Have you ever noticed how Elmo always looks a little better in print — a little thinner, a little more buff and cut in the chest and abs??? It’s the digital airbrush.  Well, not really, but almost every picture you may see in print has been manipulated in some form, and the images that your kids see influence the way they see themselves.

Issues with body image, that are precursors to Eating Disorders, develop earlier than you think. In my dissertation 20 years ago, I looked at how kids from 6^th grade through college were comparing various body sites, and found that in both boys and girls there were already very defined ways that they were comparing their bodies, even in 6^th grade. I firmly believe that body image awareness begins in the preschool years, and the ability for it to morph into problematic issues from anxiety, depression, low self-esteem and other related issues is significant.

Catch the Wave

Your kids are inundated with images everyday, and the degree to which these images are valid representations of the human form will subtly and obviously affect how they view the world and themselves as they grow up. Some of you may feel that banning ads such as those in Britain is absolutely overblown and a violation of rights. While this was seen as a truth in advertising issue, it is a psychological health issue as well. To many kids and adults, they may not think twice about these ads. To others, they may bring up intense feelings of inadequacy and self-hatred. The fact that we accept these images as acceptable is a sign of our numbness to the alternate realities that are created by the media and advertising.

I remember when doing my graduate research that I felt that surely in 20 years, our society would grow beyond this obsession with our bodies and appearance. I was teaching about airbrushing, and the degree of eating disorders in the modeling industry, and I taught about the excessive pursuit of the male stereotype in body builders. I had believed that we would educate our kids and ourselves about how to feel better from the inside out, but instead, the problems have become worse, in some ways, and not only do young women have to look fit and thin, but even older women are still focused on the same pursuit of physical perfection at the cost of their self-esteem. Just look at the rate of plastic surgeries on everything from facelifts to calf implants, and the age range on these procedures is widening.

Jump on the Bandwagon Guys

Men and boys are not immune to these issues. Their physique is just focused more on muscular aspects. Realize how the images that they see sell a muscular body that is often unachieveable through reasonable means. Even men are going under the knife for various plastic procedures, including pectoral implants.

Imagine if we took the time energy and funds we spend on the way we look outside and focused it on improving our inner beauty? Don’t stay numb to these cultural phenomena that are influencing our kids. Let’s get real.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

www,DrEPresents.com

The television show, Skins, debuted on Viacom’s MTV on Monday with a viewership of 3.3 million viewers, its highest ratings in the 12-34 y.o. range. Viacom, by the way, is the same company that brings you Dora the Explorer on Nickelodeon. You don’t have to look too far to see the concerns with the show Skins, just watch the trailer; however, I don’t want the focus of this to be the show itself, which is concerning enough; the focus should be on our culture, itself, after all, we may not have lit the fuse, but we allowed it to burn all the way to the bomb itself.

Skins Didn’t Start The Fire

Back in the 80’s, the heavy metal bands Judas Priest and Ozzy Osbourne were implicated in the suicide of teenagers for the lyrics in their music and this was taken to court. What I believed then and believe now is that while these teens and young adults listen to the genre of music, their musical interests were only an indicator of their beliefs, emotions and attitudes. As it pertains to Skins, this show is no more responsible for the sexual attitudes of our kids than heavy metal is for suicide. However, these are further influences that impact our culture and our kids.

Kids from infancy on are exposed to sexual content, whether we realize or not, and as I have discussed before in previous blogs (Elmo Says, Gleeful Discretion, and Your Body Is Not A Disneyland) this exposure contributes to the vernacular of their unspoken language and ours. We all have to see that we have become numb to many of the influences in our culture that became the fuse that led to this bomb. Skin is everywhere and what they have seen on TV and in the media is that sex is power and drugs are an escape. These are very powerful messages indeed, and aren’t we all seeking power in some form?

Money, It’s A Hit

The almighty dollar is also a huge source of power. How much money do we spend on sex, drugs, and rock and roll. The bottom line is people pay for these and watch the shows and the advertising dollars will follow. I have a few questions for Taco Bell, who recently announced that they were pulling out of their sponsorship, “When did they decide to pull their sponsorship of the show, and if they saw the trailers for the show why did they think it was okay to sponsor this show in the first place?

Money makes our media world go around, and with the ferocity of the competition and limited ad dollars being spread around to that many more outlets, realize that you, as a consumer and viewer, have more power than you think. When the money hungry monster isn’t fed, he dies faster and faster these days. If you don’t watch the show, it will not survive. When we allow shows that endorse unhealthy and reckless lifestyles to remain in our media-driven culture, we make it okay and send a message that this behavior is okay to our kids and others.

Freedom, I Won’t Let You Down

Over the past decade, the internet has become more and more of a vehicle for our belief systems and information is shared at an eye-popping speed, and many of our kids have had unprecedented and unsupervised access to it. In addition, cell phones have contributed to another avenue of exposure to life that is also often unsupervised. Like kids in a candy store without supervision, and even sometimes with supervision, many of them ate too much candy that made them sick, and they still have not learned to eat healthy.

We live in a country that values freedom, and some powers of the internet and media work to protect these freedoms that sometimes protect their interests more than ours. As a parent, it is your job to monitor and manage your child’s freedom. I would prefer it not be control. Freedom comes with a price and a responsibility. Use it wisely, and teach your kids to do the same. At this time, we have a lot of work to do.

What’s Love Got To Do With It? It’s NOT A Second-Hand Emotion

Many of the issues our kids are having with sex, drugs and their sexual attitudes are influenced by their concept of love and their attachments and relationships to parents and others. We have serious problems with the strength of our attachments with our kids and sex and drugs often becomes a way that they are reaching out for comfort and escape from pain. Just because we give them everything they want, doesn’t mean they have everything they need. Acting out behaviors, be it sex and/or drug-related are often a sign of deeper issues that go back to love and security. Step back and see what you can do to repair, heal and strengthen the gap between you and your kids.

So what should you, as a parent do about Skins and other more serious bombs that could still explode in our culture?

• Don’t make a big deal about this show and others like it and forbid them to watch it. That may make it more attractive to them. Talk about the concerns and ask them what interests them about it?
• Give your kids more hugs and love. We all need them.
• Sit down with your kids and talk with them about their life, beliefs, and attitudes.
• Don’t lecture, listen.
• Turn off the TV and do more together as a family
• Eat dinner together as a family
• Meet your kids’ friends, boy/girlfriends and their parents
• Watch what your kids are watching with them sometimes and talk about it.
• If your kids are having difficulties that you realize you can’t handle, get help.
• Don’t just complain about what should change in our culture, do something about it.

This isn’t just a game people play. These attitudes and beliefs are a way of life for an emerging generation. There are many more losers than winners, and the results can be tragic. Just like many hair and clothing styles in the past, I hope we wake up one day, look back and say, “What were we thinking???”

Respectfully yours,

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com

The sometimes outrageous sexual content almost followed the theme of their episode last season when Rachel, who most commonly dresses more conservatively, was encouraged to dress in a more sexual manner to change her image. By the end of the show, she realized that the style did not fit her personality, and she returned to her more comfortable dress.

Where Have You Gone Will Schuster?

Well, the Glee that I was sold on was not the Glee that is has become this season. You didn’t have to change your style to get me to like you more.

Realize that it is just my wife and I that watch this in our home, but I have concerns about the influence of this content on our already “oversexualized” society (Feel free to read my blog series Your Body Is Not A Disneyland). Here is a compliment to the writers at Glee – you don’t need to add the sex to have a great show.

So here is where it gets better. I am not sure where it came from, whether it was the discussions in the media about the content, a set up from the start, and/or a growing awareness of where the show was going, but in last night’s Rocky Horror episode, I wanted to give the writers a big hug and thank them for the message they communicated. Is this a case of art imitating life?

In this episode, Will Schuster, the Glee club instructor, pulls back from performing the Rocky Horror Picture Show with his students. In a dialog  with Cheerio’s instructor, Sue Sylvester, he makes a realization that even though there are plenty of avenues where his students are exposed to sexual content, he didn’t have to play along. It was his getting lost along the way that almost lead him to inappropriately make his students the vehicle of his OWN issues.  Sue makes the statement, “If you lead them to it, you make it okay.”

FOX Network, Changing the World
In the history of television, there have been many moments where trends changed, and when I look at when sexual content started to become more of a part of the television vernacular; it was when FOX network started pushing the boundaries in the late 80s with Married with Children. As ratings went up, the other networks eventually followed the almighty advertising dollar and sold their collective soul.

I would ask this of the FOX network, let this be an opportunity when you do the unconventional again and turn the corner. Can we, as a society, enjoy the boob tube without the boobs? I believe that we can. It will take some effort and good writing, but we can do it. After all, “When you lead them to it, you make it okay.”

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

In all seriousness, if you haven’t heard, Sesame Street and the Children’s Television Workshop chose to not air a song that Katy Perry was singing to Elmo because parents who had previewed the video felt the singer was dressed too suggestively. After viewing this video myself, I realized it wasn’t just your preschooler’s Elmo’s Song anymore.

Katy sings to Elmo

I want to be careful as I write this, not to appear desirous of censoring television and play the moralist, but how I hearken for a return to the days of Hester Prynne— well… not really. What I do want to discuss is how our children develop some of the attitudes and behaviors we see at earlier and earlier ages that concern us as parents and professionals. I, personally, felt that everything in the video was appropriate for children, with the exception of Katy Perry’s dress. The problem is that the dress is prominent throughout the video, and whether it is one second of exposure or five minutes of exposure, it is easily construed as an inappropriately sexually suggestive dress, even with the skin colored mesh. Our kids are viewing this, and they are sponges. When kids see adults do things, wear things or say things, they often want to mimic these actions, if not at the time, then at some time in their future. Seeds are planted early and often.

The Language of Life

The main issue is that attitudes and beliefs that we develop in life toward many facets, dress and sexuality included, are learned at very early ages. Children are not just acquiring language in their first five years, but are also acquiring the “language” of the world around them. Everything they are exposed to is information that they process and try to make sense of. Our kids are exposed to styles of dress that can be somewhat provocative all the time in the media in their home and in their community; I would like to have a safe haven for our kids somewhere where they can be kids.

CTW, The Mission

The surprising fact here is that the Children’s Television Workshop is dedicated to making sure our children get a healthy dose of educational and kid-friendly television. The following quote regarding the purpose of the CTW comes from this link  http://www.ftc.gov/privacy/comments/ctw.htm . “Founded in 1968 to experiment with television’s capacity to help children learn, CTW continues today to set global standards for excellence in programming for traditional and new media, publishing, product licensing, and community outreach for children from birth to age 12 and for the adults who care for them.”

I think that we have to be willing to acknowledge that we all make mistakes and we all have errors in judgment. I am not willing to say that the wheels are coming off the bus to Sesame Street, but I hope they take this opportunity to learn from this experience. Many of us have entrusted the CTW with our children’s welfare, and while we may do that, we, as parents, still have to be willing to monitor what they watch and be the champion for their welfare. I applaud the CTW for having people preview the video and being willing to pull it; however, I also feel that a wardrobe change and judgment call should have been made at the taping.

Comfortably Numb

A major issue that we all have to contend with is that we, as a society, are becoming numb to the influences of clothing and dress on the development of sexuality, and apparently the people at Sesame Street are no exception. I would be very interested in seeing a survey from Americans and how they viewed the appropriateness of Katy Perry’s dress for children, but if Matt Lauer of the Today Show and Kelly Ripa of Live are any indication, there are likely many who don’t seem to feel that there was anything wrong with the way Katy was dressed. Please understand, it’s not that I believe there is anything “wrong” with her dress, but the discussion and application of what sculpts and molds our kids should be discussed carefully.

As I was stating above, most children want to be like adults, speak like adults, dress like adults and behave like adults often way before their time. The parallel was made to language. Consider people who swear a lot – they often don’t pay attention to when they are swearing, the words just come out, and they are numb to their influence on others. Is our view of clothing, sexual innuendo, and direct sexual content in various forms of media any different? Have we become blind to our reality and how that reality is affecting our kids?  I will leave you with this, Have there been times when and/or would you have limited your kid’s exposure to an adult because of the language they use? Consider your answer and consider this important issue. While doing this, think about tomorrow when dealing with your kids today.

For a more complete discussion of this topic, I would welcome you to review my blog series, Your Body Is Not A Disneyland for more to consider on the topic of our sexuality.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

Same “Stuff” Different Day

Well, just when you thought it was safe to go back out on the soccer field, there are other situations of violence between female athletes presenting themselves. I have addressed issues of youth sports in a previous article http://thefatherlife.com/mag/author/efisher/ , but the event I will discuss hits a little close to home, no pun intended. I provide the details to demonstrate the continuous and almost premeditated nature of the violence in youth sports, and girls are no longer immune. This is not just a response in the heat of battle.

My niece plays on a traveling soccer team for high school girls in the San Antonio area. During her game in San Antonio this past weekend, members of the other team became aggressive, and on various occasions, girls from the other team physically assaulted players from my niece’s team. In one situation the player straddled a girl, with her face down, pounded her in the back repeatedly and then pulled her by the pony tail and forcibly and repeatedly slammed her face into the ground. In another situation, another player put one of my niece’s teammates in a headlock and repeatedly punched her in the face. As this continued, other players from my niece’s team came to the aid of their teammate, and a parent from the other team assaulted one of my niece’s teammates. After the Police were called, and the assaulting parent was seen leaving in their car, the referee yelled at the father who called the Police and then told the other team to leave quietly before the Police arrived. After the game was prematurely ended, one of the players from the other team was then heard saying, in a laughing tone, that the referee lost control of the game. During all of these incidents, the coach of the team never did anything to correct the actions of his own players.

The aftermath of this game was that because the game was called before its conclusion, the league awarded the victory and the tournament opportunity to the other team because they were winning at the time that the game was stopped. It is my understanding that only since the parents of my niece’s team contacted the league en masse, the league is now revisiting the situation. While this was caught on video and put on YouTube, thankfully, it was removed. There are so many things that went wrong here. The fact that it happened continues to be a wake up call to all of us. WE ARE OUT OF CONTROL, and our kids are part of the symptom, not the problem!

Where Do I Start?

There are so many issues to address, and I would welcome you to review my previous blog posts that have addressed many pertinent issues http://blogs.parentsociety.com/doctore/category/cultural-issues/ http://blogs.parentsociety.com/doctore/category/cultural-issues/page/2/ http://blogs.parentsociety.com/doctore/category/cultural-issues/page/3/ . Regardless, we have exposed our kids to the media on television, magazines, the internet, and they grow up in a culture that teaches the value of power over others rather than power with others. Many kids believe that it is better to look strong than it is to look good or right. I believe that this is the result of a deterioration in our emotional attachments between parents and children, which has led to the epidemic of arrogance and narcissism.

We have taught that the goal of games and grades is to win at any cost, whether we want to admit it or not. When or if people get caught breaking the rules, they often play the victim role, and there seldom is accountability. Cheating becomes a way of life that can be denied and manipulated to create doubt in the mind of others, and once again, they are off the hook. This has occurred under our watch, but the seeds were sown long before we were kids.

Furthermore, the sensationalistic, media-driven, extreme nature of our culture promotes the idea that we will get more attention if we behave in more extreme ways, and because of this we, and many of our kids, have become desensitized to violence and aggression and other behaviors that lack integrity and self-respect. Just consider how much media attention the New Mexico/BYU college soccer incident received on TV. Does the attention our society gives these acts of aggression make it seem okay to behave this way? Do you still think much of reality TV is a good idea? I also have not even begun to address the issue of bullying here, but covered the general issue and issue of girls and bullying in previous blogs. http://blogs.parentsociety.com/doctore/category/bullying/

Paying the Price

A huge issue to address is that when these aggressive behaviors occur and there is not an immediate and significant consequence, it encourages the same or even more extreme behavior in the future. According to the details presented from my niece, there were no league consequences for the individual or the team. In fact, they were rewarded with advancing to the tournament. Am I saying that there was no provocation by players on my niece’s team? No. It is possible that they may have been better at hiding their behaviors. As an example, if you have seen the videos of the New Mexico/BYU incident, you will notice that the New Mexico player was elbowed in the chest and even grabbed in her shorts before she retaliated on both situations.

It is still not known what all of the behaviors and actions of all the players in the New Mexico/BYU situation were, but we all have to be careful how we determine who the victims, persecutors, and rescuers are. Many times a “good victim” is able to instigate a response out of someone so that they can play the victim and blame the persecutor and either justify retaliation or look to be rescued. This contributes to our environment of mistrust, while it leads others to rush to judgment. Isn’t it often the person who retaliates to what was done to them who gets flagged? But where did it start?

We always have to remember that inside every bully is a wounded victim. Often the acts that “bullies” play out were done to them, and they are just trying to take the power from others that they feel was taken from them. No matter who started the conflict, all involved have responsibility and should be encouraged to take responsibility for what is theirs. Encouraging everyone to see their part empowers the perceived victim.

It’s All in Our Head

What we all need to recognize is that many of these issues that I have discussed are planted in the conscious and subconscious of all of our minds, and they are expressed in all of us, often when we least expect it. To think that our deepest, darkest beliefs and attitudes are not expressed, and/or that they do not exist, is an idea held in ignorance.

My concern is that we watch events on the news and the internet like people stare at car accidents, and so do our kids. We almost feel it is our right to watch these events on the news and the internet, and some feel deprived when they are edited for our own good. I do feel that putting these events on the news is for the ratings and to satisfy our morbid curiosities. Our viral video culture seems to have become a modern day freak show that so many want to become a part of, including our kids. Where has our dignity, self-respect, other-respect and integrity gone, and what have we taught our children? Please realize that I am not blaming any one facet of society or any group, especially parents, but I am holding you responsible for contributing to change. Each factor contributes to this perfect storm of aggression, and we have the power to do something to stop it.

We can say that the nature of sport is aggressive, and there are casualties along the way. There is no excuse for the aggression that is emerging. What I do know is that sport imitates life. What are we then saying about what we are teaching our kids and what they are learning along the way if this is how they are behaving? What tools do we want to give them to then hand down to their children?

Please…Wake up before it is too late.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…