So how can you, as a parent who loves your child, spend less on Santa, one of the most altruistic and generous icons of our culture? What will your child feel when they wake up on Christmas morning and look under the tree only to find that Santa “cheaped out” on them? What’s up with that? Santa has unlimited income – doesn’t he? Isn’t he part of the G-8? Well, because current financial circumstances, I can only imagine that there are going to be a number of parents feeling guilt, failure, sadness, and worth-less, because of their inability to come through for the big man.

The Culture of Christmas

Here is the problem, our culture has spent a lot of time, money and public relations building up the image of the almighty elf in the red suit. As a result, many parents feel obligated to give until hurts in the name of the overgrown elf and his somewhat diminutive north-bound brethren. Many of you may, at this point, be cursing this tradition, as you may be wondering whether to pay the light bill or purchase the latest game system to put under the tree.

So, why do our kids need so much at Christmas? Since this holiday is dedicated to the birth of the “son of God”, is this really what was really intended. I think not, but once we back ourselves in a corner and start a tradition, we often feel that we have to keep up with it, even if it doesn’t make sense. Norman Rockwell painted a great picture, but there are times in life when art can’t imitate life.  Teaching your kids responsible spending, even if it’s from Santa Claus is probably the better angle to take. Is it really a good idea to go into more debt to buy more happiness? I didn’t think you could buy that.

The Santa Talk

So how do you talk to your child about this very delicate situation and explain that Santa Claus will not be spending as much this year? What I would suggest is that you start by adding a significant prefix to Santa. This prefix is “The Spirit of”. The reason is that this starts to explain the true idea behind Santa, who was born out of the intention to teach the gift of giving, not the gift of getting. Personally, I teach my daughter that the Spirit of Santa lives in everyone.

As you talk to your child, you can explain that in the recent years, you realized that we were all losing the meaning behind Christmas and discussed this with Santa (sometimes in life we all learn lessons, even Santa). You can support that your kids may have noticed that your family has not been spending as much, and there won’t be as much spent on Christmas this year. They might notice that other kids may get more from Santa when they are getting less, but that doesn’t mean that they haven’t made good choices. The decision to spend less was made between you and Santa, and each parent makes their own agreement with Santa. If they feel upset that others get more from Santa, you understand that, but it is not a reflection on them.

The next issue is to help your kids to understand their expectations of what they will get by looking through a list of wants. If they are going to visit Santa, have them limit their lists to a few “realistic” items. I believe that having an endless list of wants that they can dream about only to find that they get nothing on that list leads to disappointment, sadness and bad memories.

Talk to your kids about what you want them to learn from the holiday, and let them know that you want to focus on what you all have rather then what they will get. You also want to talk about how you have learned that happiness doesn’t lie in how much you get or what you have, it lies inside of us. You may want to then encourage your kids to develop a season of giving and see how you can help others in inexpensive ways. Here are a few ideas:

1. Each day leading up to Christmas go around the dinner table and have everyone say something they feel gratitude for.
2. Each person in the family makes a present for someone else in the family with a dollar limit.
3. Perhaps even consider contacting DFCS to help provide Xmas for a child in foster care.
4. As a family, make cookies, a meal or something nice for someone or a family who is having challenges.
5. Try to get a group together to sing at a retirement home.

The goal is to change the focus to what they can give and have them find happiness in sharing with others. Start a new tradition this year that may carry on for generations, and let the “Spirit of Santa” fill your heart instead of your stocking. I would ask you to have yourself and children consider this: Ask not what Christmas can do for you, but what can you do for Christmas.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

We teach our kids to give gifts to other family members, and they often learn that you do that because that is what you are supposed to do, but these gifts are often given in exchange of gifts given to them. What I would like to talk about is giving selflessly to people in need and teaching your child the same.

Every year for the past seven or eight years, my wife and I have picked up a Christmas wish list for children who are in foster care from the local Department of Children and Family Services. Through my career, I have worked with many children who have been in foster care, and see how much love these kids need. Since my daughter was born, we have continued that, and as she has gotten older, we have talked with her about helping a little girl or boy have a merrier Christmas that does not live with their family. We talk about our good fortune and that we feel blessed for what we have and we want to spread that around. We also talk about some of the challenges that people have, and it is important to help others.

This year, when we talked with my daughter about helping a little girl out with Christmas who did not live with her own family, she asked if the girl we were providing Christmas gifts for could live with us. My wife and I both looked at each other with that “Wow” look, and while we knew she did not fully understand what that would mean, we felt proud of her willingness to open her heart to someone in need. I talked to her about what it means to live with a foster family and that she was safe and taken care of with the foster family. We wanted to help her to have a happier Christmas and get her some things that she needed.

We take my daughter out to shop for the foster children and also have her help wrap the presents. We want her to feel included in this process and want her truly feel the Spirit of Santa in her heart. As she grows older, we will have her continue to become more involved. I will never demand that my daughter gives to others at Christmas or on any occasion. I do hope that she sees the example that we have set and will follow that example and take it even further in her own life.

If you don’t do this already, I would encourage you to start a new holiday tradition this year or next. I would also encourage you to see that many kids in foster care need love every day. There are plenty of ways that you can help. I encourage you to contact your local foster care organizations to see how you can make a difference not only your child’s life, but in the lives of others.

Happy Holidays…

Dr. E…