help or rescue others, we often don’t see how we may be seen as a bully.

They Had It Comin’

Some may ask, what did these two kids in my examples do beforehand? There has to be something they did to bring this on… I say that it doesn’t matter what they did. As a teacher, it is up to us to take responsibility to understand why people behave as they do and to keep our issues in check as much as we can.  Stop using the excuses, “It was good enough for me.”, or “They had it comin’.”, and know that there is a further potential. Know that our kids deserve better, and we do too. It takes courage to change and to admit responsibility. Maybe some teachers, including ourselves, need to go back to school to become students of the human soul.

I remember when “they” was a wide-eyed young child who enjoyed life, loved to learn and laugh, and now “they” is evolving into someone who feels afraid to smile and quits before they can fail. I sent a letter to the teacher and her supervisors, and I asked her to say the following to the entire class. “Yesterday I made a mistake. In my attempts to use humor to teach you all, I used a student’s behavior to exemplify a vocabulary word that could have felt demeaning to that student. That was not fair to that student or to you. In an environment that should create a sense of empowerment and learning, I recognize that this did not, and I apologize to you all for that.” Did she follow through with the suggestion? Not yet, but at least one student felt wounded. And while there are many wonderful teachers out there, countless students continue to be harmed everyday by those we entrust with their education. What did the school do in both situations? Nothing to take responsibility for either situation. What are we teaching our kids about trust, truth, safety and life?

Resepectfully,

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com

There were many great discussions on the show, and I felt inspired by a mother, whose son was tragically killed by bullies, who took the energy of her grief and turned it into developing a program aimed at education. Both her courage and her insight are a testament to what we can do when faced with challenges in life. To stay silent, would have missed an opportunity to share her pain and wisdom with others who could be helped.

I have written quite a bit on the subject of bullying, and believe that I see the answers to change this epidemic. Part of that solution is parenting with wisdom and patience, not parenting with control and fear. The most troubling aspect of the bullying epidemic is that those who are in a position to effect changes may be blind to their contribution to the issues. Yes, that means you Mom and Dad.

On this panel was another psychologist, with all due respect to him, who near the end of the discussion stated that he was “old school” and believed in the idea of “spare the rod and spoil the child”. This phrase has been uttered numerous times to me over the years, especially from parents in my work who feel frustrated by their kids’ disrespectful behavior. However, depending on where the emphasis is placed, this can have two totally different meanings – either spare the rod and you will end up with a spoiled child, or don’t spank your child, but love them unconditionally instead, i.e., spoil them with love instead. When there is ambiguity to things that are stated, much can become of interpretation.

Spare Me…

Many people attribute the phrase “spare the rod and spoil the child” to the Bible, but in my research, this is not a quote from the Bible. There are discussions of what was referred to in the Old Testament in Proverbs about child discipline (Prov 13:24: “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes (diligently).”), however, historically, it is believed that Solomon compiled the book of Proverbs from stories and verses of teachers and “wise men” in his day. Furthermore, many of the comments in Proverbs supported his views of punishment. In fact when his son, Rehoboam, whom Solomon punished in a similar manner to what is in Proverbs, grew up and ruled over his kingdom, he had little regard for others welfare and was almost overthrown due to his brutality, as many of today’s dictators are finding.

After the show ended, I did not want to let his comment go and continued the discussion off the air with the panel. I stated that what his comment allowed was for some parents to interpret the comment that it is okay for them to beat their kids. When we furthered this discussion, he stated that it is not what he meant, but I commented that is what he said. I further commented that he knows how this phrase is interpreted by many and without further explanation by him, he could not manage how others interpreted his comment. He then stated that the “rod of discipline” is what he intended. I said again, “That is not what you said.” When asked further about the “rod of discipline”, he could not fully explain what he meant (granted, time was short).

Discipline This…

So let’s discuss the word discipline. Many people equate the word discipline with punishment. The root of the word “discipline” is disciple. The word disciple means to teach. Teaching comes with boundaries, limits and goals, and as a teacher, I know that people do not learn very well in a state of fear. They may learn to avoid, but they do not learn concepts as well as they do when they feel involved and empowered. Here is another point to consider, how many times did it take for you to try to tie your shoes before you could tie them with your eyes closed? – Probably about 100 times and likely more. As humans, we are meant to learn over time and repetition is important. Consider the disciples, they had the benefit of travelling around with Christ from town to town and hearing his message over and over, learning through repetition. Do you think that Jesus grilled the disciples and spanked them if they could not recite what he was teaching? They did not just hear his message once, and still they each had their own interpretation.  Some would comment that Jesus was not a parent, “He didn’t raise my kid.” I would say, he is a parent, and in all that he taught, how did he do it? Didn’t he lead by example?

Allow your children to learn by absorbing knowledge through experience and repetition. It is true that some lessons (not playing near the street, not taking drugs or getting into household chemicals…) are survival-based and need to be learned quickly. For those lessons, prepare them for them and discuss risks in advance, while doing what you can to prevent them from being exposed to these situations too early in life.

Old School vs. the New School

Here is something that I take into consideration. Proverbs is Old Testament. Historically, what did Jesus teach, and why is it said that he came? –  to correct the misunderstandings of those who had mis-taught “God’s word”? “For the Son of Man has come to save that which was lost” Mat 18:11. I think I can sum up how New Testament parenting would look: “Do unto others what you would have them do to you” Mat 7-12. This IS a quote from the Bible, and this message, in various forms, transcends many religions and teachings. As a psychologist, this single phrase sums up healthy human interactions. As Bill and Ted said in their “Excellent Adventure”, “Be excellent to each other.”

It is important to look at our emotions that influence our parenting and often fear and then anger become the most prevalent emotions experienced in times of distress. We often resort back to our own experiences and also believe that quick consequences that evoke pain should result in lasting change. Too many times in life, we want to call on what we learned that seems convenient to us, rather than what is in our and others highest good.

There are plenty of quotes from the Old Testament in the Bible that one can call on to support physically abusive consequences for their children’s behavior and that of a punishing God. I just don’t believe that physical punishment was taught in the New Testament, neither was being a totally permissive parent with no boundaries. Of course physical punishment is a relative term in the mind of many, but in my years as a parent of a very strong-willed child, I can say that I have never used spanking or yelling as a consequence. I have used restraint to manage her outbursts, time-outs, a stern voice to get her attention, counting techniques, removal of privileges, restriction and other techniques, discussion of her behaviors, but the most important tools that my wife and I use are consistency and follow-through.

Don’t you think that parents could be seen by their child as their first bully? Think about it. It will take time to change a generation, but the first step may be to change within your self.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

www.drepresents.com

The sometimes outrageous sexual content almost followed the theme of their episode last season when Rachel, who most commonly dresses more conservatively, was encouraged to dress in a more sexual manner to change her image. By the end of the show, she realized that the style did not fit her personality, and she returned to her more comfortable dress.

Where Have You Gone Will Schuster?

Well, the Glee that I was sold on was not the Glee that is has become this season. You didn’t have to change your style to get me to like you more.

Realize that it is just my wife and I that watch this in our home, but I have concerns about the influence of this content on our already “oversexualized” society (Feel free to read my blog series Your Body Is Not A Disneyland). Here is a compliment to the writers at Glee – you don’t need to add the sex to have a great show.

So here is where it gets better. I am not sure where it came from, whether it was the discussions in the media about the content, a set up from the start, and/or a growing awareness of where the show was going, but in last night’s Rocky Horror episode, I wanted to give the writers a big hug and thank them for the message they communicated. Is this a case of art imitating life?

In this episode, Will Schuster, the Glee club instructor, pulls back from performing the Rocky Horror Picture Show with his students. In a dialog  with Cheerio’s instructor, Sue Sylvester, he makes a realization that even though there are plenty of avenues where his students are exposed to sexual content, he didn’t have to play along. It was his getting lost along the way that almost lead him to inappropriately make his students the vehicle of his OWN issues.  Sue makes the statement, “If you lead them to it, you make it okay.”

FOX Network, Changing the World
In the history of television, there have been many moments where trends changed, and when I look at when sexual content started to become more of a part of the television vernacular; it was when FOX network started pushing the boundaries in the late 80s with Married with Children. As ratings went up, the other networks eventually followed the almighty advertising dollar and sold their collective soul.

I would ask this of the FOX network, let this be an opportunity when you do the unconventional again and turn the corner. Can we, as a society, enjoy the boob tube without the boobs? I believe that we can. It will take some effort and good writing, but we can do it. After all, “When you lead them to it, you make it okay.”

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

In all seriousness, if you haven’t heard, Sesame Street and the Children’s Television Workshop chose to not air a song that Katy Perry was singing to Elmo because parents who had previewed the video felt the singer was dressed too suggestively. After viewing this video myself, I realized it wasn’t just your preschooler’s Elmo’s Song anymore.

Katy sings to Elmo

I want to be careful as I write this, not to appear desirous of censoring television and play the moralist, but how I hearken for a return to the days of Hester Prynne— well… not really. What I do want to discuss is how our children develop some of the attitudes and behaviors we see at earlier and earlier ages that concern us as parents and professionals. I, personally, felt that everything in the video was appropriate for children, with the exception of Katy Perry’s dress. The problem is that the dress is prominent throughout the video, and whether it is one second of exposure or five minutes of exposure, it is easily construed as an inappropriately sexually suggestive dress, even with the skin colored mesh. Our kids are viewing this, and they are sponges. When kids see adults do things, wear things or say things, they often want to mimic these actions, if not at the time, then at some time in their future. Seeds are planted early and often.

The Language of Life

The main issue is that attitudes and beliefs that we develop in life toward many facets, dress and sexuality included, are learned at very early ages. Children are not just acquiring language in their first five years, but are also acquiring the “language” of the world around them. Everything they are exposed to is information that they process and try to make sense of. Our kids are exposed to styles of dress that can be somewhat provocative all the time in the media in their home and in their community; I would like to have a safe haven for our kids somewhere where they can be kids.

CTW, The Mission

The surprising fact here is that the Children’s Television Workshop is dedicated to making sure our children get a healthy dose of educational and kid-friendly television. The following quote regarding the purpose of the CTW comes from this link  http://www.ftc.gov/privacy/comments/ctw.htm . “Founded in 1968 to experiment with television’s capacity to help children learn, CTW continues today to set global standards for excellence in programming for traditional and new media, publishing, product licensing, and community outreach for children from birth to age 12 and for the adults who care for them.”

I think that we have to be willing to acknowledge that we all make mistakes and we all have errors in judgment. I am not willing to say that the wheels are coming off the bus to Sesame Street, but I hope they take this opportunity to learn from this experience. Many of us have entrusted the CTW with our children’s welfare, and while we may do that, we, as parents, still have to be willing to monitor what they watch and be the champion for their welfare. I applaud the CTW for having people preview the video and being willing to pull it; however, I also feel that a wardrobe change and judgment call should have been made at the taping.

Comfortably Numb

A major issue that we all have to contend with is that we, as a society, are becoming numb to the influences of clothing and dress on the development of sexuality, and apparently the people at Sesame Street are no exception. I would be very interested in seeing a survey from Americans and how they viewed the appropriateness of Katy Perry’s dress for children, but if Matt Lauer of the Today Show and Kelly Ripa of Live are any indication, there are likely many who don’t seem to feel that there was anything wrong with the way Katy was dressed. Please understand, it’s not that I believe there is anything “wrong” with her dress, but the discussion and application of what sculpts and molds our kids should be discussed carefully.

As I was stating above, most children want to be like adults, speak like adults, dress like adults and behave like adults often way before their time. The parallel was made to language. Consider people who swear a lot – they often don’t pay attention to when they are swearing, the words just come out, and they are numb to their influence on others. Is our view of clothing, sexual innuendo, and direct sexual content in various forms of media any different? Have we become blind to our reality and how that reality is affecting our kids?  I will leave you with this, Have there been times when and/or would you have limited your kid’s exposure to an adult because of the language they use? Consider your answer and consider this important issue. While doing this, think about tomorrow when dealing with your kids today.

For a more complete discussion of this topic, I would welcome you to review my blog series, Your Body Is Not A Disneyland for more to consider on the topic of our sexuality.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

How often do situations like mine occur everyday in our schools? If you have followed this series from the start, you know that I have addressed the issues with the schools, now it is time to focus the lens on the parents. There are a few issues that I want to address: one is the degree to which parents jump to their children’s rescue and attack the school and two is the degree to which parents often don’t share the responsibilities for their child’s education with the school.

A Victim, A Victim, My Kingdom for a Victim

I often discuss the issue that I see our culture to be a “victim culture”, meaning that our culture feeds and is fed by people who play the victim role. We give them power, because we let victims often assume no responsibility for their behaviors. As parents, we often feel that we are being a good parent when we protect them from threats, whether they are real or perceived and/or even instigated by your child. In this way, parents feel that their job is to be their child’s rescuer, no matter what. Riding in on the white horse to vanquish the enemy can feel empowering to a parent who wants to feel important and powerful. Many parents would have a hard time admitting to wanting to feel that power, but it does happen, and it takes some courage to recognize this. The problem is when parents approach situations in the school that look like they are shooting first and then asking questions, it undermines the collaborative relationship that can help your child’s education, and sometimes even result in them becoming a target.

What I also often ask parents to look at, when it comes to problems they feel their child is having at school, is what happened when they were in school as kids? Sometimes parents are carrying their own trust issues with them, so when their kids claim that they were treated unfairly, parents are more than prepared to react, because it plays into their own history.

Another issue with parents overreacting to school issues has to do with parents’ sense of guilt. Sometimes parents feel that they are not there when their children need them. Either they are emotionally not available, and/or feel overwhelmed with the demands of life, job, family…, and when they feel that they have not been able to keep their kids safe from “harm”, it can bring out the mama or papa bear in them. While guilt lets us know when we have done something to someone else we need to fix, guilt can also result in us focusing our desire to protect ourselves and those we feel responsible for in the wrong direction with anger and rage.

Teaching Is Your Job

The second issue has to do with the degree to which many parents seem to feel that it is the school’s job to teach their kids. It is true that the expertise of the school faculty is to help provide your child with an education. It is also your job to support that end. One of the biggest challenges is that many parents do not feel skilled at educating their kids, and many times the techniques or ways that their kids are being taught can be difficult for parents to understand at teach at home. For many people when they feel inadequacy or failure, they would often rather not play the game instead of playing the game and losing. Parents are people too, and if we all look honestly at this, this could be part of the motivation why we may not be more involved in our kids’ education. If we are going to model more productive behaviors to our kids, we have to be willing to face our emotions, and even ask for help on how we can understand what are kids are learning. Also, be willing to feel happy that your kids are learning possibly more than you did, because that may open up more opportunities for them.

One of the tendencies of people when we feel failure is also to blame others so that we are off the hook for our emotions (remember the victim wants to be off the hook). This is often why we want to blame the teachers, the school books, the system… Aren’t we then playing the victim? But who is going to rescue our kids, and what are we teaching them. Who inspires your children more than you? You can inspire them to want to be better people, or you can inspire them to believe that they when things get tough, it is someone else’s fault. How much do we see the latter in our culture?

The entitlement that I see from many parents when it comes to their children’s education is not based in a right to demand that the school teach your kids, it comes from a dependency on others to deal with things that they don’t want to and an arrogance that they should be off the hook. Your kids see this and learn from this. As I have said before, “Your kids are always watching.” Know and realize that partnerships often result in better outcomes. No one can win a team sport by themselves. Your child’s education takes a team to win. Become a part of it.

I would like you to consider taking my pledge. Repeat after me (well, you know what I mean). “I, (State your name), love my child enough to make sure that they get the best education that I can help them to receive. It is my hope that they one day will know more than I do, and that I will be the wind that fills their sails to propel them where they want to go to help them grow. I will do my best to advance their education not only in school, but in life. I acknowledge that I am always learning and my child will always be learning. Life is full of opportunities and I will seek to embrace them openly for and with my child.”

Respectfully,

Are there better ways to teach our children? Absolutely, but even how to teach our children has fallen victim to power struggles. People are battling over their “right” way of teaching, and few want to acknowledge their own “wrongs” for fear of losing power, prestige, and/or status.

If we are all being honest, then we have to admit that there are a certain percentage of teachers and administrators who should not be employed in the profession at all. They may either be burned out, have risen above their skill level, never should have become educators, or changes in technology have left them behind. I believe that some of these individuals know who they are, and they feel terrified that others will figure it out. What people tend to do who feel afraid to be figured out do is often deflect onto others and point out their flaws, rather than look at their own. What I see from my experiences is that this is some of the education that our children are getting.

We have become a society of victims. This is not the first time that I have said this, but I feel it more than ever. When things happen in life that we feel cause us pain, we tend to make it someone else’s fault. For students, it is often the teacher’s fault. For parents, it is often the teachers’ or administrators’ fault. For teachers, it is often the students’ or administrators’ fault. For administrators, it may be the students’, parents’, teachers’ or politicians fault. The tragedy is when we teach our children to not take responsibility for their part in situations. Pointing fingers and making excuses from any of these perspectives does not teach self-respect or respect for others.

Where there are victims, there is little trust, because the only thing that a “victim” can trust is that sooner or later they are going to feel betrayed and/or persecuted again by someone. Is this the school of hard knocks that our children are attending? I feel that we have lost the ability to take responsibility for the part that we play in the problems with our education system, and the problems with our society.

If we are going to improve the education of our children, we all have to see the wisdom in taking responsibility for our part in the problem. As adults, we have to recognize that we are guides and teachers to our children. We have to find the maturity to recognize that there is a problem and seek a solution. We also have to recognize that we may have to look outside ourselves to find the answers, together. Sometimes wisdom is knowing when to seek guidance outside ourselves.

Stay tuned for the Parent Trap.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

In my 15 years of work as a psychologist, I have been a part of many school interventions. I have sat in on meetings, talked with teachers, administrators, school psychologists, observed in classrooms, provided educational workshops… In those experiences, I have seen some very hard working teachers and administrators who went above and beyond for their students, and also have read between the lines and seen grave injustices that altered life paths of some children and young adults, leaving both the kids and parents almost helpless to do anything about it. In these latter instances, the school justifies their actions often playing both victim and martyr and makes the parents and/or child out to be the persecutors, interfering in their ability to teach others. Usually what was behind these cases were educators who actively manipulated the system to work for them without seeming regard for the children whose lives they were supposed to benefit. Don’t get me wrong, I have also seen cases where parents and children have been able to manipulate the system to their advantage, often with the help of a lawyer and or a cursory knowledge of the laws that were put in place to protect and support their kid’s needs. In either situation, the child loses. Sometimes the most damaging thing a parent can do is to enable their child’s victimization, perceived or actual.

Making the Grade

Education, these days, seems to be more about passing tests than it does learning. This is where many teachers are stuck in the middle, because they get punished for students who don’t perform from the administration, the parents, and the media. How does this motivate a teacher to teach with passion, and how does this motivate intelligent gifted students to want to become teachers?

I also see more and more kids who are only interested in getting the grade than acquiring knowledge, and they just don’t seem to be taught the value of an education. Cheating, in some form is almost the norm, and this “win at all costs” mentality doesn’t advance our culture, but instead leaves us further behind. Are we allergic to hard work? I do feel that this contagious “allergy” is something we need to address as a culture, however, educators and parents can do more to inspire an interest in the learning process instead of focusing on test grades. But how do they do this with the government breathing down their necks threatening to pull dollars away if they don’t jump through their hoops?

The answers to these issues are not easy. We all need to seek solutions, and I hope that we can meaningfully look for resolutions as a country, before our children are left behind.

Stay tuned for Part 3, On the Rocks…

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

I believe, as many of is do, that being a teacher is one of the most important jobs that exists in our world, and teachers are still grossly underpaid, proportional to their true value to our culture. It is a job that, to be successful, one has to have passion, creativity, structure, patience, intelligence, wisdom – traits that are difficult to maintain in a challenging environment. I believe that there is a huge price that we pay, collectively for undervaluing our education system and those that teach our children.

Too many times today school personnel spend more waking hours with children than many parents do. That puts them in a very powerful role when it comes to shaping children and their perspectives on life. Many kids have challenging homes that they come from. There may be physical or sexual abuse, drug use, overwhelmed parents, erratic parenting, or even lack of parenting and the list goes on…

When kids misbehave, there can be any number of reasons why. I know that there are many teachers and administrators out there who have the best interests of the student at heart and are trying to do all they can to make the lives of children better. This blog series is not about them. It is about the teachers and administrators who see disruptive children as a problem to be expunged from the school, and those who hide and mask the issues and misbehaviors of themselves and/or others in the system. What is most difficult is that there are often layers of protection for those who manage the education system, but little protection for those who are supposed to benefit the most, the students.

This series will also address the seeming sense of entitlement that many parents have that demand higher and higher levels of performance in their children, but do little to help them at home. They shake their grade cards at teachers and administrators and sometimes never check their kids homework. I hope you will stay tuned to read and participate in this discussion.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…