This past week, my wife went to Ireland, and it was just my daughter and I with our two dogs. Now this is not the first time I have had time with my daughter with my wife traveling, but this particular week took the cake. It was a very busy work week for me, and my daughter does get stressed when either of us leave town, so her behavior can be an issue. Well after a nice weekend together with her, while trying to work in yard work, we started the work week without incident. It was time to go to bed on Monday night, and my 15 year-old dog decided to make a mess on the floor of her bedroom, not just any mess, but it came complete with one nasty smell.  This began what felt like the never-ending nightmare. For some reason, her intestines decided to malfunction to a degree never experienced. So after cleaning two messes up that night, and doing the work I needed to do, I was then awakened at 3am to clean up more. So after what amounted to 3.5 hours of sleep, I was up and running again, getting my daughter up and ready for school and getting on with my day.

When I got home that evening, I had a sitter with her, and when she left, I discovered our dog had graced our Asian rugs with her signature. So instead of spending time with my daughter that I had hoped for, I had to clean up the messes. I then put her to bed, and then had to get back to my work, a two hour conference call, then a little work, then sleep. Then I was back to it the next day. I took my sick dog to the vet and my other dog seemed to get a passive aggressive streak on and decided to grace another one of our Asian rugs while we were out.  Well, my sick dog had done the same earlier, but in the process of being in a rush to clean what I could, I stepped in my other dog’s mess and tracked it through the house. At this point, I want to do things to my dog that I don’t want to admit. I had to get to work, clean up what I could and left, letting my daughter’s sitter know not to go into the family room.

Now that night I had a work function. I did not get home until 11:30, and was too exhausted to clean it up, but still had some work to do.

This week I averaged about 5 hours of sleep per night, and I had to keep going. I also did what I could to spend time with my daughter and missed her very much. I had to consider both the long and short-term when setting my priorities, and even when I had my work function, I felt guilty about going, but knew that the potential for my career was great, which may help me to increase my income and offer us a better life. What I did do was talk to my daughter about what I was doing and why, and I let her know how I felt about her. I also apologized for the situation, and she was coloring during one of our talks. She stopped, looked up at me, smiled and said,
“Daddy, I love you.” That made it all worth it.

So this was a snap shot of my week. Now, this week was the perfect storm, but what it gave me the awareness of was that this was just one week. My wife came back from Ireland tonight. My experience got me thinking of what if I was a single parent all of the time, and with Mothers’ Day here, gave me a new appreciation for single moms and what is involved in parenting children, working, and/or going to school, paying the bills, shopping, taking care of sick or special needs kids… and the list goes on.

Moms take some time to recognize what you do and honor yourself, and if you know a single mom, let her know you appreciate her efforts. Know that your kids likely will not understand your efforts for some time. Be careful not to play the martyr. This sends a message of conditional love. Just take the time to love yourself a little more and know that you are doing the best for your kids that you know how. And know that there are others out there who know what you do, and how difficult it is to find the perfect balance.

Happy Mothers’Day.

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com

So how can you, as a parent who loves your child, spend less on Santa, one of the most altruistic and generous icons of our culture? What will your child feel when they wake up on Christmas morning and look under the tree only to find that Santa “cheaped out” on them? What’s up with that? Santa has unlimited income – doesn’t he? Isn’t he part of the G-8? Well, because current financial circumstances, I can only imagine that there are going to be a number of parents feeling guilt, failure, sadness, and worth-less, because of their inability to come through for the big man.

The Culture of Christmas

Here is the problem, our culture has spent a lot of time, money and public relations building up the image of the almighty elf in the red suit. As a result, many parents feel obligated to give until hurts in the name of the overgrown elf and his somewhat diminutive north-bound brethren. Many of you may, at this point, be cursing this tradition, as you may be wondering whether to pay the light bill or purchase the latest game system to put under the tree.

So, why do our kids need so much at Christmas? Since this holiday is dedicated to the birth of the “son of God”, is this really what was really intended. I think not, but once we back ourselves in a corner and start a tradition, we often feel that we have to keep up with it, even if it doesn’t make sense. Norman Rockwell painted a great picture, but there are times in life when art can’t imitate life.  Teaching your kids responsible spending, even if it’s from Santa Claus is probably the better angle to take. Is it really a good idea to go into more debt to buy more happiness? I didn’t think you could buy that.

The Santa Talk

So how do you talk to your child about this very delicate situation and explain that Santa Claus will not be spending as much this year? What I would suggest is that you start by adding a significant prefix to Santa. This prefix is “The Spirit of”. The reason is that this starts to explain the true idea behind Santa, who was born out of the intention to teach the gift of giving, not the gift of getting. Personally, I teach my daughter that the Spirit of Santa lives in everyone.

As you talk to your child, you can explain that in the recent years, you realized that we were all losing the meaning behind Christmas and discussed this with Santa (sometimes in life we all learn lessons, even Santa). You can support that your kids may have noticed that your family has not been spending as much, and there won’t be as much spent on Christmas this year. They might notice that other kids may get more from Santa when they are getting less, but that doesn’t mean that they haven’t made good choices. The decision to spend less was made between you and Santa, and each parent makes their own agreement with Santa. If they feel upset that others get more from Santa, you understand that, but it is not a reflection on them.

The next issue is to help your kids to understand their expectations of what they will get by looking through a list of wants. If they are going to visit Santa, have them limit their lists to a few “realistic” items. I believe that having an endless list of wants that they can dream about only to find that they get nothing on that list leads to disappointment, sadness and bad memories.

Talk to your kids about what you want them to learn from the holiday, and let them know that you want to focus on what you all have rather then what they will get. You also want to talk about how you have learned that happiness doesn’t lie in how much you get or what you have, it lies inside of us. You may want to then encourage your kids to develop a season of giving and see how you can help others in inexpensive ways. Here are a few ideas:

1. Each day leading up to Christmas go around the dinner table and have everyone say something they feel gratitude for.
2. Each person in the family makes a present for someone else in the family with a dollar limit.
3. Perhaps even consider contacting DFCS to help provide Xmas for a child in foster care.
4. As a family, make cookies, a meal or something nice for someone or a family who is having challenges.
5. Try to get a group together to sing at a retirement home.

The goal is to change the focus to what they can give and have them find happiness in sharing with others. Start a new tradition this year that may carry on for generations, and let the “Spirit of Santa” fill your heart instead of your stocking. I would ask you to have yourself and children consider this: Ask not what Christmas can do for you, but what can you do for Christmas.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

We teach our kids to give gifts to other family members, and they often learn that you do that because that is what you are supposed to do, but these gifts are often given in exchange of gifts given to them. What I would like to talk about is giving selflessly to people in need and teaching your child the same.

Every year for the past seven or eight years, my wife and I have picked up a Christmas wish list for children who are in foster care from the local Department of Children and Family Services. Through my career, I have worked with many children who have been in foster care, and see how much love these kids need. Since my daughter was born, we have continued that, and as she has gotten older, we have talked with her about helping a little girl or boy have a merrier Christmas that does not live with their family. We talk about our good fortune and that we feel blessed for what we have and we want to spread that around. We also talk about some of the challenges that people have, and it is important to help others.

This year, when we talked with my daughter about helping a little girl out with Christmas who did not live with her own family, she asked if the girl we were providing Christmas gifts for could live with us. My wife and I both looked at each other with that “Wow” look, and while we knew she did not fully understand what that would mean, we felt proud of her willingness to open her heart to someone in need. I talked to her about what it means to live with a foster family and that she was safe and taken care of with the foster family. We wanted to help her to have a happier Christmas and get her some things that she needed.

We take my daughter out to shop for the foster children and also have her help wrap the presents. We want her to feel included in this process and want her truly feel the Spirit of Santa in her heart. As she grows older, we will have her continue to become more involved. I will never demand that my daughter gives to others at Christmas or on any occasion. I do hope that she sees the example that we have set and will follow that example and take it even further in her own life.

If you don’t do this already, I would encourage you to start a new holiday tradition this year or next. I would also encourage you to see that many kids in foster care need love every day. There are plenty of ways that you can help. I encourage you to contact your local foster care organizations to see how you can make a difference not only your child’s life, but in the lives of others.

Happy Holidays…

Dr. E…

The Gospel Truth?

What I want to talk about is the fact that we continue to urge, prompt, and sometimes demand that our children believe in a story that is not based in truth. We teach our children to believe in what we say and to trust us. When they tell us stories and fibs, we often challenge them when their stories don’t add up, and they may even have consequences for those stories. On the other hand, we want them to have fun being children and experience the joys of childhood, so we believe that we are entitled in the name of “tradition” to make stories like Santa and the Easter Bunny the Gospel Truth that we hold secret like fraternity and sorority ritual until the mystical “right of passage” occurs and/or until the gifts get too expensive. Then, after we let them know, we make it their job to keep the secret from other siblings or younger kids.

But why do the joys of a child’s Christmas have to be based in a fabrication? The risk is, what happens when our children find out that what we told them was a lie? Yes, I said it – a lie!  We often excuse ourselves, and tell them that it was to make Christmas more enjoyable for them.

If you can’t tell, I was one of those kids who felt totally betrayed when I found out about Santa, and I felt foolish for believing in something that I knew better than to believe, deep down inside. The result for so many kids, as they grow up, is that they question almost everything, and sometimes don’t know what and who to trust. I call this the “Santa Claus Syndrome”, and I believe that this is part of our epidemic of mistrust.

…Is Paved with Good Intentions…

Here is the way I see it. On one hand, Santa Claus, as he is presented, teaches children to expect to be given material things with no limit. Our kids make their lists and go tell this guy in a red suit, in the very places that we buy these items, what they want for Christmas, and they expect to get it. On the other hand, if they don’t get what they requested, then they sometimes believe that there must be something wrong with them and/or they are bad kids. Just ask a foster child or disadvantaged child how they felt when they may not have received anything from Santa. Even some songs about Santa tell kids that if they don’t behave, they may not get anything. And just what is up with the Elf on the Shelf who watches over your kids to make sure they are behaving? Do they then learn to behave only as long as they feel afraid to lose something that they want?

Santa has become the poster child of Christmas’ commercialism, and he encourages us to spend more than we sometimes should to make our children happy, and then we wonder why they want more. You can’t buy happiness. I believe that the idea of Santa and the various stories around the world of similar characters were created to teach unconditional love and to give a gift freely without the expectation of return. That is a wonderful message, and I teach my daughter those ideals values.

Dr. Scrooge???

So now you may be thinking, “Wow, Dr. E… has some issues. Perhaps he should be called Dr. Scrooge!” Let me help clarify this issue. I teach my 4 year-old daughter about the Spirit of Santa Claus. This spirit lives in all of us. It comes from our heart and is a gift from our creator. When we see Santa Clauses in various settings I tell her that is a guy dressed up like Santa, and she understands. When we watch Television specials about Santa, I tell her that these are stories to teach people about giving, sharing and loving unconditionally, and that is what Christmas is intended to be, IMHO.

I say that there are many stories in life that are written to teach us all how to live better lives and make better choices. I also have let her know that I will always tell her the truth about things. I never want her to question her trust in me, and I want her to believe in an unconditionally loving Creator who brought us all into being, and I want her to know that this world is a gift to us all. I also look forward to her continued spiritual exploration.

Here is my double bind. I don’t want my family to be seen as social pariahs for explaining Santa as we do, and it is priceless that my daughter has my trust. I personally don’t feel that the ends of how we do Santa justify the means. Do I see my daughter enjoying this season of Christmas? Yes I do. Will she get her gift from the Spirit of Santa? Yes, every year, because one never grows out of the Spirit of Santa. It is always within us.

Am I asking you to tell your kids what I tell my daughter? No. Would I like you to consider what you do tell them and why? Absolutely. My greatest Christmas wish is that we all remember what Christmas is about.

Happy Holidays,

Dr. E…

For another view of Christmas and finance stress, I would encourage you to check out ‘Twas the Sale Before Christmas.