There were many great discussions on the show, and I felt inspired by a mother, whose son was tragically killed by bullies, who took the energy of her grief and turned it into developing a program aimed at education. Both her courage and her insight are a testament to what we can do when faced with challenges in life. To stay silent, would have missed an opportunity to share her pain and wisdom with others who could be helped.

I have written quite a bit on the subject of bullying, and believe that I see the answers to change this epidemic. Part of that solution is parenting with wisdom and patience, not parenting with control and fear. The most troubling aspect of the bullying epidemic is that those who are in a position to effect changes may be blind to their contribution to the issues. Yes, that means you Mom and Dad.

On this panel was another psychologist, with all due respect to him, who near the end of the discussion stated that he was “old school” and believed in the idea of “spare the rod and spoil the child”. This phrase has been uttered numerous times to me over the years, especially from parents in my work who feel frustrated by their kids’ disrespectful behavior. However, depending on where the emphasis is placed, this can have two totally different meanings – either spare the rod and you will end up with a spoiled child, or don’t spank your child, but love them unconditionally instead, i.e., spoil them with love instead. When there is ambiguity to things that are stated, much can become of interpretation.

Spare Me…

Many people attribute the phrase “spare the rod and spoil the child” to the Bible, but in my research, this is not a quote from the Bible. There are discussions of what was referred to in the Old Testament in Proverbs about child discipline (Prov 13:24: “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes (diligently).”), however, historically, it is believed that Solomon compiled the book of Proverbs from stories and verses of teachers and “wise men” in his day. Furthermore, many of the comments in Proverbs supported his views of punishment. In fact when his son, Rehoboam, whom Solomon punished in a similar manner to what is in Proverbs, grew up and ruled over his kingdom, he had little regard for others welfare and was almost overthrown due to his brutality, as many of today’s dictators are finding.

After the show ended, I did not want to let his comment go and continued the discussion off the air with the panel. I stated that what his comment allowed was for some parents to interpret the comment that it is okay for them to beat their kids. When we furthered this discussion, he stated that it is not what he meant, but I commented that is what he said. I further commented that he knows how this phrase is interpreted by many and without further explanation by him, he could not manage how others interpreted his comment. He then stated that the “rod of discipline” is what he intended. I said again, “That is not what you said.” When asked further about the “rod of discipline”, he could not fully explain what he meant (granted, time was short).

Discipline This…

So let’s discuss the word discipline. Many people equate the word discipline with punishment. The root of the word “discipline” is disciple. The word disciple means to teach. Teaching comes with boundaries, limits and goals, and as a teacher, I know that people do not learn very well in a state of fear. They may learn to avoid, but they do not learn concepts as well as they do when they feel involved and empowered. Here is another point to consider, how many times did it take for you to try to tie your shoes before you could tie them with your eyes closed? – Probably about 100 times and likely more. As humans, we are meant to learn over time and repetition is important. Consider the disciples, they had the benefit of travelling around with Christ from town to town and hearing his message over and over, learning through repetition. Do you think that Jesus grilled the disciples and spanked them if they could not recite what he was teaching? They did not just hear his message once, and still they each had their own interpretation.  Some would comment that Jesus was not a parent, “He didn’t raise my kid.” I would say, he is a parent, and in all that he taught, how did he do it? Didn’t he lead by example?

Allow your children to learn by absorbing knowledge through experience and repetition. It is true that some lessons (not playing near the street, not taking drugs or getting into household chemicals…) are survival-based and need to be learned quickly. For those lessons, prepare them for them and discuss risks in advance, while doing what you can to prevent them from being exposed to these situations too early in life.

Old School vs. the New School

Here is something that I take into consideration. Proverbs is Old Testament. Historically, what did Jesus teach, and why is it said that he came? –  to correct the misunderstandings of those who had mis-taught “God’s word”? “For the Son of Man has come to save that which was lost” Mat 18:11. I think I can sum up how New Testament parenting would look: “Do unto others what you would have them do to you” Mat 7-12. This IS a quote from the Bible, and this message, in various forms, transcends many religions and teachings. As a psychologist, this single phrase sums up healthy human interactions. As Bill and Ted said in their “Excellent Adventure”, “Be excellent to each other.”

It is important to look at our emotions that influence our parenting and often fear and then anger become the most prevalent emotions experienced in times of distress. We often resort back to our own experiences and also believe that quick consequences that evoke pain should result in lasting change. Too many times in life, we want to call on what we learned that seems convenient to us, rather than what is in our and others highest good.

There are plenty of quotes from the Old Testament in the Bible that one can call on to support physically abusive consequences for their children’s behavior and that of a punishing God. I just don’t believe that physical punishment was taught in the New Testament, neither was being a totally permissive parent with no boundaries. Of course physical punishment is a relative term in the mind of many, but in my years as a parent of a very strong-willed child, I can say that I have never used spanking or yelling as a consequence. I have used restraint to manage her outbursts, time-outs, a stern voice to get her attention, counting techniques, removal of privileges, restriction and other techniques, discussion of her behaviors, but the most important tools that my wife and I use are consistency and follow-through.

Don’t you think that parents could be seen by their child as their first bully? Think about it. It will take time to change a generation, but the first step may be to change within your self.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…

www.drepresents.com

My wife and daughter and I were doing our Saturday morning thing and taking it easy. She was playing with her dolls and pushing a shopping cart around, and then out of the blue she said, “Hey Daddy, I am going to get on a plane and visit Big Daddy in the hospital in Arizona.”

I said, Grace, he is not there any more. That is where I went to see him before he died.”

Then she said, “No, Daddy, I am going to play like I am going to visit him in the hospital. Come here. Come here, and lay on the couch. You can be him in the hospital.”

I said, “Okay.” My wife and I looked at each other, and I went with it. So I lay on the couch with my eyes closed, and I said, “Grace, this is how Big Daddy looked when I got to the hospital. His eyes were closed, and it looked like he was resting. When I came in, he moved his head, so I knew he knew I was there.”

She came up and gave “Big Daddy” some of her pets and said, “I am sorry that you are going to die Big Daddy. I wish I could help you, but I can’t. I love you Big Daddy. Here are some of my pets to take care of you.”

After she said this, I said “I know you want to help me Grace, and I know that you love me. I will always be around you, no matter where you are, and I will love you even when I am not here. I feel so happy that I got to know you, and I will look forward to seeing who you become, as I watch over you. I will always feel proud to be your Big Daddy.”

So we played these roles for a little bit more. She gave me, in the role of “Big Daddy”, a hug, and I gave her one back, and she wanted Big Daddy to have her pets after he died so he would not be alone. My wife and I said that he will be with his Mommy and Daddy, my brother, and pets that we had that died before him. He would not be alone at all. About five minutes later, she was on to the next thing, and we moved on. I let her decide when we were done. This was not for me or about me, but was an honor to be a part of this healing moment.

Since that exchange and “play” that we did, she has seemed more at peace with the situation. There are still some issues at school, but some of these issues are the virtue of Grace being Grace. I still check in with her, and I know that she is going to be okay. What I feel happened was that she was not ready to talk about it in “adult terms”, and needed time to work it through her way.

It would have been very easy, from our part as parents, to get caught in our discomfort and grief and shut her down, but we didn’t. I saw her incredible wisdom, that she needed a moment to say goodbye in her way. I also saw her desire to wish that she could have helped him in some way, and I was in the position to set her free from this and continue their relationship in an unspoken way. He will always be around her. Not to judge her, but to support her and love her unconditionally. I know that that is how he would have wanted it, and maybe in that time, I channeled my Big Daddy and what he wanted to say to her if he could have.

With respect,

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com

Well, here’s the set up. There were two 12 year-old girls playing on a piece of playground equipment that spins around and the kids hold on. The four year-old daughter was asking her mother if she could play on this equipment with the older girls. The mother then said, “They are much bigger than you, and if you get on that with them you are going to fall off. If you fall off and get hurt and start crying, I’m not going to come over their to help you. And if you get hurt, I’m going to say, I told you so.”

So, what did the little girl do? She slumped down next to her mom, and gave up. I wanted to open my mouth and ask this mother, “Did you hear what you just told your child? Do you know how that will influence her desire to try new things? Did you see her sink down and give up? What were you thinking?” I didn’t say anything, because my other thought was that if I say something to the mother, given what I saw, she will probably leave in a huff and then her daughter will probably hear about how much she humiliated her when that strange man commented about her daughter’s behavior.

I realize that I do not have all the information to make a sound judgment on this situation, but what I do know is that what parents say to their children goes straight to their self-image, especially at that age. I view my daughter as a priceless diamond, and everything I say and do with her is like another facet cut into that diamond. I understand that this mother may have been told the same thing when she was growing up, because I know she wasn’t the first parent to say this to their child, and we often treat our kids the same way we were treated.

I think that I feel like I have just had enough. I can’t keep quiet any longer. We, as parents, have to realize our power that we have in the eyes of our children. We have to realize that our kids don’t know our history or pain, hurt or betrayal. They love us in all of our humanness, and it is up to us to help them feel empowered, to help them realize risks and pursue the ones that they feel worth taking when looking at the options and safety considerations, while being willing to pick up the pieces when they fall.

So you may be thinking, “This little girl could get really hurt with those bigger girls. What are you thinking Dr. E…?” Well, let’s look at an option that the mother could have suggested. She could have said, “I feel concerned that if you go over and jump on that spinning wheel you could get hurt with the bigger girls on it. How about if you asked the girls if you could play on that with them, and would they go slow enough so that you wouldn’t fall off. If you would like me to go over there with you to help you, I will.” The suggestion? Be willing to work with your kids to find workable solutions. The girls may have said, “No.” Or they may have said, “Sure, we would love for you to play with us. Thanks for asking.” You won’t know unless you try.

The lesson? Encourage your child to engage in the world with wisdom. Let them know that you love them and support them in their endeavors, successes or perceived failures. They don’t deserve to hear “I told you so!” Remember, failure let’s you know when it is time to learn.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…