Some people may see this situation as innocent enough and may not have a problem with it, other than thinking that this kid needs to toughen up a bit. I will give you another true story. A teacher comes into a classroom and asks for one of the students to come with them to their classroom. The teacher takes the student to the classroom and pulls the kid’s arm behind their back and threatens to break the kid’s arm if the kid touches another one of her students again. The problem was that this kid never did anything to anyone. A child in her class made the story up to spite “the kid”, and the teacher did not do her “homework” to check facts.

Is one of these events worse than the others? It is a relative question, but I would say the definition of worse, in some ways, depends on the ultimate outcome. Worse is not the issue IMHO, however. The issue is about the ability for students to feel safe in a learning environment. Both kids had a history of being teased, bullied and humiliated. In both situations, their parents weren’t really sure how to handle the situation. In both situations the child felt helpless to do or say anything for fear of reprisal by peers and the teacher. Both situations have the ability to permanently affect the lives of others, not just these two children, but also the students who observed these events.

Lesons Learned

It has been shown that humans and animals not only learn by doing, they learn through observation. Many of us only need to see someone touch a hot stove to know that we don’t want to do that ourselves. Taken further, many students observe the behaviors of teachers in the classroom toward other students and learn that they don’t want to experience the humiliating consequences of their teachers’ actions. It shuts them down, decreases the chance of them taking risks, and they don’t learn, because they are too focused on fear.

We often wonder why our education system is failing our children. We wonder why kids drop out of school. We wonder why bullying seemingly continues unchecked and drug and alcohol issues occur in the schoolyard – why there is school violence. Events like these are part of the problem. Teachers are human beings and are prone to the lacks and failings of the human condition; however, they chose to be teachers. I hold parents to the same standards. Teachers have to hold themselves accountable for everything they teach their students, not just what is in the books.

It behooves us, as teachers to our children and to the children of evolving generations, to realize what we are teaching them. Both of these teachers behaved like bullies. In both situations, neither may see it. For the first teacher, she was just teaching her class and had an appropriate example to use as an illustration. For the second situation, she was only trying to protect her students and at first was the rescuer, then became the victim as the truth was revealed. Between the rescuer and the victim is the persecutor, aka, the bully, and when we are supposed to be in positions to help or rescue others, we often don’t see how we may be seen as a bully.

They Had It Comin’

Some may ask, what did these two kids in my examples do beforehand? There has to be something they did to bring this on… I say that it doesn’t matter what they did. As a teacher, it is up to us to take responsibility to understand why people behave as they do and to keep our issues in check as much as we can.  Stop using the excuses, “It was good enough for me.”, or “They had it comin’.”, and know that there is a further potential. Know that our kids deserve better, and we do too. It takes courage to change and to admit responsibility. Maybe some teachers, including ourselves, need to go back to school to become students of the human soul.

I remember when “they” was a wide-eyed young child who enjoyed life, loved to learn and laugh, and now “they” is evolving into someone who feels afraid to smile and quits before they can fail. I sent a letter to the teacher and her supervisors, and I asked her to say the following to the entire class. “Yesterday I made a mistake. In my attempts to use humor to teach you all, I used a student’s behavior to exemplify a vocabulary word that could have felt demeaning to that student. That was not fair to that student or to you. In an environment that should create a sense of empowerment and learning, I recognize that this did not, and I apologize to you all for that.” Did she follow through with the suggestion? Not yet, but at least one student felt wounded. And while there are many wonderful teachers out there, countless students continue to be harmed everyday by those we entrust with their education. What did the school do in both situations? Nothing to take responsibility for either situation. What are we teaching our kids about trust, truth, safety and life?

Resepectfully,

Dr. E…

www.DrEPresents.com

The Gospel Truth?

What I want to talk about is the fact that we continue to urge, prompt, and sometimes demand that our children believe in a story that is not based in truth. We teach our children to believe in what we say and to trust us. When they tell us stories and fibs, we often challenge them when their stories don’t add up, and they may even have consequences for those stories. On the other hand, we want them to have fun being children and experience the joys of childhood, so we believe that we are entitled in the name of “tradition” to make stories like Santa and the Easter Bunny the Gospel Truth that we hold secret like fraternity and sorority ritual until the mystical “right of passage” occurs and/or until the gifts get too expensive. Then, after we let them know, we make it their job to keep the secret from other siblings or younger kids.

But why do the joys of a child’s Christmas have to be based in a fabrication? The risk is, what happens when our children find out that what we told them was a lie? Yes, I said it – a lie!  We often excuse ourselves, and tell them that it was to make Christmas more enjoyable for them.

If you can’t tell, I was one of those kids who felt totally betrayed when I found out about Santa, and I felt foolish for believing in something that I knew better than to believe, deep down inside. The result for so many kids, as they grow up, is that they question almost everything, and sometimes don’t know what and who to trust. I call this the “Santa Claus Syndrome”, and I believe that this is part of our epidemic of mistrust.

…Is Paved with Good Intentions…

Here is the way I see it. On one hand, Santa Claus, as he is presented, teaches children to expect to be given material things with no limit. Our kids make their lists and go tell this guy in a red suit, in the very places that we buy these items, what they want for Christmas, and they expect to get it. On the other hand, if they don’t get what they requested, then they sometimes believe that there must be something wrong with them and/or they are bad kids. Just ask a foster child or disadvantaged child how they felt when they may not have received anything from Santa. Even some songs about Santa tell kids that if they don’t behave, they may not get anything. And just what is up with the Elf on the Shelf who watches over your kids to make sure they are behaving? Do they then learn to behave only as long as they feel afraid to lose something that they want?

Santa has become the poster child of Christmas’ commercialism, and he encourages us to spend more than we sometimes should to make our children happy, and then we wonder why they want more. You can’t buy happiness. I believe that the idea of Santa and the various stories around the world of similar characters were created to teach unconditional love and to give a gift freely without the expectation of return. That is a wonderful message, and I teach my daughter those ideals values.

Dr. Scrooge???

So now you may be thinking, “Wow, Dr. E… has some issues. Perhaps he should be called Dr. Scrooge!” Let me help clarify this issue. I teach my 4 year-old daughter about the Spirit of Santa Claus. This spirit lives in all of us. It comes from our heart and is a gift from our creator. When we see Santa Clauses in various settings I tell her that is a guy dressed up like Santa, and she understands. When we watch Television specials about Santa, I tell her that these are stories to teach people about giving, sharing and loving unconditionally, and that is what Christmas is intended to be, IMHO.

I say that there are many stories in life that are written to teach us all how to live better lives and make better choices. I also have let her know that I will always tell her the truth about things. I never want her to question her trust in me, and I want her to believe in an unconditionally loving Creator who brought us all into being, and I want her to know that this world is a gift to us all. I also look forward to her continued spiritual exploration.

Here is my double bind. I don’t want my family to be seen as social pariahs for explaining Santa as we do, and it is priceless that my daughter has my trust. I personally don’t feel that the ends of how we do Santa justify the means. Do I see my daughter enjoying this season of Christmas? Yes I do. Will she get her gift from the Spirit of Santa? Yes, every year, because one never grows out of the Spirit of Santa. It is always within us.

Am I asking you to tell your kids what I tell my daughter? No. Would I like you to consider what you do tell them and why? Absolutely. My greatest Christmas wish is that we all remember what Christmas is about.

Happy Holidays,

Dr. E…

For another view of Christmas and finance stress, I would encourage you to check out ‘Twas the Sale Before Christmas.