Some people may see this situation as innocent enough and may not have a problem with it, other than thinking that this kid needs to toughen up a bit. I will give you another true story. A teacher comes into a classroom and asks for one of the students to come with them to their classroom. The teacher takes the student to the classroom and pulls the kid’s arm behind their back and threatens to break the kid’s arm if the kid touches another one of her students again. The problem was that this kid never did anything to anyone. A child in her class made the story up to spite “the kid”, and the teacher did not do her “homework” to check facts.

Is one of these events worse than the others? It is a relative question, but I would say the definition of worse, in some ways, depends on the ultimate outcome. Worse is not the issue IMHO, however. The issue is about the ability for students to feel safe in a learning environment. Both kids had a history of being teased, bullied and humiliated. In both situations, their parents weren’t really sure how to handle the situation. In both situations the child felt helpless to do or say anything for fear of reprisal by peers and the teacher. Both situations have the ability to permanently affect the lives of others, not just these two children, but also the students who observed these events.

Lesons Learned

It has been shown that humans and animals not only learn by doing, they learn through observation. Many of us only need to see someone touch a hot stove to know that we don’t want to do that ourselves. Taken further, many students observe the behaviors of teachers in the classroom toward other students and learn that they don’t want to experience the humiliating consequences of their teachers’ actions. It shuts them down, decreases the chance of them taking risks, and they don’t learn, because they are too focused on fear.

We often wonder why our education system is failing our children. We wonder why kids drop out of school. We wonder why bullying seemingly continues unchecked and drug and alcohol issues occur in the schoolyard – why there is school violence. Events like these are part of the problem. Teachers are human beings and are prone to the lacks and failings of the human condition; however, they chose to be teachers. I hold parents to the same standards. Teachers have to hold themselves accountable for everything they teach their students, not just what is in the books.

It behooves us, as teachers to our children and to the children of evolving generations, to realize what we are teaching them. Both of these teachers behaved like bullies. In both situations, neither may see it. For the first teacher, she was just teaching her class and had an appropriate example to use as an illustration. For the second situation, she was only trying to protect her students and at first was the rescuer, then became the victim as the truth was revealed. Between the rescuer and the victim is the persecutor, aka, the bully, and when we are supposed to be in positions to help or rescue others, we often don’t see how we may be seen as a bully.

They Had It Comin’

Some may ask, what did these two kids in my examples do beforehand? There has to be something they did to bring this on… I say that it doesn’t matter what they did. As a teacher, it is up to us to take responsibility to understand why people behave as they do and to keep our issues in check as much as we can.  Stop using the excuses, “It was good enough for me.”, or “They had it comin’.”, and know that there is a further potential. Know that our kids deserve better, and we do too. It takes courage to change and to admit responsibility. Maybe some teachers, including ourselves, need to go back to school to become students of the human soul.

I remember when “they” was a wide-eyed young child who enjoyed life, loved to learn and laugh, and now “they” is evolving into someone who feels afraid to smile and quits before they can fail. I sent a letter to the teacher and her supervisors, and I asked her to say the following to the entire class. “Yesterday I made a mistake. In my attempts to use humor to teach you all, I used a student’s behavior to exemplify a vocabulary word that could have felt demeaning to that student. That was not fair to that student or to you. In an environment that should create a sense of empowerment and learning, I recognize that this did not, and I apologize to you all for that.” Did she follow through with the suggestion? Not yet, but at least one student felt wounded. And while there are many wonderful teachers out there, countless students continue to be harmed everyday by those we entrust with their education. What did the school do in both situations? Nothing to take responsibility for either situation. What are we teaching our kids about trust, truth, safety and life?

Resepectfully,

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com

Well, here’s the set up. There were two 12 year-old girls playing on a piece of playground equipment that spins around and the kids hold on. The four year-old daughter was asking her mother if she could play on this equipment with the older girls. The mother then said, “They are much bigger than you, and if you get on that with them you are going to fall off. If you fall off and get hurt and start crying, I’m not going to come over their to help you. And if you get hurt, I’m going to say, I told you so.”

So, what did the little girl do? She slumped down next to her mom, and gave up. I wanted to open my mouth and ask this mother, “Did you hear what you just told your child? Do you know how that will influence her desire to try new things? Did you see her sink down and give up? What were you thinking?” I didn’t say anything, because my other thought was that if I say something to the mother, given what I saw, she will probably leave in a huff and then her daughter will probably hear about how much she humiliated her when that strange man commented about her daughter’s behavior.

I realize that I do not have all the information to make a sound judgment on this situation, but what I do know is that what parents say to their children goes straight to their self-image, especially at that age. I view my daughter as a priceless diamond, and everything I say and do with her is like another facet cut into that diamond. I understand that this mother may have been told the same thing when she was growing up, because I know she wasn’t the first parent to say this to their child, and we often treat our kids the same way we were treated.

I think that I feel like I have just had enough. I can’t keep quiet any longer. We, as parents, have to realize our power that we have in the eyes of our children. We have to realize that our kids don’t know our history or pain, hurt or betrayal. They love us in all of our humanness, and it is up to us to help them feel empowered, to help them realize risks and pursue the ones that they feel worth taking when looking at the options and safety considerations, while being willing to pick up the pieces when they fall.

So you may be thinking, “This little girl could get really hurt with those bigger girls. What are you thinking Dr. E…?” Well, let’s look at an option that the mother could have suggested. She could have said, “I feel concerned that if you go over and jump on that spinning wheel you could get hurt with the bigger girls on it. How about if you asked the girls if you could play on that with them, and would they go slow enough so that you wouldn’t fall off. If you would like me to go over there with you to help you, I will.” The suggestion? Be willing to work with your kids to find workable solutions. The girls may have said, “No.” Or they may have said, “Sure, we would love for you to play with us. Thanks for asking.” You won’t know unless you try.

The lesson? Encourage your child to engage in the world with wisdom. Let them know that you love them and support them in their endeavors, successes or perceived failures. They don’t deserve to hear “I told you so!” Remember, failure let’s you know when it is time to learn.

Respectfully,

Dr. E…