This past week, my wife went to Ireland, and it was just my daughter and I with our two dogs. Now this is not the first time I have had time with my daughter with my wife traveling, but this particular week took the cake. It was a very busy work week for me, and my daughter does get stressed when either of us leave town, so her behavior can be an issue. Well after a nice weekend together with her, while trying to work in yard work, we started the work week without incident. It was time to go to bed on Monday night, and my 15 year-old dog decided to make a mess on the floor of her bedroom, not just any mess, but it came complete with one nasty smell.  This began what felt like the never-ending nightmare. For some reason, her intestines decided to malfunction to a degree never experienced. So after cleaning two messes up that night, and doing the work I needed to do, I was then awakened at 3am to clean up more. So after what amounted to 3.5 hours of sleep, I was up and running again, getting my daughter up and ready for school and getting on with my day.

When I got home that evening, I had a sitter with her, and when she left, I discovered our dog had graced our Asian rugs with her signature. So instead of spending time with my daughter that I had hoped for, I had to clean up the messes. I then put her to bed, and then had to get back to my work, a two hour conference call, then a little work, then sleep. Then I was back to it the next day. I took my sick dog to the vet and my other dog seemed to get a passive aggressive streak on and decided to grace another one of our Asian rugs while we were out.  Well, my sick dog had done the same earlier, but in the process of being in a rush to clean what I could, I stepped in my other dog’s mess and tracked it through the house. At this point, I want to do things to my dog that I don’t want to admit. I had to get to work, clean up what I could and left, letting my daughter’s sitter know not to go into the family room.

Now that night I had a work function. I did not get home until 11:30, and was too exhausted to clean it up, but still had some work to do.

This week I averaged about 5 hours of sleep per night, and I had to keep going. I also did what I could to spend time with my daughter and missed her very much. I had to consider both the long and short-term when setting my priorities, and even when I had my work function, I felt guilty about going, but knew that the potential for my career was great, which may help me to increase my income and offer us a better life. What I did do was talk to my daughter about what I was doing and why, and I let her know how I felt about her. I also apologized for the situation, and she was coloring during one of our talks. She stopped, looked up at me, smiled and said,
“Daddy, I love you.” That made it all worth it.

So this was a snap shot of my week. Now, this week was the perfect storm, but what it gave me the awareness of was that this was just one week. My wife came back from Ireland tonight. My experience got me thinking of what if I was a single parent all of the time, and with Mothers’ Day here, gave me a new appreciation for single moms and what is involved in parenting children, working, and/or going to school, paying the bills, shopping, taking care of sick or special needs kids… and the list goes on.

Moms take some time to recognize what you do and honor yourself, and if you know a single mom, let her know you appreciate her efforts. Know that your kids likely will not understand your efforts for some time. Be careful not to play the martyr. This sends a message of conditional love. Just take the time to love yourself a little more and know that you are doing the best for your kids that you know how. And know that there are others out there who know what you do, and how difficult it is to find the perfect balance.

Happy Mothers’Day.

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com

There were many great discussions on the show, and I felt inspired by a mother, whose son was tragically killed by bullies, who took the energy of her grief and turned it into developing a program aimed at education. Both her courage and her insight are a testament to what we can do when faced with challenges in life. To stay silent, would have missed an opportunity to share her pain and wisdom with others who could be helped.

I have written quite a bit on the subject of bullying, and believe that I see the answers to change this epidemic. Part of that solution is parenting with wisdom and patience, not parenting with control and fear. The most troubling aspect of the bullying epidemic is that those who are in a position to effect changes may be blind to their contribution to the issues. Yes, that means you Mom and Dad.

On this panel was another psychologist, with all due respect to him, who near the end of the discussion stated that he was “old school” and believed in the idea of “spare the rod and spoil the child”. This phrase has been uttered numerous times to me over the years, especially from parents in my work who feel frustrated by their kids’ disrespectful behavior. However, depending on where the emphasis is placed, this can have two totally different meanings – either spare the rod and you will end up with a spoiled child, or don’t spank your child, but love them unconditionally instead, i.e., spoil them with love instead. When there is ambiguity to things that are stated, much can become of interpretation.

Spare Me…

Many people attribute the phrase “spare the rod and spoil the child” to the Bible, but in my research, this is not a quote from the Bible. There are discussions of what was referred to in the Old Testament in Proverbs about child discipline (Prov 13:24: “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes (diligently).”), however, historically, it is believed that Solomon compiled the book of Proverbs from stories and verses of teachers and “wise men” in his day. Furthermore, many of the comments in Proverbs supported his views of punishment. In fact when his son, Rehoboam, whom Solomon punished in a similar manner to what is in Proverbs, grew up and ruled over his kingdom, he had little regard for others welfare and was almost overthrown due to his brutality, as many of today’s dictators are finding.

After the show ended, I did not want to let his comment go and continued the discussion off the air with the panel. I stated that what his comment allowed was for some parents to interpret the comment that it is okay for them to beat their kids. When we furthered this discussion, he stated that it is not what he meant, but I commented that is what he said. I further commented that he knows how this phrase is interpreted by many and without further explanation by him, he could not manage how others interpreted his comment. He then stated that the “rod of discipline” is what he intended. I said again, “That is not what you said.” When asked further about the “rod of discipline”, he could not fully explain what he meant (granted, time was short).

Discipline This…

So let’s discuss the word discipline. Many people equate the word discipline with punishment. The root of the word “discipline” is disciple. The word disciple means to teach. Teaching comes with boundaries, limits and goals, and as a teacher, I know that people do not learn very well in a state of fear. They may learn to avoid, but they do not learn concepts as well as they do when they feel involved and empowered. Here is another point to consider, how many times did it take for you to try to tie your shoes before you could tie them with your eyes closed? – Probably about 100 times and likely more. As humans, we are meant to learn over time and repetition is important. Consider the disciples, they had the benefit of travelling around with Christ from town to town and hearing his message over and over, learning through repetition. Do you think that Jesus grilled the disciples and spanked them if they could not recite what he was teaching? They did not just hear his message once, and still they each had their own interpretation.  Some would comment that Jesus was not a parent, “He didn’t raise my kid.” I would say, he is a parent, and in all that he taught, how did he do it? Didn’t he lead by example?

Allow your children to learn by absorbing knowledge through experience and repetition. It is true that some lessons (not playing near the street, not taking drugs or getting into household chemicals…) are survival-based and need to be learned quickly. For those lessons, prepare them for them and discuss risks in advance, while doing what you can to prevent them from being exposed to these situations too early in life.

Old School vs. the New School

Here is something that I take into consideration. Proverbs is Old Testament. Historically, what did Jesus teach, and why is it said that he came? –  to correct the misunderstandings of those who had mis-taught “God’s word”? “For the Son of Man has come to save that which was lost” Mat 18:11. I think I can sum up how New Testament parenting would look: “Do unto others what you would have them do to you” Mat 7-12. This IS a quote from the Bible, and this message, in various forms, transcends many religions and teachings. As a psychologist, this single phrase sums up healthy human interactions. As Bill and Ted said in their “Excellent Adventure”, “Be excellent to each other.”

It is important to look at our emotions that influence our parenting and often fear and then anger become the most prevalent emotions experienced in times of distress. We often resort back to our own experiences and also believe that quick consequences that evoke pain should result in lasting change. Too many times in life, we want to call on what we learned that seems convenient to us, rather than what is in our and others highest good.

There are plenty of quotes from the Old Testament in the Bible that one can call on to support physically abusive consequences for their children’s behavior and that of a punishing God. I just don’t believe that physical punishment was taught in the New Testament, neither was being a totally permissive parent with no boundaries. Of course physical punishment is a relative term in the mind of many, but in my years as a parent of a very strong-willed child, I can say that I have never used spanking or yelling as a consequence. I have used restraint to manage her outbursts, time-outs, a stern voice to get her attention, counting techniques, removal of privileges, restriction and other techniques, discussion of her behaviors, but the most important tools that my wife and I use are consistency and follow-through.

Don’t you think that parents could be seen by their child as their first bully? Think about it. It will take time to change a generation, but the first step may be to change within your self.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

www.drepresents.com

My wife and daughter and I were doing our Saturday morning thing and taking it easy. She was playing with her dolls and pushing a shopping cart around, and then out of the blue she said, “Hey Daddy, I am going to get on a plane and visit Big Daddy in the hospital in Arizona.”

I said, Grace, he is not there any more. That is where I went to see him before he died.”

Then she said, “No, Daddy, I am going to play like I am going to visit him in the hospital. Come here. Come here, and lay on the couch. You can be him in the hospital.”

I said, “Okay.” My wife and I looked at each other, and I went with it. So I lay on the couch with my eyes closed, and I said, “Grace, this is how Big Daddy looked when I got to the hospital. His eyes were closed, and it looked like he was resting. When I came in, he moved his head, so I knew he knew I was there.”

She came up and gave “Big Daddy” some of her pets and said, “I am sorry that you are going to die Big Daddy. I wish I could help you, but I can’t. I love you Big Daddy. Here are some of my pets to take care of you.”

After she said this, I said “I know you want to help me Grace, and I know that you love me. I will always be around you, no matter where you are, and I will love you even when I am not here. I feel so happy that I got to know you, and I will look forward to seeing who you become, as I watch over you. I will always feel proud to be your Big Daddy.”

So we played these roles for a little bit more. She gave me, in the role of “Big Daddy”, a hug, and I gave her one back, and she wanted Big Daddy to have her pets after he died so he would not be alone. My wife and I said that he will be with his Mommy and Daddy, my brother, and pets that we had that died before him. He would not be alone at all. About five minutes later, she was on to the next thing, and we moved on. I let her decide when we were done. This was not for me or about me, but was an honor to be a part of this healing moment.

Since that exchange and “play” that we did, she has seemed more at peace with the situation. There are still some issues at school, but some of these issues are the virtue of Grace being Grace. I still check in with her, and I know that she is going to be okay. What I feel happened was that she was not ready to talk about it in “adult terms”, and needed time to work it through her way.

It would have been very easy, from our part as parents, to get caught in our discomfort and grief and shut her down, but we didn’t. I saw her incredible wisdom, that she needed a moment to say goodbye in her way. I also saw her desire to wish that she could have helped him in some way, and I was in the position to set her free from this and continue their relationship in an unspoken way. He will always be around her. Not to judge her, but to support her and love her unconditionally. I know that that is how he would have wanted it, and maybe in that time, I channeled my Big Daddy and what he wanted to say to her if he could have.

With respect,

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com

In all seriousness, if you haven’t heard, Sesame Street and the Children’s Television Workshop chose to not air a song that Katy Perry was singing to Elmo because parents who had previewed the video felt the singer was dressed too suggestively. After viewing this video myself, I realized it wasn’t just your preschooler’s Elmo’s Song anymore.

Katy sings to Elmo

I want to be careful as I write this, not to appear desirous of censoring television and play the moralist, but how I hearken for a return to the days of Hester Prynne— well… not really. What I do want to discuss is how our children develop some of the attitudes and behaviors we see at earlier and earlier ages that concern us as parents and professionals. I, personally, felt that everything in the video was appropriate for children, with the exception of Katy Perry’s dress. The problem is that the dress is prominent throughout the video, and whether it is one second of exposure or five minutes of exposure, it is easily construed as an inappropriately sexually suggestive dress, even with the skin colored mesh. Our kids are viewing this, and they are sponges. When kids see adults do things, wear things or say things, they often want to mimic these actions, if not at the time, then at some time in their future. Seeds are planted early and often.

The Language of Life

The main issue is that attitudes and beliefs that we develop in life toward many facets, dress and sexuality included, are learned at very early ages. Children are not just acquiring language in their first five years, but are also acquiring the “language” of the world around them. Everything they are exposed to is information that they process and try to make sense of. Our kids are exposed to styles of dress that can be somewhat provocative all the time in the media in their home and in their community; I would like to have a safe haven for our kids somewhere where they can be kids.

CTW, The Mission

The surprising fact here is that the Children’s Television Workshop is dedicated to making sure our children get a healthy dose of educational and kid-friendly television. The following quote regarding the purpose of the CTW comes from this link  http://www.ftc.gov/privacy/comments/ctw.htm . “Founded in 1968 to experiment with television’s capacity to help children learn, CTW continues today to set global standards for excellence in programming for traditional and new media, publishing, product licensing, and community outreach for children from birth to age 12 and for the adults who care for them.”

I think that we have to be willing to acknowledge that we all make mistakes and we all have errors in judgment. I am not willing to say that the wheels are coming off the bus to Sesame Street, but I hope they take this opportunity to learn from this experience. Many of us have entrusted the CTW with our children’s welfare, and while we may do that, we, as parents, still have to be willing to monitor what they watch and be the champion for their welfare. I applaud the CTW for having people preview the video and being willing to pull it; however, I also feel that a wardrobe change and judgment call should have been made at the taping.

Comfortably Numb

A major issue that we all have to contend with is that we, as a society, are becoming numb to the influences of clothing and dress on the development of sexuality, and apparently the people at Sesame Street are no exception. I would be very interested in seeing a survey from Americans and how they viewed the appropriateness of Katy Perry’s dress for children, but if Matt Lauer of the Today Show and Kelly Ripa of Live are any indication, there are likely many who don’t seem to feel that there was anything wrong with the way Katy was dressed. Please understand, it’s not that I believe there is anything “wrong” with her dress, but the discussion and application of what sculpts and molds our kids should be discussed carefully.

As I was stating above, most children want to be like adults, speak like adults, dress like adults and behave like adults often way before their time. The parallel was made to language. Consider people who swear a lot – they often don’t pay attention to when they are swearing, the words just come out, and they are numb to their influence on others. Is our view of clothing, sexual innuendo, and direct sexual content in various forms of media any different? Have we become blind to our reality and how that reality is affecting our kids?  I will leave you with this, Have there been times when and/or would you have limited your kid’s exposure to an adult because of the language they use? Consider your answer and consider this important issue. While doing this, think about tomorrow when dealing with your kids today.

For a more complete discussion of this topic, I would welcome you to review my blog series, Your Body Is Not A Disneyland for more to consider on the topic of our sexuality.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

And without further ado…

Inquisitively approaching his mother the child asks,

“Mommy, where did I come from?”

Nervously searching for an explanation that would satisfy the child,

She questions herself and her memories of old.

She envisions the gangly bird carrying the child and remembers…

How foolish she felt so few years later

That she had believed her parents,

And questioned why such a story had been manufactured.

What purpose did this tale serve to engender trust and understanding

In the mind of The Child?

For The Child would only discover,

As she and many others had before her,

That it was just a story created to quiet The Inquisitive Child,

Not to answer the question.

A tale that hides the invisible embarrassment and flush of feelings,

Sending the message that the truth is better not discussed,

When it is shrouded in emotion,

But left to discover through other less informed sources,

Often in a hostile environment of Ignorance and Mistrust.

Innocent as the creation of this tale was,

Its intention was to soothe The Unquiet Child.

But The Unquiet Child often lay inside the parent,

While The Inquisitive Child stands before them.

The story of the bird spread through the land,

Bringing a sense of relief to those who searched for easy answers.

But isn’t it The Child,

Who searches for truth and trust?

Who was requesting the easy answer?

Many a child has erected a formidable tower of blocks,

Only to learn the harsh lessons of gravity.

She continued to question her own understanding of her creation.

She recognized the union of the two in creating the one,

But also recognized her deeper sense of unrest inside,

That questioned and searched for more beyond the veil of the body.

As she looked into The Child’s eyes,

She saw the glimmer of wonder in his eyes

That had been extinguished in hers long ago

By many easy answers

That doused the flame of wonder and fascination.

She then recognized the awesome power she held before her.

For she could continue to fan the flame glimmering in his eye,

Or extinguish it with careless breaths.

But to continue to let the inner flame burn

May make him an outcast in a world without fire.

If we were all brought to this world carrying the flame,

It may not have been meant to be extinguished.

She recognizes it is not her decision to make for this child,

For he is his alive and has his own voice.

As her thoughts settled down in the blink of an eye,

The answer seemed to come from a sparking ember within.

With her rekindled sense of awareness she replied,

“You came to us from a bond of love.

Beyond that I do not know,

But I will look forward to the day when you can tell me the answer,

Because I know it lies within.”

September, 1995